Death Bologna
by Kinetikai
Summary: Sonic the Hedgehog... An evil genius... A hunk of meat... No good could come out of this. Rated T for comical violence and mild crude humor.
1. A Meaty Vision

Death Bologna

And now, for the tale of a few familiar faces and the meat that almost killed them! (Heartwarming stuff, eh?) But hey! Don't want to spoil it for you. You have to read it yourself. (That's right, you actually have to read.) So, without further… stuff… minus this disclaimer… stuff… here is Death Bologna!

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Disclaimer-

I do not own Sega, Sonic the Hedgehog, Cocoa Puffs, or anything related to them. Because I'm poor. Life sucks. I have to live with that. Now I'm depressed. Thanks a lot.

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Episode I-A Meaty Vision

-In the house of Sonic, 3:00 A.M.-

"Ugh… ah…no… don't… Eggman…evil… meat… AHHHHH!" Sonic awoke in a sweat, breathing heavily. "What the…" he muttered to himself, as he clutched his forehead in a state of delirium. "That dream…evil meat… I must be going insane." He walked down to the kitchen. "Well, I'm awake now. I might as well polish off that pepperoni pizza." He gulped down 6 slices of pizza, barely chewing them. "And what's pizza without grapefruit juice?" He pulled a bottle out of the fridge and guzzled it down.

-5 hours and one tub of haggis later-

"Sonic! Wake up!"

"Ugh… Tails?"

"Sonic! GET UP!" Tails stuck his tails in Sonic's face and spun them rapidly.

"Ahh! I'm awake! I'm awake! No need to floor-buff me…" Sonic got up off the kitchen floor, a can of whipped cream still in his hand. "Ahh, there it is!" he said, spraying it directly into his mouth.

"Are you okay? You look a bit… tweaked."

"I couldn't sleep. I had this freaky dream…"

"Oh, you mean that one where you were transformed into a giant lump of cheese?"

"Hey, I had some bad fish! It was a one time thing! Anyway, this was different. It was about… evil… meat. But, the dream was so real, it was like I was watching a vision about something about to happen. Something… something bad is about to happen… involving meat…"

"Riiiiiiiiight. -coughCRAZYcough-"

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

"Nothing. Now, come on, it's time to take your happy pills."

"You think I'm a nutcase, don't you."

"No, of course not! he's a few chili dogs short of Coney Island…"

"WHAT!"

"Nothing! Nothing! Take your pills! Don't hurt me!"

"grumble grumble grumble…" Sonic threw the pills on the ground and 'accidentally' tripped Tails down the stairs as the doorbell rang.

"Hello-oh!" Amy said as she walked through the door, her hammer poised above her head, ready for any necessary bashings. "How are you all… AHHH! Tails, what happened?" She stared at Tails' bruised body lying face-down at the foot of the stairs.

"Yes, Tails. What happened?" Sonic said smiling, looking down at Tails from the top of the stairs.

"I... uh… fell. Down the stairs." Tails said, forcing a tiny smile.

"SONIC!" Amy screamed, as she ran up the stairs, hammer in hand.

"Oh cuh-rap!" Sonic yelled, running away. He obviously realized that he was about to incur the wrath of a person who could have the Angel of Death screaming 'uncle' in 12 seconds flat with one skilled nipple tweak. Add a hammer and you have a force to be reckoned with. Sonic knew this little 'episode' would end up with a 'SQUISH', 'CRACK', 'WHACK', or 'CRUNCH'. Or, more likely, a combination of all four.

-One 'SQUACKRUNCH' later-

"Well, I'm glad I got that out of my system before I hurt anyone." Amy walked into the kitchen, dragging a blue ball of badly-beaten fuzz behind her.

"I think I need some bactine... ugh… MEAT!" Sonic yelled in a state of hammer-induced delirium.

"What's with him?" Amy said, picking up a glass of orange juice and drinking it in one gulp. "He been acting all wiggy-wiggy recently, talking about meat, even before I hit him in the head 17 times."

"MEEEEEEAAAAT!"

"Oh, he just hasn't taken his happy pills yet. More juice?" Tails passed the pitcher of orange juice to Amy.

"Oh… well, it's just that I haven't known Sonic to be crazy. Usually Shadow's the nuts one." Amy recalled a particularly 'interesting' incident at the last Christmas party where Shadow claimed he was the Easter Bunny. "I mean, when was the last time Sonic was wrong?"

"I dunno. I still think he's off the deep end, though."

"MEEEEEEAAAAT!"

"Yeah, I guess your right. He's coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."

"COCOA PUFFS CRISPY SWEET CHOCOLATEY MORSELS OF YUMMINESS! MEEEEEEAAAAT!" Tails got up.

"Come on. We're having pizza at McGristles. Put Sonic in your backpack." Sonic struggled, and was further bonked by Amy.

"WOULD YOU STOP THAT! I'M NOT CRAZY! EVIL MEAT IS GOING TO DESTROY THE EARTH! OOF!"

"You know," Amy struggled to carry the backpack out the door. "He should really cut down on the deep-fried double-cheese chili dogs on a stick."

"LET ME OUT OF HERE OR I'LL SHAVE YOUR CAT!"

"Come on, let's hit the road!" They packed the bag-o-Sonic into the trunk and headed for McGristles.

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Great stuff, eh? Coming soon in episode II-A lunch engagement at McGristles turns nasty, and something evil happens involving a certain egg-shaped villain. Episode II-Pizza And A Madman 


	2. Pizza And A Madman

Death Bologna

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Disclaimer-

I still don't own Sega, I still don't own Nintendo, I still don't own Sonic, or anything related to them. I'm on antidepressants and I DON'T NEED TO BE REMINDED OF MY FAILURES IN LIFE! -ugh- (Today's episode will continue as soon as the tranquilizers wear off.)

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Episode II-Pizza And A Madman

"I'LL PAINT YOUR FERRETS BLUE! I'LL GIVE YOU A NASTY SERIES OF PAPER CUTS! I SWEAR, IF YOU DON'T LET ME OUT OF THIS THING I'LL PERSONALLY MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING H-Aaaah!" Amy dumped Sonic out or her backpack and onto the table where she, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, Cream, Rouge, and Sonic's lesser known third cousin with the speech impediment, the brownish hedgehog, Twiggy, sat. They were in McGristles, the best pizza restaurant this side of the pizza restaurant across the street.

"Come on, sit down. We're here." Amy gave Sonic another bonk on the head. Sonic looked around at the people staring at him and calmly yet bashfully sat into a chair next to Tails and Amy. "So, what were we talking about?"

"I was telling everyone how I was abducted by aliens again." Shadow said, as the table went quiet. "Really! I entered their ship, and there was this great light! And all I can remember was being very cold…"

"I found him in the fridge again this morning." Amy said, flicking Shadow on the head.

"Hehe… oops." Shadow sunk into his chair.

"You know… hang on a minute. HEY 6-BIT! PIZZA! HERE!" Amy shouted towards the kitchen. Just then a short, pixilated, mustachioed man wearing a red hat and overalls came by the table and dropped a pepperoni and pineapple chili cheese pizza on the table. Amy noticed him flipping one pixel in the middle of his hand up towards the table as he walked out and grumbling "ungrateful little hairy rats…"

"Excuse me."

Amy walked towards the kitchen, entering it with hammer poised and ready to bash. The party at the table couldn't help but hear the conversation being shouted from behind the swinging door.

"Ex-CUSE me?"

"What?"

"LITTLE HAIRY RATS? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!"

"Its-a me! Mari-OW!"

"Now DON'T make me have to do this again!"

Amy walked out of the kitchen, a little red hat stuck to her hammer. "Sorry about that. Now, as I was saying, you know, Sonic's been acting a little wiggy-wiggy too, lately."

"Would you STOP referring to me as wiggy-wiggy! Besides, I'm not crazy! I had a vision about Eggman using evil meat to destroy the planet!"

Once again the table went quiet. "He hasn't taken his happy pills, has he," whispered Knuckles.

"Shut up!" Sonic just then noticed that Twiggy was just about to crack up. "I'm sorry, but is there SOMETHING you need to say?" Twiggy clenched his lips together. "Come on! Spit it out!"

"Mm-nn"

"SAY IT!"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Come on, youw cwazy!" (I did mention that he had a speech impediment, right?) "Youw a few cawds showt of a bwidge touwnament!"

"Shouldn't you be at home, microwaving your cat right about now?"

"Oh, wight! See ya!" Twiggy ran out of the restaurant in a brownish flash.

"He's gone. Hallelujah."

"Who invited that nutbag, anyway?"

"Actually he just fell through the roof." Knuckles pointed to a hole in the ceiling above them.

"Oh. I see. But… how…" Sonic looked curiously at the hole in the roof. "Forget it. I don't want to know." Sonic gulped his slice of pizza down and belched loudly, knocking Rouge and Knuckles out of their chairs.

"I'm not gonna catch the 'crazies' by being belched on, am I?" said Rouge, now sporting a unique blow-dry hairstyle.

"Call me crazy ONE MORE TIME, AND SO HELP ME I'LL…" Amy held up her backpack in front of Sonic, who quietly sat back down mumbling curses against everyone to himself. The group finished eating and once again managed to stuff a kicking, screaming Sonic into Amy's backpack.

-Meanwhile, a rotund madman plots his revenge-

"Muwahaha! He can't stop me this time! Just one… more… bolt… IT IS DONE! MUWAHAHAHAHA!"

"ROBOTNIK! What in the dickens are you doing in the basement?"

"Nothing, Mother! Just playing around with some… stuff!"

"Well, stop! Dinner's ready!"

"In a MINUTE! Just WAIT for crying out loud!" He mumbled under his breath. "...always bugging me,I tell you, when I conquer the world she'll be the first to go..." Eggman flipped the last few switches. "Now, all I need to do is test it. Hmmmm… AHA!" A light bulb lit up above Eggman's head. (To be honest it was more like a candle. He isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.) Eggman pushed the final button, as lights and gizmos began flashing and moving. Suddenly, a great beam of light came shooting out of the contraption, heading out of the window, and into the sky.

-Meanwhile, in the home of Cream and Cheese the Chao, while Cream is still eating pizza and shoving Sonic into Amy's bag-

Cheese sat in his favorite chair (the one by the window and the TV) eating Doritos (which I ALSO don't own, thanks a bunch) and playing Sonic The Hedgehog. He didn't like to play, he just liked to intentionally drop Sonic onto spikes and laugh his butt off. (Do Chaos even have butts? You know what, I don't wanna know.) Just as he went through Sonic's 57th life, a strange beam of light came through the window hitting Cheese smack in the head. His pupils dilated and he dropped the controller onto the floor. An evil smile came across Cheese's face.

-Back in Eggman's mother's basement… I mean, Eggman's evil laboratory…-

"Ha ha ha… go my little Cheese… go and cause havoc… MUWAHAH…"

"ROBOTNIK! I SAID DINNER IS READY!"

"ALRIGHT! I'M COMING! I can't have a moment's peace…" Eggman trudged up the stairs and ate his mother's meatloaf with a grimace on his face, swearing to himself.

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Coming up in episode III-Eggman's plan begins to unfurl, and chaos breaks out in the once-peaceful home of Cream and Cheese. Episode III-When Good Cheese Goes Bad. 


	3. When Good Cheese Goes Bad

Death Bologna

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Another disclaimer- 

Just to remind you, I do not own Sega, Sonic, Nintendo, Doritos, Sony, Dell, Justin Timberlake… (3 hours later) …Bed Bath and Beyond, any of the Osmonds, Ty-D-Bol, Jiffy Pop… (several decades later) …Kodak, Charmin, or Drew Carey. Phew!

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Episode III-When Good Cheese Goes Bad

Cream left first from McGristles, after the belching but before the puking. She climbed into Shadow's car, hotwired it, and drove towards home. (And you thought you knew Cream.) "Eh, Shadow can walk home. I think he needs to air his brain out anyway." She pulled into her driveway, unlocked the front door, and walked in to some... unusual sounds. "Hello-oh! Cheese! I'm home!"

"Hehe..." -crash- "Grrr" -smash-

"Hey, Cheese! I'm... HOLY $#&!" Cream looked at her living room, or, at least, what was left of it, in shock. Everything was either in disarray or in pieces. And at the center of the disaster was Cheese, sporting an evil smile and an even evil-er (?) laugh. "What… why… how could you do this?"

"Hahahaha!" Cheese said, in a deep booming voice.

"HOLY $#&!"

"Stop that! Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Come to papa!" Cheese said, jumping onto Cream's head.

"HOLY (muffled angry expletives)!"

_-Note: A comic license has been taken here. I'm sure that Cream would never hotwire a car in real life, or swear, or kill Britney Spears with a sharpened bar of soap. (Actually, scratch that last one.) Just keep an open mind.-_

-At the home of Sonic-

"GET ME OUT OF HERE! I'LL EAT YOUR UNCLE LEROY! I'LL SHOVE GARLIC UP YOUR NOSE! LET ME…Owww! You don't have to keep putting me in the pack, you know!" Sonic picked himself up off the floor.

"Well, you were being crazy. And crazy people ride in the pack."

"Grumble… stupid… I'm not crazy…" Sonic stomped loudly up the stairs.

"Tails, I have to go. Do you think you can handle Sonic for now?"

"Sure. I guess so." Amy handed Tails her backpack.

"Just in case, you know." Amy winked and walked out the door. "Oh, and if you do need to do some packin', put him in head first, 'kay?"

"Right." Tails mimed stuffing the bag onto Sonic's head, then gave Amy a thumbs-up. Amy smiled and walked out the door. Tails put the bag on the kitchen table and went to the fridge in search of something to take the edge off of that pizza from McGristles.

"Where... are those blasted eggs..." -Thonk- "OW!" Tails fumbled around the fridge, and, after 3 minutes of flying and falling food, located the eggs. He began to fry the eggs (after ANOTHER 3 minutes of dodging falling kitchenware in an attempt to find the frying pan,) when the phone, which was approximately 5 inches from Tails' head, rang loudly, causing Tails to jump up and get his head firmly lodged in the overhanging cupboard.

"Sonic! Phone!" Tails yelled from inside the cupboard. Sonic slowly trudged down the stairs and walked into the kitchen, where he proceeded to answer the phone and yank Tails out of the cupboard at the same time. Tails brushed the broken wood off of him and continued with his eggs.

"Grumble… stupid phone… -click- hello?"

"HOLY $#&!"

"Cream? Is that you?"

"CHEESE IS ATTACKING ME! HE'S TURNED EVIL! HE'S GIVING ME A WEDGIE! HELP! -click-."

"Cream? CREAM? Tails! Get the others! There's a problem at Cream's! Evil Cheese! GO!" Sonic ran out the door at the speed of light, arriving at Cream's house in just under12 seconds. (He stopped to get a chili dog first.) Within 5 minutes, everyone, including Twiggy, was at Cream's house in a state of awe. However, Twiggy was tossed out the door before he could cause any more trouble.

"Help! Someone save me! Sonic! Tails! Amy! Twiggy… HEY, GET HIM OUT OF HERE!" Cream yelled as she was whacked with Cheese's tiny fists of fury.

"Okay, I'll help you!" Amy said. "Cheese, attack Sonic!"

"What the… AHHHH!" Cheese jumped off of Cream and onto the stunned blue hedgehog.

"Thanks, Amy."

"So, do you know what caused this?"

"No, I just came home and found him like this."

"SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! OW!"

"Weird. Hey, what's that?" Amy went towards the weird ray of light coming from the window.

"I don't know."

"I SAID HELP ME! PLEASE! HELP THE DYING HEDGEHOG! OWWWW!"

"Hmmm." Amy put her hand into the light, and then stepped fully into it. Her pupils dilated.

Rouge stepped towards Amy. "Amy? Are you okay?"

Amy smiled slowly. "KILL THE BLUE HEDGEHOG!"

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!"

"Uh oh." The group watched as Amy and Cheese began double-teaming Sonic. Knuckles began eating some popcorn.

"TAILS! CREAM! SHADOW! KNUCKLES! HELP! HE… ARE YOU EATING POPCORN?GET OFF YOUR FAT, LAZY, FURRY BUTT AND HELP ME!"

"Oh, fine." Knuckles picked up the kitchen table and smashed it over the three of them. "Are you happy now?" Cheese and Amy were unconscious. Sonic was woozy, bruised, bleeding, fractured in areas, covered in lumps, and suffering mild brain damage, but other than that okay.

"So, that light makes people evil. I'll bet any money that Eggs-For-Brains has got something to do with this."

"Duh-uh!"

"That's it! The dream! He plans to turn a hunk of meat evil to conquer the world!"

"Well, now that we know what power Eggman's got, I say we go thwack him."

"Yeah, let's whack the cwap out of Wobotnik!"

"TWIGGY, GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Sowwy…" Twiggy trudged out the door.

"Now as I was saying, let's go find Eggman before he does something nasty with meat."

"Agreed." The group walked out of Cream's house leaving Amy and Cheese under the kitchen table.

"Hey, is that my car in your driveway?"

"No. Come on. Let's go." They headed towards the house of the only person who knew and would tell of the location of Eggman's hideout: Davy Sprocket. (Dum dum duuuuuum!)

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Coming soon in episode IV-The gang meets up with a familiar robot, and Eggman continues his evil meat plot. Episode IV-Interview With A Crossed Wire 


	4. Interview With A Crossed Wire

Death Bologna

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-You guessed it: ANOTHER DISCLAIMER!- 

I do not own anything of great value. You know, like Sega, Sonic, Nintendo, a car, Goodyear, Scooby Doo Xbox, **AN** Xbox, money, etc. But while I may NOT own Starbucks, Beverly Hills 90210, Alfred Hitchcock, Oreos, Hot Pockets, American Express, Jackie Chan, Jim Belushi, or any characters from any Final Fantasy game, I DO own… um… uh… let's see… I own… uh… COCOA PUFFS! Not the brand, I just own a box of Cocoa Puffs. Yeah… you know, I'm just gonna get to the story.

* * *

Episode IV-Interview With A Crossed Wire

The gang, led by Sonic, was headed to the small town of Buttered Biscuit, Mississippi, to have a chat with a certain familiar face… (It's Davy Sprocket. You knew that right? Good. Just checking.) Anyway, along the way, Tails gets bored… and tensions began rising…

"**100 million bottles of beer on the wall! 100 million bottles of beer…"**

"Oh God, does he ever shut up?"

"**Take one down, pass it around…"**

"Someone… MAKE IT STOP!"

"**999 million, 999 thousand, 999 bottles of beer on the wall!"**

"I… WILL… SMASH… YOUR… HEAD… THROUGH… THE… WINDOW!"

"**999 million, 999 thousand, 999 bottles of beer on the wall! Come on, everybody sing!"**

"THAT'S IT! TO THE TRUNK!"

-15 hours later-

"(Muffled) 575 million, 822 thousand, 682 bottles of beer on the wall!"

"Sonic?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Why don't you go back there and add some more duct tape."

"Okay. STOP THE CAR!"

"But, you're the one driving."

"Oh… right… I'll just… stop the car… myself…" Sonic parked the car on the side of the road and got out. He walked to the back of the car, at the same time realizing why Shadow had yelled out 'Watch out for the cow pie!'.

"Ohh, sick!"

Amy gazed out the window. "What do you mean, 'Oh sick'… EWWWW! SONIC!"

"Sorry. When you said 'cow pie', I thought you were talking about, like, some kind of like, beef pie. And I was wondering why you were screaming about a beef pie. But… you meant… the steaming pile of unhappiness I just… stepped in."

"SONIC, YOU ARE NOT COMING INTO THIS CAR WITHOUT WIPING THAT CRAP OFF YOUR FEET!"

"Okay, okay."

(But, enough with the doody jokes. Back to the story.)

Sonic opened the trunk to see Tails, who, by now, had 464,245,333 bottles of beer left.

"…bottles of beer… hey, Sonic! Could you not put the bag on my head and shut the trunk, because it's getting very hard to brea-MMMMHMHMM!" Sonic duct taped Tails' mouth and put the bag back on his head, slamming the trunk down like Tails was the Tasmanian Devil (which I ALSO don't own, thank you very freakin' much.)

"We're good. Let's go." They once again left for Buttered Biscuit.

-17 more hours and 27 bathroom breaks later-

"We're here!" The gang of furry friends exited the car happy, and in desperate need of elbow room.

"Buttered Biscuit! Gee, this place has such a… retro feel to it." Amy said as she wandered aimlessly.

Sonic looked around. "I think you're confusing 'retro' with 'old-as-dirt'. This place looks like the town that time and evolution skipped over." As Sonic said this an old man appeared on the front porch of an old, rickety, wooden house.

"How-dee!" The man waved to the gang with his right hand, as his left hand was holding a shotgun.

"I rest my case."

"Sonic! Be nice!" Amy lifted her hammer slowly above her head. "Or do I have to use Mr. Whack Whack?"

"NO MR. WHACK WHACK! NO MR. WHACK WHACK! I'll be good…"

"Hey, where's Tails?"

"What? Ooooooooooh…" Sonic opened up the trunk to find Tails' body, which was attracting flies.

"SONIC!"

Sonic turned to Amy. "What? Have you never played 'Sonic 2'? He'll be coming back any second now…"

"Hi, guys!" Everyone looked up as Tails descended back to the Earth, coming from, apparently, nowhere. "What's going on?"

Everyone was in amazement. "Whoa. That was cool." Shadow walked forward towards Tails, and begun poking him over and over.

"Stop it!"

"Okay, he's real." Shadow walked back towards the car. Everyone else still had their jaws open. Knuckles grabbed his head as if in pain.

"Too much information… mind blowing… laws of death irrelevant… I CAN'T TAKE IT! AHHHHHHHH!" Knuckles began running at full speed, still clutching his head. After about 10 seconds, a stop sign ended his running spree. He didn't see the sign and stop, he just ran into it.

Shadow rolled his eyes. "Oooooooookay… well, I can assume that most of us are freaked out, so I think I speak for everyone when I say, can you do it again?"

Sonic looked mildly confused. "Do what?"

Shadow gave the finger-across-neck 'death' sign and pointed to Tails.

"Oh. Oooooh. Okay." Sonic walked over to Tails and pointed his finger towards the sky. "Hey, is that the Goodyear Blimp?"

Tails turned his head excitedly. "WHERE? -squish- OWWW! MY CEREBRUM! Ugh…" Tails fell to the ground with a thunk while Sonic waited, brain in hand, for the next Tails to come flying down. After a few seconds, another Tails was on the way down.

"Voila. Can we go now?"

"Sure. Uh… go where?" Everyone looked around, just realizing that they had no idea where Davy Sprocket lived.

"Uh, what about that dark, spooky, Scooby Doo-type castle over there?" Tails pointed to a giant castle atop a forest-covered hill.

"Great. Could we GET any less original?"

"C'mon. We'd better get going." Sonic started to walk towards the forested area. After a few steps, he realized that nobody was following him. "What? Come on."

"We've got a car." Amy pointed to the car. "It's a magical device that moves people without them having to walk. It has these four bizarre round things called wheels, which…" Sonic tuned Amy out at this point. He'd known Amy long enough to know that it's best just to let her wear out her 'sarcastic mode' without interfering and risking an encounter with Mr. Whack Whack.

After the sarcasm barrage was over, everyone climbed into the car (except Knuckles, who was thrown in the trunk with Tails,) and they headed off to the mysterious castle. As the car started to move, the old guy from the porch began running towards the moving automobile, eventually jumping and landing on the windshield for no apparent reason.

"How-dee!"

"What the crap, dude!" Sonic (who was driving) began swerving across the dirt road.

"Y'all don't wanna be goin' to that there castle-y place up there in that there thingamajigger."

"Were there any words in that sentence?"

"I heard 'up'"

"I'm tellin' y'all, that there castle place is haunted!"

"Have you been sniffing pudding powder?"

"What's that got to do with anything? Anyway, I'm tellin' y'all the truth!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight…" Sonic hit the button in his car that squirts the windshield fluid and activates the wipers. After about 10 seconds the old man couldn't take it and slid right off like a bar of soap. The old man, however, kept yelling until the car was out of sight.

"I SWEAR TO Y'ALL! IT'S HAUNTED! DON'T GO UP THERE! I MEAN IT! I… aw, shucks. Oh well. Now where's that pudding powder…"

-Meanwhile, in Big Bob's Butcher Shop just outside of Eggman's headquarters-

Eggman enters the shop with a creepily evil smile on his face. The person behind the counter looks up at Eggman with a slightly disturbed look on his face. "Um… can I help you, sir?"

"YES! You can very well help me…" Eggman squints and looks at the nametag of the person behind the counter. "…Jim. I'm looking for… SOME MEAT!"

"Ooookay… any kind of meat in particular?"

"Why, yes. I'd like… SOME EVIL MEAT!"

"Uh huh… well… I don't think we have any evil meat. We've got, like, hamburgers and stuff."

"EVIL HAMBURGERS?"

"Um, no, I don't think they're evil."

"Well, then, I have no interest in them… Jim. What else?"

"Uh, well, you can see we've got some steaks, but…"

"EVIL STEAKS?"

"No, beef steaks. Y'know, from cows…"

"EEEEEEEEVIL COWS?"

"I don't think I've ever seen an evil cow."

"Do you not watch CNN? They had a whole segment on them last week!"

"No, they had a segment on mad cows suffering from mad cow disease."

"Oh. Well, do you…"

"NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MAD COW STEAKS!"

"Well, WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?"

"I don't know! I mean, we've got, like, sausage, and…"

"EEEEEEEEVIL SAUSAGE?"

"No, I'm pretty sure it's not evil, y'know…"

"Well for crumpet's sake, if your sausage is not evil, what is? Oh well…" The Great Egged One began to walk out of the shop, which brought great relief to Jim, who went to clean off the meat grinder. At this point, Eggman realized that he had forgotten about one single piece of meat which he had seen out of the corner of his eye. He turned around rapidly, and began running as fast as a fat man with pencil-like legs could towards the shop. He slammed his body through the doors, breaking the little bell that rings when you open them. "WAIT!" This exclamation nearly caused Jim to jump into the meat grinder. "What… is… THAT?" He pointed towards a particular meat in the front display case.

"That's… bologna, sir." Jim said from under a table.

"YES! Bologna! The most evil meat ever to be created! It tormented me throughout my childhood… every lunch… I would open my lunchbox with excited and hopeful eyes… anticipating a PB&J, or a Fluffernutter… maybe, God-willing, a Hot Pocket… but NO! THE INFERNAL BOLOGNA WAS ALWAYS THERE! TAUNTING ME WITH IT'S… MEATINESS! STOP TAUNTING ME! MOMMY! MOMMY!" At this point, Eggman realized that he was screaming at nothing and sucking his thumb. He pulled the thumb slowly out of his mouth, and regained his composure. Incidentally, Jim was in a ball on the floor sucking his thumb too. "Jim!"

"WHAT!"

"I would like to purchase some meat."

Jim stood up slowly. "Really?"

"Yes. I would like one pound of…" Eggman threw his fists up into the air. "DEATH BOLOGNA!"

"What!"

"Oh, sorry. One pound of bologna, please." Eggman then began laughing in a maniacal and disturbing fashion. "MUWAHAHOOHAHA! MUWAHAHOOHAHA!"

"Okay, sir." Jim quickly wrapped up the meat. "That'll be $13.50."

"MUWAHAHOO… what?"

"The bologna, it comes to $13.50."

"Oh." Eggman looked through his pockets and, through the magical power of video games, pulled a jar of pennies out of his pants. "Would you take 1350 pennies?"

"No sir."

"Well, how about American Express?"

"Sorry, no American Express. Policy."

"Oh. Well, then, I guess, I'll GO. To get some… MONEY. BUT I'LL BE BACK! YOU'LL SEE! I WILL RETURN! MUWAHAHOOHAHA! MUWAHA…" Eggman continued his maniacal laugh as he exited the shop and walked down the street. As for Jim, he just went back into the fetal position and began sucking his thumb.

(A.N. By now, you may have realized that this chapter is a bit longer than the previous three. Well, it's only gonna get longer. But don't worry. It'll get better. Just keep reading. Seriously. I mean it. Read on.)

-Meanwhile, outside of a certain person's castle-

Sonic turned off the car and stepped out. "Well, I guess we're here. C'mon guys. Guys?" At this point, Sonic realized that he had neglected to leave the parking brake on. "Ooooh… well, they'll be okay." As soon as that sentence was uttered, Sonic heard and saw a gigantic, fiery, explosion at the bottom of the hill he'd just driven up. "Oops."

"Oooooooooh, Sooooooonic…" Sonic looked up to see Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, Amy, and Rouge descending from the sky. "Did we forget something rhyming with 'marking drake'?"

"Hehe… sorry about that."

"We're sorry too."

"Sorry for what?"

"For what we're ABOUT TO DO TO YOU!" The five jumped Sonic and proceeded to give him an old-style whoopin'. After about fifteen minutes, they decided to go into the castle.

"Creeeeeeeeepy."

"Okay, Tails, go and knock on the door."

"Why me?"

"Okay, okay. Let's decide this fairly. If your name is Tails, raise your hand." Tails raised his hand and looked around to see that nobody else was.

"Aw, fudgesicle." Tails walked up the giant wooden doors and raised his fist to knock, when the doors suddenly opened of their own accord. Needless to say, Tails was freaked out by this occurrence, and had to be carried in by Knuckles and Rouge.

"Well, here we are." Sonic led the group forward down a grand hallway, lined with portraits and suits of armor. And they all got the strangest feeling that someone was watching them…

"That's weird."

"What?"

"Does it feel like you're walking on a bed of potatoes?" Everyone stopped moving and looked down. The floor was, in fact, made out of potatoes.

"That's… bizarre."

"Yes… yes it is. But we can't stop. We have to find Davy Sprocket." They continued to walk across the potatoes down the hallway. They could see a large set of wooden doors at the end of the hall, and they could hear… strange noises inside.

"That's our guy. C'mon."

Tails, however, is still spooked. -squeek- "WHAT WAS THAT?"

"What was what?"

"I HEARD SOMETHING! THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" Rouge and Knuckles had to grab Tails to prevent him from running away.

"Okay, look. This place is not haunted. Look." Knuckles twisted Tails' head around to see behind them. "See? Nothing but pictures, armor, and potatoes. Now come on."

Tails continued walking forward until… -SQUEEEEEEEK- "SONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!"

"(Unknown mumbled words)" Sonic pulled the frightened Tails off of his face. "What is it now?"

"SOMETHING'S OUT TO GET US!"

"For the last time nothing is out to… AHHHHHHHH!" Sonic and Tails looked around to see one of the suits of armor walking behind them. The others quickly turned, and soon, Sonic was attempting to run away while carrying the 5 people clinging to his skull.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Move! I can't see where I'm going!" Sonic swerved around the hall, eventually running into the door at the end. The dazed 5 looked up, to see the armored figure standing in front of them. They were trapped. Dum dum duuuuuuuuum!

(A.N. Dum dum duuuuuuuuuum added for dramatic emphasis.)

The armored one moved forward, as everyone backed up against the door which was sealed tight. Suddenly, it spoke. "Hi, evewybody!"

"TWIGGY!"

"What?" Twiggy took his helmet off.

"I am SO gonna hurt you."

"Why?" Everybody rolled their eyes at the same time. Sonic stood up.

"How did YOU get here?"

"Well, I was at home, microwaving my cat, when…"

"Never mind. Twiggy, do me a favor. Turn around and walk twenty steps."

"Okay." Twiggy turned and walked the twenty steps. Sonic began running at full speed towards him.

"FORE!"

"Four what? AHHHH!" -BOOT- Sonic kicked Twiggy clear through the stone roof of the castle, which, I imagine, had to hurt.

"Took care of that. Now let's go." Sonic knocked on the giant doors, and they slowly opened, to reveal a shaking Davy Sprocket on the other side.

"Can I… help you?"

"We'd like to talk to you about a certain… egg-shaped acquaintance." Davy scratched his head.

"Jim Belushi?"

"No!"

"Alfred Hitchcock?"

"No, no! Eggman! You know, Dr. Robotnik!"

"Which one?" Sonic, at this point in time, was immensely frustrated.

"Is he always this stupid?"

"Have you ever played 'Mean Bean Machine'?"

"No."

"Well then, yeah. He is always this stupid." Knuckles pushed his way past the other five and proceeded to grab Davy by the head and hold him above the potato-y (?) floor.

"LOOK, YOU PIECE OF CRAP! TELL US WHERE ROBOTNIK'S HIDEOUT IS, OR I'LL CRUSH YOUR FACE INTO LITTLE TINY BITE-SIZED PIECES!"

"Don't hurt me! Robotnik always hurt me…" Knuckles set Davy down.

"That reminds me, why did you leave Robotnik's side in the first place?"

"He was always so cruel to me… when I did something wrong he would stuff me into a burlap bag and beat me with a sock full of turnips. At night he would force me to sleep on a bed of nails sitting atop a giant vat of man-eating aardvarks."

"But… if he was so mean to you, why'd you stay with him so long?"

"Why? Well, that's simple." An orchestral intro begins playing in the background. "(Singing) I was but a young machine, and…"

"NO SINGING! WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW!"

"Sorry."

"However, we DO need to know where Robotnik's headquarters are."

"That's easy. Here are the coordinates." Davy pointed to a piece of paper that was taped to the wall that read 'Places To Bomb: Robotnik's Headquarters N44-W67, Earl's Quick Lube (Bad Oil Change) N56-E11, (Possible) Kathy Lee's House N12-E98 (cross off list if phone call is returned)'.

"Thanks a lot." The group exited the castle and began walking to the coordinates. (Their car rolled to the bottom of the hill and exploded, remember?) Davy closed the doors and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, at least they're gone. Now, back to Beverly Hills 90210." He turned on the TV and began watching intently. Creepy.

-Meanwhile, outside the castle-

"Well, we've got our coordinates, anyone got a map?"

"Yeah, there was one in the car." Everyone looked at the smoldering pile of metal that was once an automobile.

"Crap."

"Well, we can just get one later. Right now, let's get out of this place."

"Agreed." The gang began running and flying to get out of Buttered Biscuit as fast as they could. "Eggman, here we come!"

-Later that night, in the castle, Davy Sprocket is still watching TV, when…-

"Don't kiss him! He doesn't love you!" -BRIIIIIIIING- "AHHHH!" Davy jumped out of his seat and answered the phone. An unknown voice spoke on the other end.

"Did you give them the coordinates?"

"Yes…"

"Excellent. You will receive your reward tomorrow."

"Where will you be?"

"You won't find me… I'll find you." -click-

"Hello? HELLO? -gulp- Why did I ever agree to this… oh well." Davy went back to the TV. "I said he doesn't love you! Can't you see that? I need a girlfriend…"

* * *

Phew! Long one, eh? Coming soon in episode V-Badniks and robots rampage in Station Square. Where are our heroes? In a Mexican restaurant. Episode V-Banditos And Burritos 


	5. Banditos And Burritos

Death Bologna

* * *

-What's this? Could it be… ANOTHER DISCLAIMER?- 

I do not own Sega, Sonic Team, or any of the Sonic-related characters within this fanfic (except my original and demented creation, Twiggy.) I also do not own Wal-Mart, Taco Bell, any of the Baldwins, Milanta, or Pepto Bismol. Or do I… no. No I don't. I still don't own Sega. Nuts.

* * *

Episode V-Banditos And Burritos 

The gang, which consisted of Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, Rouge, and Amy, were walking the long walk through the middle of nowhere to the coordinates given to them by Davy Sprocket. After about 2 hours, the inevitable happened. Tails began singing again.

"**276 million 377 thousand 251 bottles of beer on the wall! 276 million 377 thousand 251 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 276 million 377 thousand 250 bottles of beer on the wall! **Hey, Sonic! Sonic? SONIC! What's up with Sonic?**"**

"What? Oh, he put two ham sandwiches in his ears a while back so he wouldn't have to listen to your unbearable singing." Tails stopped walking.

"Hey, that's not nice!"

"No, it isn't." Shadow glared at Tails.

"Grumble…" Tails stomped forward and placed his face one inch away from Sonic's head and prepared to scream. "SONIC!"

"What?" Sonic pulled the sandwiches out of his ears.

"Are we there yet?"

"Does it LOOK like we're there yet?"

"How should I know? None of us knows what 'THERE' looks like!" An awkward silence filled the air. Shadow quickly filled the silence.

"The small, orange, annoying one is right. We don't actually know what Robotnik's hideout looks like." Sonic is getting frustrated by now.

"Well, we'll just have to look HARDER! Now, BE QUIET OR I WILL REMOVE YOUR LIVER!" Everybody stared at the huffing and puffing Sonic and took one step backwards. "Now LET'S continue MOVING!" Everybody nodded their heads.  
Sonic turned around and continued walking. The vein on his forehead was popping out to about 2 inches. Needless to say, everyone was a bit uneasy for the next half-hour.

-One half-hour later, Sonic has cooled down, and they are nearing the coordinate location-

Sonic looked at the map and compass which he'd gotten out to check the location. (Gotten out of where?) Everyone was tired and in pain, and secretly wanted to yell 'Are we there yet?' except Tails, who actually yelled it.

"ARE WE THERE YET?" Sonic stopped walking and stared intensely at the map.

"Yes."

Tails started stomping around. "Well, when are we gonna get…" Tails stopped and turned his head. "Wait, what did you say?"

"According to the map and compass, this is North 44, West 67. We're here!"

"Yes!"

"Alright!"

"Cool!"

"Taters?"

The dust cleared just enough in front of the group to reveal the outline of a building. After a few seconds, the dust cleared, and the building was in full view, as a wave of confusion swept over the group. Tails, once again, spoke what everyone was thinking.

"What kinda name is that for an evil base?" A small, weathered building with the name 'El Taco Conquistador' painted atop it stood in front of our fuzzy heroes. The gang stared in utter vexation as they pondered why Eggman's headquarters would look like a Mexican restaurant.

"Well… maybe it's a cover, you know?"

"Only one way to find out. Let's go." They began walking towards the building's entrance. Sonic pushed open the saloon-style swinging doors and stepped inside. The smell of tacos permeated the entire structure, and Sonic could see that the interior was that of a Mexican restaurant. Also, everyone was wearing sombreros. The frustrated group all entered, one by one, only to become more puzzled and infuriated.

"I don't believe it. That mental case of a robot gave us the wrong coordinates."

Shadow pushed his way to the front of the gang. "I'll be the judge of that." Shadow ran and jumped on top of one of the tables, pulling out two handguns. Everyone else was taken quite aback.

"Whoa! What the crap! Where did you get those?"

"Wal-Mart. Now shut up. I'm trying to work here." Shadow turned back to face the immensely freaked-out restaurant crowd. "NOW LISTEN UP! IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE EGGMAN'S SECRET HIDEOUT IS, I WILL KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!" Nobody in the restaurant said a word. "I MEAN IT!" Once again, the room was silent, everyone still in shock. "I'LL KILL YOU!" Silence. "I LIKE MARSHMALLOWS!" The restaurant was still silent. Everyone was still about to faint. Shadow stepped down from the table and put the guns away. "They don't know nothin'. We're in the wrong place."

Sonic wiped the sweat off of his forehead. "Well, if this isn't the hideout, we might as well just get going."

"Wait, Sonic!"

"What?"

"Can we stay for a few minutes? I'm REEEEEEEEALLY hungry!"

Rouge continued with persuading Sonic. "You know, we've been on our feet for a while now. It would do us good to rest."

"No! Every second that we don't move, we give Robotnik more time to destroy the world!"

"But Sonic…"

"NO!" Amy stepped forward, hammer in hand.

"Come on, Sonic! We're all tired, and…"

"I said NO!" Amy lifted her hammer above her head. "…but I meant yes! Okay. We can get some food, but we can only stay for 15 minutes."

"Okay!"

-3 ½ hours later-

Sonic, who was now wearing a sombrero, led the conga line around the restaurant. "Cha cha cha! TEQUILA!" Sonic turned around to the slightly confused Mexican restaurant-goers forming the rest of the line. "Alright! What d'ya say to one more go around the place?"

"Si si, señor!"

"Okay! One more!" Sonic continued moving, chanting 'Cha cha cha tequila'. Meanwhile, Tails was stuffing his face with tacos and attempting to read the all-Spanish menu.

"What's that?"

"That is the restaurant name, El Taco Conquistador, señor."

"El Taco Conquistador? That's a funny way to spell Taco Bell!"

"Oy…"

"And what's THAT?"

"That's a picture of a taco."

"Ohhhhhh… so, what's that?" Tails proceeded to force the waiter to repeat and explain every item, picture, and bizarre word on the menu at least three times. (It should be noted that this waiter is now attending group therapy to work through this stressful event.) Meanwhile, Shadow was at the bar reconsidering his choice of friends.

"You know, maybe I could get to know those Baldwin brothers. I mean, they seem like nice enough people… HEY! BARTENDER! ANOTHER DARK MARTINI!"

(A.N. A dark martini, for those curious, is composed of 2 oz. of gin, ½ oz. of vermouth, and ¼ oz. of pure evil. Shaken, not stirred.)

The bartender went to grab the bottles. "Uno momento, señorita!" He began shaking the martini shaker which was making a strange clunking sound when shaken.

"I mean that Daniel Baldwin nice enough, I don't know about Alec though…" The bartender pulled out a glass and began to pour, but something other than a martini came out. -THUNK- "What the…"

"Man, it's weally cwamped in there… hi Shadow!"

"TWIGGY! How the… when the… where… how did YOU get here?"

"Well, I was at home giving my hamstew stewoids, when…"

"Never mind. BARTENDER! ONE DARK MARTINI MINUS THE IDIOT THIS TIME!"

"Si, señorita!"

Amy, who was having the time of her life, joined Shadow at the bar. "Hello-oh! How are you doing?"

"I loathe life."

"Well, that's nice! I should go now…"

"Those Baldwins don't carry hammers… HEY, COULD YOU TURN THE TV ON?" The bartender nodded and turned on the TV to reveal a shocking bit of news.

"_We take you live to Station Square where evil robots are running amok. This seems to be the work of a Dr. Robotnik, a self-proclaimed 'evil genius', or, as everyone else would say, a 'big fat stupid crazy guy'."_

"HEY, TURN THAT UP!"

"_As you can see behind me, the robots are destroying everything in sight. In fact… yes, they are coming to get me. The robots are coming to get me. They have lifted me up and… they are carrying me away. What a riveting turn of events. Back to you!"_ The shot went back to the news studio.

"_Well, wasn't that interesting. Wait…"_ The anchorman put his finger to his ear. "_We are just getting word that Robotnik himself has just released a statement which is being broadcast to that big, giant, television screen thingy in the middle of Station Square. Let's watch."_ The shot went back to Station Square, where hundreds of people were gathered around the giant screen. Suddenly, a familiar and notorious face appeared.

"_**PITIFUL HUMANS!** **You…** what? What are you talking about? Yes, it's recording! Well, the red light is on. It's blinking. Okay, but I… **PITIFUL HUMANS! For too long, you have thwarted be, resisted my plans of domination, and otherwise caused me turmoil. BUT NOT ANYMORE! For I have the ultimate power at my disposal. A power so great, it will make all of the world tremble! Succumb to my demands, or face obliteration! MUWAHAHOOHAHA! MUWAHAHOOHAHA! End transmission.** Well, that went well enough, eh? I tell you, it's when you know you can't scratch that you've gotta scratch. Seriously. My butt was fine before the broadcast. But the camera goes on and suddenly I feel like I'm sitting on poison ivy. Ahhhhhh… what? What are you talking about? What do you mean I'm still on? But the red light… oh, THAT'S IT!" _Eggman raised his fist and slammed it down on the camera. The screen went black again.

"Holy crap!"

"Whoa!"

"Oh no!"

"Tacos?"

"Come on, guys! We've got to go, now!"

"But Sonic… my tummy is real grumbly… I think I had too many tacos…"

"No time! Come on! We have to save Station Square!" Sonic grabbed Tails by the arm and ran out the door. The others followed shortly thereafter. "Go! Go! Go! Go!" They all ran out of the restaurant, when Shadow just stopped moving.

"Shadow! What is it? What happened?" Shadow looked like he was in deep thought.

"That bartender… HE CALLED ME A GIRL!" Shadow ran back in the restaurant at full speed. The others could hear crashes, crunches, screams, and clucking. Shadow walked back out, a satisfied smile on his face.

"Happy?"

"Quite." Back in the restaurant, the other diners could see the bartender, who was stuffed into a martini shaker.

"Ow, señor."

"Hi, bawtender! Cwamped in here, ain't it!"

"Oy…"

Back outside the restaurant, Tails was popping Pepto Bismol tablets and Shadow was drinking Evil Martinis out of a sports bottle. "Now, let's go! We must defeat Eggman!"

"Yeah, let's go!" The gang ran off towards Station Square, and the badniks destroying it. All except Tails, who was walking slowly and drinking Milanta straight from the bottle.

* * *

Coming soon in episode VI-The gang must fight off hordes of robots to defend Station Square, and a new quest to find and destroy Dr. Robotnik begins with a little help from yet another familiar face… Episode VI-Save Our Square 


	6. Save Our Square

Death Bologna

* * *

-Oh no! It can't be! It's… YET ANOTHER DISCLAIMER!- 

I do not own Sonic. I don't own Sega. I don't own Sonic Team. I don't own Final Fantasy. I don't own any of the Sonic-related characters in this story except Twiggy. Period. That's it. Nothing funny about that. Nope. Nothing. That's all. Goodbye. Taters.

* * *

Episode VI-Save Our Square 

As the group of furry heroes ran to defend Station Square, one thought kept running its path through Sonic's mind. He wondered why Robotnik had waited this long to unleash this new power upon the world. In days past, his first priority would be to squash Sonic where he stands using every bit of force he has. Not this time. This time he's waiting. Sonic continued contemplating, until Tails broke the silence in a very disturbing way.

"I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world, life in plastic, it's fantastic…"

"That's a new one."

"Does he ever shut up?"

"Not willingly. That's where I come in!" Shadow pulled out a roll of duct tape and proceeded to silence the orange menace.

"You can brush my hair, und…MMMNMMNMMNM!"

"Problem solved."

"Thanks. Now let's go!" The group rushed toward Station Square at full speed, only to find a city in pure chaos.

"Whoa!" They screeched to a halt upon entering the city limits. The vibrant city which they once knew was now a festering pile of robotic evil, like the democratic party! (Ba-zing! Just kidding. I wanted to throw at least one political joke in this thing.)

"My God… they're everywhere!"

"What are you talking about, Knuxie-Poo?"

"Starbucks! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! Oh, and evil robots. They're everywhere too. And stop calling me Knuxie-Poo, Rouge!"

"Oh, you know you like it, my little Knuxie-Wuxie-Buxie-Mux… MNMMNMNMNMN!"

"Thanks, Shadow." Shadow spun his duct tape on his finger.

"No problemo." The group rushed at break-neck speed to the city center, where a crumbling city hall stopped their movement.

"Tails! Get outta the way!" The building collapsed, turning into nothing but a pile of debris lined with shards of glass and metal. Tails jumped out of the way enough to prevent his instant, splatter-y death, but was now trapped under a giant marble statue of Fudgey the Crime-Fighting Whale.

"MNMNMMNNMMN" -RRRRIP- Sonic ripped the duct tape off of Tails' mouth. "Ow! Sonic! Help me! It's not incredibly comfortable under this thing!"

"Don't worry! I've heard that in times of great stress, a person can have superhuman strength!" Sonic rushed over to the statue, clutched Fudgey's fins, and lifted with every bit of might that he had in his body. The whale didn't budge an inch.

"SONIC! WHAT'S GOING ON!"

"Huh. I guess I'm not as stressed out about you dying as I thought I'd be."

"SONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!"

"Oh, all right." Sonic began revving up his trademark spin dash, which was aimed right at Fudgey's face. "Here… we… go!" Sonic dashed at full, glorious speed, making a beeline for Fudgey's oversized cranium. The whale exploded in a fury of marble, propelling the trapped Tails directly up. And he must have forgotten he can fly, because he came back straight down with a sickening………-SPLAT-.

"Ewww…"

"Well, that's done. Tails? Tails?"

"SONIC!" Amy whacked Sonic on the noggin.

"What? Ohhhhhh…" Sonic gazed at a pile of fur which he assumed was (or used to be) Tails. Shadow pulled out the duct tape.

"Can I help?"

"No, no. We just have to wait for the next one. Ahh! Here it comes now!"

"Hi guys!" Tails descended to the ground a couple of feet away, apparently not realizing that he was lowering himself into a group of maniacal rampaging robots, which quickly carried him away chanting 'furry furry die die'.

"And… there he goes. He'll be okay." The group of bots spotted Sonic and friends, and quickly gathered around them. Robots from every era of Eggman stood before them, from those purple centipedes that you have to hit on the head from Sonic the Hedgehog, to the large, annoying, indestructible security beetle from Rouge's levels in Sonic Adventure 2, plus that weird turret-chicken thingamabob that shoots eggs from Sonic 2. Amy tapped Sonic on the shoulder and whispered to him through clenched teeth.

"What do we do now?"

"Well, I guess we kick the everlasting crap out of them." Knuckles stepped forward. "Let me handle this." Knuckles (or Knuxie-Poo, if you prefer,) stepped towards the enclosing army of robots which was, oddly enough, led by a familiar yet unexpected face; Omachao.

"What do YOU want?"

"Omachao? Since when have you been evil? You used to be like… wait, what's that?" Thefuzzy heroeslooked over at the group of robots and noticed that two of them were carrying something. Upon closer inspection, they realized that they were carrying somebody tied to a stick. "Is that…"

"It can't be!"

"Hi, evwybody!"

"Twiggy! But how… when… who… how did you get here?"

"Well, I was at home cwoss-bweeding a pit bull and a llama when…"

"Never mind. Now, as I was saying, Omachao, you used to be nice. And give us hints and stuff. What's up with that?" Omachao moved towards Knuckles, and stomped on his foot.

"That's none of your business! Now leave, or I will be forced to hurt you a second time."

"Listen, shortcake. Just tell us where Eggman's base is and we'll be on our merry little way."

"Fat chance! The only person who knows the TRUE location of Dr. Robotnik's base is Sir Ffuz… someone who will remain nameless. Even if I DID know where it was, I wouldn't tell you corn dogs where it was!"

"Did he just call us corn dogs?"

"Yeah, I think he did."

"Now go away or I will unleash my fists of fury upon your sorry buttocks!"

"Yeah, right!" Knuckles ran towards Omachao and slammed his fist into the ground where the small chao-shaped one stood. "HYAAAA!" -SMASH-

"Um, you weren't, like, attempting to hit me, were you?" The dust from the impact settled, revealing a still alive Omachao, standing a few inches away from Knuckles' fist, which was buried 2 inches deep in the cement.

"Why you little… OOF!" Omachao walked calmly forward and under Knuckles, where he proceeded to give him a New Jersey Gut-Buster (a forceful punch to the stomach.) Knuckles clutched his stomach and staggered back to the group. Everyone else was stunned.

"Soooo… when do we kick the everlasting crap out of them?"

"Bite me, Sonic."

"I don't think you'd taste very good. Anyway, I have a plan." Everyone huddled together and Sonic began whispering. Omachao began tapping his foot impatiently. After a minute, Sonic stood up and faced Omachao. "I challenge you to a one-on-one duel." Omachao thought for a second.

"Okay. Bring it on. We fight now." Omachao quickly got into a Tae Kwon Do fighting stance, which looked quite funny considering that he was less than a third of Sonic's size. The robots and furries quickly backed up to form a ring around the two fighters.

"Do you really think you have a chance against me?" Omachao rolled his eyes… around in a rag to polish them, then popped them back in. (Didn't see THAT one coming, eh?) He then opened a panel on his stomach to reveal a big red button.

"Right now, not really." Omachao pushed the big red button. Everyone could hear a slow, mechanic whirring. Suddenly, Omachao's arms and legs extended. Then, armor popped out of his torso, covering his limbs and chest. His head became incased in a larger glass dome. Out of his back popped a jetpack, while his hands took the form of Megaman-esque blasters. In about 30 seconds, Omachao had gone from a tiny little Chao-shaped robot to what looked like a 12-foot-tall Transformer on steroids. Also, his voice had gone from light, happy, and munchkin-y to deep, scary, and just plain disturbing. "I think my chances are a bit better now."

"Wha… how… you…"

"What's the matter? You said I didn't have a chance against you! Hahahahaha!" Needless to say, pretty much everyone was on the verge of wetting themselves. Sonic quickly regained his composure and returned to fighting stance.

"Well, big Omachao or little Omachao, I can still whip you senseless!"

"Ha! Foolish being. The only way you could POSSIBLY beat me is if you _press the A button to jump and then use your spin attack by rapidly pressing the B button._" Everyone stared at Omachao. Omachao looked around, and began muttering to himself, "Stupid Sonic Adventure 2 producers forcing me to give those fuzz balls hints… piece of crap niceness rubbed off on me… A POX ON YOU, SONIC TEAM!"

"Ooooooooookay… you know, maybe you should take some of these happy pills…"

"SHUT UP AND FIGHT!"

"Okay, jeez… here I come!" Sonic jumped up (doing his trademark Kaiten Jump) and dashed towards Omachao. He kept spinning and gaining speed, aiming his body directly at Omachao's head. "Have a taste of this!" -DINK- Sonic whacked Omachao and fell to the ground. His powerful attack hadn't made a dent in Omachao's body. Sonic was, needless to say, stunned. "What the chunky monkey…"

"HAHAHA! YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK THAT YOUR PATHETIC ATTACK WOULD HAVE ANY AFFECT ON ME, DID YOU? THIS BODY IS MADE OF PURE TITANIUM ALLOY, POWERED BY 7 DISARRAY EMERALDS!"

"What are disarray emeralds?"

"They're like chaos emeralds, only cheaper… and not as powerful… but they do come in 12 funky-fresh colors."

"Cool."

"Nice."

"Yes, they're sweet. NOW PREPARE TO DIE, FOR YOU CAN NEVER HOPE TO MATCH MY AWESOME POWER, AND…" As Omachao was ranting and raving, a dark figure began to creep up behind him. Sonic saw who it was and was somewhat surprised. It was… Cream.

(A.N. If you recall, Cream disappeared after Episode II, and hasn't been seen since. If you're wondering happened to her, well…)

_-FLASHBACK-_

Cream tightly turned the street corner doing 85 miles per hour in the car she'd stolen just a few minutes ago. A horde of police cars followed her closely. She rolled down the window and stuck out her hand (which was holding a handgun.) "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME! HAHAHAHA!" -BLAM- -BLAM- She fired off two warning shots in the air. "HAHAH… uh-oh." She realized that she was heading directly into a brick wall. She opened the door of the car and jumped out, as the car smashed into the wall causing a large, fiery explosion. The police cars began swerving around to avoid the crash. In all the chaos, Cream ran away. "Another day, coppers... Another day..."

_-END FLASHBACK-_

(A.N. …it went something like that. And you thought you knew Cream… anyway, back to the story.)

Cream pulled out a screwdriver and proceeded to open a panel on the back of Omachao who, apparently, was too caught up in describing all the ways he could kill Sonic to really notice. (I believe he was up to 'death by sandwich press'.) The opened panel revealed dozens of wires and circuits. Cream began rewiring wire after wire and after about 15 second she screwed the panel back on and gave Sonic a thumbs up. And just like that, she disappeared. "Thanks a lot, Cream." Sonic whispered to himself.

"…then I could dip you in a deep-fat fryer… that'd be a good one… but anyway, PREPARE TO DIE!" Omachao pointed his blaster arms towards Sonic. "FIRE MISSILES!" -BEEP- Omachao's jet pack suddenly turned on. "Well that's not good." The jetpropelled the shocked bot into the stratosphere. He skyrocketed upwards in a flash of blue and orange, yelling out, "I knew I shouldn't have used Windoooooooooooooooooooooows!" -KABOOM- (for lack of better onomatopoeia). Omachao exploded into thousands of teeny-tiny bite-sized pieces while still ascending into space. Sonic knew that somewhere Cream was watching the explosion and sticking her tongue out at what was left of Omachao's body.

"Great job!" Sonic recognized that voice, and turned around to see Tails standing about a foot away from him.

"Where… did YOU come from?"

"I dunno." Tails smiled. Knuckles shook his head.

"They must have killed the other Tails. Too bad the new one isn't any smarter."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"No, you said something about another Tails! And killing! WHAT HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TELLING ME?"

"Hey Tails, there's some candy behind you."

"Where?" -CLONK- Sonic held Amy's hammer in his hands, and was now standing over an unconscious pile of fluff. Amy walked over and very politely whacked Sonic on the head and took her hammer back.

"Okay, that's settled. One robot down, a bunch more to go. What do we do now?"

"Don't worry, I've got another plan. Huddle!" The furry group huddled and Sonic began whispering as the evil robo group drew closer. The group stood back up and faced the bots. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

"I'm ready."

"Let's go."

"Tequila!"

"Good. Now countdown from three! Three…" The robots came closer. "Two…" the robots took a few more steps toward our fuzzy heroes. "One…" Sonic looked at his comrades and winked. "RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" The group dashed away from the robots like cheetahs on caffeine. The robots looked at each other.

"Wow. Those guys were wusses."

"Yeah."

"So… wanna terrorize some cats?"

"Yeah, okay." The robots that could walk walked away. The others rolled, flew and jumped away. All that was left was the turret-chicken and the still unconscious pile of orange fluff. The turret-chicken was becoming irritable.

"You know, if I could move on my own I would SO be hurting you right now."

* * *

Riveting stuff. Coming soon in episode VII-Yet ANOTHER familiar face comes into play. Can Sonic get the truth out of this one? Or will they just wind up at another Mexican restaurant? Only one person knows. I wonder who it'll be this time… Episode VII-Logik Of The Ffuzzier Kind 


	7. Logik Of The Ffuzzier Kind

Death Bologna

* * *

-It's not DAT claimer, it's DISCLAIMER!- (I should be shot for writing that.) 

I do not own Sonic, Sonic Team, Sega, Disney, Final Fantasy,MC Hammer, or any kind of chunky peanut butter. I do own Twiggy's character, though, and that's something anyone could be proud of!

* * *

Episode VII-Logik Of The Ffuzzier Kind 

"Move it!" Several robots moved in formation under the order of… Sir Ffuzzy Logik. (Dum dum duuuuuuuuum! By the way, that's not a typo. His name is spelled like that. Seriously, play Mean Bean Machine.) "Come on! This way!" Ffuzzy Logik led the robots to the front of a large office building. "Robots, destroy!" The robots (which were all Mech Hunters shuttled in from FFX) began blasting away at the building until it was nothing but a pile of debris. "Excellent. Next!" They moved to the next building and blasted in down to nothing like the last one. After a few more building, Ffuzzy got a call…

"Building destroyed, sir." (Yes, I know the Mechs don't talk in FFX. I guess they… got voice chips, or something. Stop asking questions!)

"Excellent! Now move…" Sir Ffuzzy Logik stopped moving. His head began vibrating and then started to spin around. Then, a ringing sound, not unlike that of a telephone, came out of his head. He then proceeded to have a conversation with himself. To be honest, at this point he looked like a lunatic.

"Um… sir? Are you okay?"

"Shut up! I'm taking a call. _Will you accept a collect call from a Mr. '**I'm not giving my name to a machine!**'? _Yes. _Hold, please………………**moron! **_Yes, Dr. Robotnik? **_I have a new assignment for you! Return to base immediately! _**Yes, sir." Ffuzzy looked at the mechs, which were pretending to inspect some rocks. "I must go. Stay here." Ffuzzy began walking away. "Man, those calls are really interfering with my circuitry. Honestly, I'm beginning to… _I'm only thwee-and-a-half yeaws old! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!_" Everyone was silent for a few seconds.

"Those are some nice rocks."

"Yes. Let's inspect them."

"Oh, shut up. Just don't set each other on fire while I'm gone." Ffuzzy turned around and glared at a single mech by the name of YKT-277 who'd just put a lighter and some lighter fluid behind its back and was pretending to inspect some rocks. Ffuzzy then turned to the robot standing next to YKT-277, named YKT-416, who was dripping with lighter fluid and holding up a sign that said 'help me'. Ffuzzy slapped his forehead and walked out of the city. "I swear, those robots are driving me crazy. I… _I wish I was in Dixie, hooray! Hooray! I wish I was in Dixieland to…_" The mechs all watched Sir Ffuzzy Logik as he moved towards the woods surrounding Station Square, singing various folk songs as he walked.

"Well… now that he's gone, what do we do?"

"LET'S SET STUFF ON FIRE! WAHAHEHOOHA!"

"Okay, you're not allowed to think of ideas anymore."

"Oh…"

"So… wanna look at caterpillars?"

"Sure." The mechs gathered around a fuzzy little green caterpillar.

"Hey there little fella! How you do…" -CHOMP- "AHHHHHHHH!" The caterpillar bit off the mech's arm like it was a pretzel stick. The caterpillar then turned to the other mechs and smiled.

"Come to papa!"

"Holy crap it talks!"

"Of course I talk! Now come over here so I may munch upon you!"

"Run awaaaaaaay!"

(A.N. Thin 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' reference.)

-Meanwhile, outside Eggman's headquarters-

Ffuzzy walked up to the giant metal door which led into Eggman's base. To the side was a video intercom. Ffuzzy pushed the button on the intercom, and Robotnik's face came up. "_What do you want?"_

"Um… you told me to come back to base, sir."

"_What? Oh right, yes. I did."_

"So… what do you want me to do?"

"_I forget. Go away."_

"What! But I came all the way from Station Square to…"

"_I said go away!" _Robotnik turned the intercom off. Ffuzzy angrily pressed the intercom button.

"Don't just send me away like this!"

"_I said go away! Leave now or I will give you the 'scrunch treatment'!"_

"What's the 'scrunch treatment'?" Ffuzzy looked up to see that a giant hammer had appeared over him, protruding from the wall. "Oh… oh crap. This is… oh crap." -SCRUNCH-

"_Heehee! That was fun! If he comes back again I'll give him the 'wobble wobble wobble wobble smack slip zip-a-dee-doo-dah hamster splat treatment'!"_

-Meanwhile, back in Station Square, Sonic and friends are still running-

Sonic was beginning to get out of breath. "Must… escape… robots… oh… man… I'm… gonna… die… stop for a sec." The group stopped in front of the giant TV screen (which was, amazingly, still fully intact) and looked around to realize that there wasn't a mech, droid, or bot of any kind in sight. "I… guess… we… lost 'em… jeez…"

"Hey, look!" Rouge pointed to the giant screen, which had suddenly turned on to show a familiar yet ugly face made uglier by the fact that it was now in gigantic proportions. "Eggman?"

"_**Yes! It is I, the great Eggman! Now I know what you're trying to do, and believe me, it won't work! No one can stop me! Nice job whipping the crap out of Omachao, though."**_

"Thanks. And you're wrong, Eggman! I'll defeat you no matter what!"

"_**Your perseverance amuses me. Don't worry, Sonic. Soon enough you will know the error of your ways! Soon every man woman and child will…"**_

"A-HEM!"

"…_**and HEDGEHOG will know and fear the name of Dr. Ivo Robotnik! MUWAHAHOOHAHA! MUWAHAHOOHAHA!"**_

"Ivo? Your first name's… Ivo?"

"_**Yes…"**_

Everyone was silent. For about 3 seconds. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOUR FIRST NAME'S IVO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"THAT IS THE STUPIDEST NAME I'VE EVER HEARD! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"_**SHUT UP!"**_

"HAHAHA! WHAT'S YOUR MOM'S NAME? VORMA? HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"**_I SAID SHUT UP OR I'LL…"_** The screen went to static, interrupting the now boiling Eggman. (Hehe… punny…) A few seconds later, another face came up on the screen.

"_Hi, evwybody!"_

Everybody yelled at once. "TWIGGY! TWIGGY?"

"How… how the crap did you get there?"

"_Well, I was on the woof of my house testing out the bounciness of tuwtles, when…"_

"NEVER MIND! Honestly, Sonic. Are you SURE you're related to him?"

"I'm hoping he was adopted."

"_Hey cool! Look at all the mechs behind you! Wadical!" _The group turned around to see that they were cornered by Mech Leaders. (Also from FFX).

"Crap!"

"Nuts!"

"Not good!"

"_Vaseline!"_

-Meanwhile, back in ANOTHER part of Station Square, Sir Ffuzzy Logik returns to his mech troops-

"Hey! I'm back! I'm… WHAT THE…?" Ffuzzy looked around to see mechs on the ground everywhere, missing arms, legs, and heads. In the center of it all was the caterpillar. Ffuzzy saw the caterpillar and gasped. "You!" The caterpillar looked up.

"We meet again!"

"Charlie Snapdragon McKnucklety IV. I should have known."

"It has been a while, eh?"

"I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!"

_-FLASHBACK-_

"NO, NO FLASHBACK! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!"

_-CANCEL FLASHBACK-_

"Simple story. We were childhood friends. I bit him. He flushed me down the toilet. I mutated into a killer caterpillar. End of story."

"Yeah, that's pretty much it."

"Yeah."

"So… wanna terrorize some cats?"

"Sure. But first, there is something I must do."

"What's that? AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" -SQUISH- Ffuzzy stomped on Charlie like he was a Blue Trinity Mark.

(A.N. Kingdom Hearts reference.)

"That's for biting me! Eat it, Charlie!" He began dancing like MC Hammer. "Can't touch this! Huh? Huh? Can't touch this! Stop! Ffuzzy time!" Ffuzzy stopped dancing and turned around to see Sonic and friends staring at him. "Wha… how'd you get here!"

"That's a very good question. I mean, a minute ago we were miles away and trapped by robots. Logically this doesn't make any sense at all. Oh, and by the way… BANZAI!" Sonic any the others jumped on top of Ffuzzy and pinned him down. Sonic calmly got up as the others held Sir Ffuzzy Logik's arms and legs to the ground. "Now I'd like you to tell me where Robotnik's base is."

"I'll never talk! Torture me! Kill me! I'm sworn to secrecy!"

"Oh, we have ways of making you talk. Tails!" Tails suddenly appeared behind Ffuzzy.

"How did YOU get here? The last time I checked, you were an unconscious pile of fluff!"

"I know. Doesn't make any sense whatsoever." Sonic walked over and patted Tails on the back.

"Now are you going to spill the beans, or do you need a little… persuasion?"

"I said I would never talk!"

"Okay. Fine. Say, Tails, how about you sing us a little tune?"

"Okey-dokey!"

"No, not that!" Tails began singing.

"It's a world of laughter, a world of tears…"

"OH GOD, NO!"

"It's a world of hopes and a world of fears…"

"PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"

"There's so much that we share that it's time we're aware…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"**IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!"**

"OKAY, I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK! JUST MAKE IT STOP!"

"Okay, punk. So where is Eggman's base?"

"Coordinates North 65, East 11! Past the big tree! Big metal door! Can't miss it!"

"Good… good… but just to be sure, we'd better take out some insurance. Knuxie-Poo, gimme a screwdriver." Knuckles threw a screwdriver at Sonic, which just barely missed his head. "Thanks." Sonic turned Ffuzzy over and used the screwdriver to open a panel in the middle of Ffuzzy's back. He then proceeded to put a microchip into Ffuzzy's back and screw the panel back on.

"What… what did you just put into me?"

"Just some insurance. I told you." Sonic took out a remote wit a big red button on it. "You see, if you give me the wrong directions, all I have to do is press this button…" Sonic pushed the big red button, and Ffuzzy started singing.

"**IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL, IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL…"** Sonic pushed the button again and Ffuzzy stopped singing and fell onto his knees. "DON'T DO THAT! The horror… the horror…" Sonic and the rest of the furry ones began walking away.

"See ya later, fuzz-brain!"

"BITE ME, YOU LITTLE… **IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL, IT'S A SMALL, SMALL WORLD!"**

"Come on, guys. To Eggman's base we go! Eggman, prepare to be defeated! Let's go!" Sonic and friends ran away, leaving a deranged screaming Ffuzzy on the ground.

"THAT SONG'S STUCK IN MY HEAD NOW! THANK YOU SO VERY FREAKIN' MUCH!"

* * *

Whoa! Didn't see THAT one coming. Coming soon in episode VIII-Sonic and the gang must travel to Eggman's base in a perilous quest which could only be matched by… well… Peter Jackson, several million dollars, and 12 hours of movies. But I don't have that. So… you get THIS instead! Episode VIII-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part One 


	8. The Furryship Of The Rings, Part One

Death Bologna

* * *

Whoo! Long time since the last update. Mostly due to a combination of vacationing and laziness. But I'm back! And I'm bad! Obviously within certain sensible preset parameters. (Red Dwarf reference.) Enjoy!

* * *

-D to the I to the S to the C to the L… oh, screw it. DISCLAIMER- 

I don't own Sonic, Sonic Team, Sega, American Idol, Disney, or the Lord of the Rings. If I did, you'd have to pay $39.95 just to read this. Think about that.

* * *

Episode VIII-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part One 

Upon exiting Station Square, the group followed Ffuzzy's coordinates to Eggman's base. For the first time, everything felt all well and good to Sonic. They were on the right track, and they knew they were going to thwack Eggman. Everything was up. At least, until...

"…a small world after all, it's a small, small world! It's a small world…"

"Okay, you know what, Tails, if you sing ONE MORE NOTE of that infernal song I will personally remove your kidneys and play badmintonwith them!"

"But… I'm not singing, Sonic."

"…it's a small world after all…"

"Well, if you're not singing…" Sonic turned around to see Shadow in the back singing like an American Idol reject. "SHADOW?"

"…a small world after all… what? It's stuck in my head!" Shadow took a step towards Sonic with each following word. "DO… YOU… HAVE… A… PROBLEM… WITH… THAT!" Shadow was now standing three inches away from Sonic and staring at him so intensely that Sonic thought his head would spontaneously combust. Sonic weakly shook his head. "Good." Shadow continued singing and Sonic continued walking forward until…

"Hey guys." Before the party stood a grey hedgehog with baggy jeans and dreadlocks wielding a large katana. Knuckles immediately pushed his way forward towards the new hedgehog.

"Atomsk? Is that… you?"

"Should be."

"Wait, wait. You know this guy, Knuckles?"

"Yeah, I went to Samurai School with him."

"You went to Samurai School?"

"Yeah, for 5 days before I was expelled for beating the teacher senseless with a giant ham."

"I like ham!"

"Good for you, Tails."

"Ham tastes good!"

"Once again, good for you."

"It's hamtastic!"

"Shut up Tails. Sooooo… what'cha been up to? How'd you get here?"

"Well, I was assassinating the president of… I mean, I was on vacation, when I saw Robotnik's little 'advertisement'. I decided I had to do something about it."

"See, Sonic? He's on our side." Knuckles turned to Sonic, who walked towards Atomsk and stopped in front of him, glaring intensely. Atomsk turned around, facing away from Sonic.

"You know, I don't HAVE to be on your side." He quickly pulled out his katana and made a quick swing towards a palm tree, slicing it clean into two pieces, one of which fell onto Tails. Sonic's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. Sonic then smiled.

"Welcome to Team Sonic!"

"I thought so."

"So back to the point, how'd you get here anyway?"

"A short robot living in a castle told me to meet you guys here." Everybody stopped moving.

"Did this robot happen to have a coonskin hat and an IQ of about 10?"

"Yeah, actually."

"Motherfu-"

"KNUCKLES!"

"Sorry."

"LOOK!" Everyone turned around as another figure came into view. It was a tall, dark brown echidna with robotic arms and legs, a tribal mask, and a blowgun in one hand.

"What the crippity-crap…" The new creature stepped forward and began dancing and screaming.

"AAH! AAH! EEH! EEH! BOOBITABOOBITA!" -PHOOTPHOOTPHOOTPHOOT- Each member of Team Sonic now had a blowdart in his or her neck and was on the ground unconscious. The last thing Sonic remembered in his wooziness was Tails' voice singing 'I'm A Little Teapot'.

"I swear, Tails… one of these days… I will staple your mouth shut… with a… nail gun… -yawn-." Sonic drifted into a deep and semi-peaceful sleep which lasted several days. When he and his friends awoke, it was not the world they remembered…

It was something else…

Something new…

Something unknown…

Something… kinda, weird… I guess…

(A.N. It was at this point that my writer's block faded away.)

When Sonic awoke, it was to several unknown voices in an unknown place.

"_Is he dead?"_

"_Nah, I think he's just drunk."_

"_Wait… what IS he, anyway?"_

"_I thought he was a badger when they brought 'em in."_

"_A blue badger?"_

"_Are you sure he's not a hobbit? Like, a really, REALLY deformed hobbit?"_

"_Criminy! He's not even wearing pants!"_

"Where… where am I?"

"_Hey, it talks!"_

"_Does that mean we can't eat him?"_

"_No, we can't. Why don't you go introduce yourself?"_ Sonic opened his eyes and saw a tall, gruff, bearded man staring down at him. "Hi there! I'm Mr. Flemeny! Who are you?"

"I'm… I'm Sonic. Where am I?"

"Well, you're in the Shire, of course!"

"The Shire? Well… what…" Sonic sat up and grabbed his head. "Never mind." He looked around. What he saw was the interior of an old wooden house, peppered with antiquities of all sorts, and not a speck of technology in sight. The four people who surrounded him were a father and mother, named Chumba and Wumba, and two children, a girl and a boy by the names of Frumba and Jerfliggety, respectively. (Whatever happened to 'Billy'?) Sonic closed his eyes. "I really hope I overdosed on antidepressants and this is just a hallucination. STOP POKING ME!" The four people quickly ceased.

"Sorry. We don't get many of your type around here."

"No, no. it's okay. Wait a minute…" Sonic got up and began looking around. "Are my friends here?"

"Oddly enough, there were quite a few of your type around here. Let's see… there was an orange one, a pink one with an attitude, a black and red one with a bigger attitude, a white and purple one with a butt-load of attitude, a red one with an attitude that could set you on fire, and a grey one that actually set someone on fire." Sonic's spirit quickly grew.

"Really? Great!"

"Oh, and there was also this brownish one that kept talking about dry-cleaning his penguin or something like that."

"God help us all. So, where are they?" Chumba squinted as if in deep thought. (Yeah right.) He then walked over to the kitchen, where he pulled out a meat tenderizer and began whacking himself on the head. After about 6 or 7 hits, he was on the floor mumbling 'happy happy cake' over and over.

"Sorry about that. Chumba's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, IF you know what I mean."

"I know what you mean." A certain robot popped into Sonic's head. Chumba suddenly sat straight up.

"I LIKE PIE!" Chumba fell back to the ground and resumed chanting 'happy happy cake'.

"Once again, sorry. Now if you're looking for your friends, they should be at the Town Center. Simply go out that door and head left down that road, past the tree where crazy old Mr. Krispyheimer lives, then turn right at the Cavern of Dead Chipmunks, and keep going until you see the 'Jim's Orangutan and Rutabaga Emporium' sign. The Town Center is just north of there."

"Uh… thanks." Sonic opened the circular wooden door, stepped outside, and turned around. "Well, thanks for your…" Sonic glanced at Chumba's 'happy cake' chant. "…hospitality. Unfortunately, I must be going, because I SAID STOP POKING ME!" Wumba immediately put her hands behind her back. "Goodbye." Sonic turned and ran off into the distance. Wumba closed the door and grabbed a large wooden stick and headed towards the kitchen.

"Oh CHUM-by! Time for your medicine!"

"HAPPY CAKE!" -WHACK- "HAPPY CAKE!" -WHACK- "HAPPY CAAAAAAAAAKE!" -WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK- "Owie…" -THUNK- -snore-.

"That's better. KIDS! HELP ME DRAG YOUR UNCONSCIOUS FATHER ONTO THE COUCH!"

-Meanwhile, past Jim's Orangutan and Rutabaga Emporium (where right now they have a wonderful 2-for-1 special going on) Sonic races towards his friends-

Sonic ran with whatever energy he had left. The thought of his friends (and Twiggy) being stuck in the same place as him gave him a newfound hope. As Sonic entered what he assumed was the Town Center, he came to a startling realization.

"This place seems very familiar for some reason. It's like I've read about it in a book or something. Maybe this is that Canada place I've heard so much about." Sonic wandered around for a minute then stood still. "There's… nobody here. There's nobody here! Those Chumbity-Wumbities lied to me! There's nothing here but… but… TURNIPS!"

"Um, sir? That's because you're in front of a turnip stand. The Town Center is down there." Sonic's face went from blue to purple.

"Oh. Oh I see. Hehe… bye!" Sonic quickly dashed away.

"WAIT! SIR! WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN PURCHASING A TURNIP ON A STICK? IT'S TURNIP-Y FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY! Ah, forget it. They never buy the turnip on a stick. They're always at Big Bob's chocolate-covered asparagus stand. Well, NUTS TO YOU, BIG BOB!"

-At the -cough- REAL Town Center-

Sonic sped his way down the plain dirt road until he reached a grass-covered valley. Scattered across the valley were tents and tables, and on one side stood a giant stage. What Sonic also noticed was that there were people. Lots of people. Lots of dancing people. Lots of stupid-looking dancing people. It was apparent to Sonic that a great celebration was taking place.

"Wow. I guess this is the right place. What the…" Off in the corner, Sonic noticed a group of people who looked strangely more colorful that the rest of the village. A wide smile came across Sonic's face. He dashed off to see them.

"Guys! Guys! I'm here! I'm here!" Sonic rushed so fast he apparently didn't realize that he knocked three people into the 'bobbing for chickens' tank. "Guys! Guys! It's me, Sonic!" Seven faces turned around.

"Who the !#$& are you?"

"What? Oops! Wrong group." Sonic ran a bit further. "Guys! Guys! It's me! Sonic! Yay me!" Seven -cough- OTHER faces turned around.

"Sonic? Sonic! It's Sonic!" Amy rushed over and hugged Sonic. Tails joined in the hug, followed by Rouge, Knuckles, Twiggy,and some guy named Jibbity. Everyone turned to look at Atomsk, who was looking green.

"Never in a million years."

"Suit yourself." As the group of huggers dissipated (mostly due to Sonic screaming in agony) Sonic noticed that Shadow was now wearing a brown robe. Sonic walked over to Shadow and tapped him on the shoulder. "Shadow? Are you okay?"

"Shadow? Who is this… 'Shadow' character?"

"You are. You're Shadow, remember?"

"I am not this 'Shadow'! I am Shandolf, the Black!"

"And I'm Tubby the Mouseketeer. Cut the crap Shadow."

"What is this 'crap' you speak of? And why on EARTH would I want to cut it?"

"Um… uh…" Sonic was at a loss for words for a second or two. He then suddenly smiled. "Say there, -cough- Shandolf, what is that thing behind you?" Shadow turned around.

"That is a tree. It is a large plant which grows from the ground. It comes in many varieties, many shapes, sizes, colors…" As 'Shandolf' rambled about trees, Sonic walked over to the rest of the group.

"Well, Shadow's off the deep end again."

"Yep."

"Mm hmm."

"Yeah."

"You got that wight!"

"Go away Twiggy."

"But I…"

"GO AWAY TWIGGY!" Twiggy stomped off.

"Thank you."

"So… what are we supposed to do?" Everyone was silent for a few seconds. Knuckles then proceeded to pull out an electric guitar.

"I say we party!" Knuckles walked over to the group of musicians taking up the right half of the stage. The band consisted of four fat people playing various stringed instruments. "'Scuse me, boys." Knuckles jumped up onto the stage and pushed the other musicians off onto the grass. Sonic and the others watched from afar as Knuckes began to play.

"Is he doing what I think he's doing?"

"Yes. Yes he is." Knuckles began singing.

"1, 2, 3, 4! MEAT AND TATERS! MEAT AND TATERS! I LIKE EATIN' MEAT AND TATERS! MEAT AND TATERS! MEAT AND TATERS! I LIKE EATIN' MEAT AND TATERS! DANCE BREAK!" Knuckles moonwalked across the stage and then started spinning on his head. Sonic slapped his forehead.

"Well, it coulda been worse." Knuckles then began bashing the guitar on the stage. "Spoke too soon." Knuckles kept pounding away, even though he wasn't making a dent in the guitar. He eventually got angry and just threw the guitar into the audience, knocking three old ladies unconscious. "Once again, spoke too soon."

-Later on in the evening-

A small old man walked up upon the stage, apparently ready for a speech. Sonic was informed that it was the old man's 111'th birthday from the group of people who beat the everlasting crap out of Knuckles for whacking the three old ladies with the guitar. This all sounded oddly familiar to Sonic. In fact, everything that he'd seen since waking up, everything that happened, felt like a big case of déjà vu. "What is going on?"

"Hey there, Son-Son. Where's Knuc-Knuc?" In the short time of being in Team Sonic, Atomsk had already attached to an annoying habit.

"I think he's over there." Sonic noticed something glimmering in Atomsk's hand. "Hey, what's that?" Atomsk held out his hand to reveal a shiny gold ring.

"Nice, eh? Picked the pocket of this old guy to get it."

"Yes, it's quite nice. Wait a second…" Sonic stared intensely at the ring. Sonic then thought for a second. Sonic's jaw then dropped to the ground. "Oh… my… just out of -gulp- curiosity, who was this old man?"

"Some guy named Dilbo Dagwood or something. Why?" Sonic's jaw dropped further.

"I… know… where we are."

"Okay, good. So, where are we? Is it that Canada place I've heard so much about?"

"No, no…"

"So, where are we?"

"We're in… the Lord of the Rings!" Atomsk's eyes opened wider than dinner plates.

"Whoa!" He looked down at the ring in his hand. "WHOA!" Sonic and Atomsk turned to the stage, jaws wide open, where the old man was starting his speech.

-A few minutes of speech later-

The old man continued talking, becoming increasingly solemn. Eventually, he put his hand in his pocket. "I'll be going now. What the…" He turned out his pockets to reveal that they were empty. Atomsk threw the ring in the air and caught it.

"Sucks to be him." The old man looked around frantically.

"Um… uh…" He pointed towards the back of the audience. "Hey, everybody! What's that?" Everyone in the Town Center turned around and shouted "Where?". The old man ran off the stage and into the woods surrounding the area, cackling to himself. Shadow was still explaining what a tree was. After about ten seconds, one of the villagers turned back around.

"Hey! Bilbo's buggered off!"

"What do we do now?" Everyone was silent.

"Let's get him!" The people all shouted with approval as they ran out of the Town Center. Sonic rejoined with the rest of his furry friends, who were the only ones not rampaging after Bilbo.

"Well guys, I've discovered where we are."

Everyone spoke at once. "Canada?"

"No. We're in the Lord of the Rings."

Once again, everyone spoke at once. "Get the fudge out!"

"He's not lying. Look." Atomsk held out his hand. Everyone stared at the gold ring resting in his palm.

Again, everyone spoke at once. "HOLY SHIGGITY-DIGGITY!"

"Oooooooookay… THAT was creepy…"

"So what are we supposed to do?"

"I dunno."

"I say we go along with the whole LOTR story. You know, take the ring to the fire of Mt. Doom, drop it in, watch it melt."

"I say we party!"

"Maybe Sonic's right. If we finish the story we might get out of here."

"Are you SURE we're not in Canada?"

"MEAT AND TATERS! MEAT AND TATERS! I LIKE EATIN' MEAT AND TATERS!"

"I say we go with Sonic and finish the story. Who's with me?"

"I'll go."

"I'm in."

"Me too."

"MEAT AND TATERS!"

"Shut up, Knuckles."

"Bite me, Sonic."

"Wight on!"

"Go jump in a lake, Twiggy."

"Okee-dokee!" Twiggy ran away and leapt into the nearby lake. No one seemed too phased.

"You know, I always wondered what would happen if someone actually listened to you, Knuckles."

"You know, I'm about THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS close to ripping out your…"

"Whavever. Okay, so everybody's in?" Everyone nodded. "Good. Let's get out of here. Let's finish this the way it was meant to be finished."

"With parsley?"

"No, Tails."

"How about oregano?"

"Cram it Tails. Let's go! Eggman, here I come!" And with that, the gang left in search of Mt. Doom, except for Shadow, who was still giving the definition of a tree, and Twiggy, who was floating in the middle of the lake humming 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' to himself.

* * *

Riveting stuff! RIVETING, RIVETING, RIVETING! Coming soon in episode IX-The perilous quest continues as Sonic and friends travel the road once traveled by… someone else. Action will ensue! Most definitely! Maybe! Possibly! I think so! Episode IX-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Two 


	9. The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Two

Death Bologna

* * *

Your waiting will be rewarded... with a new car! Just kidding. A loooooong and fun-filled chapter awaits. Enjoy!

* * *

-New 'Disclaimer Plus'! With the freshening scent of lemon!- 

I don't own Sonic, Sonic Team, Sega, the -cough- song, Everybody Loves Raymond, Band-Aids, any brand of gum, Spongebob Squarepants, Dr. Scholl's, or LOTR. It's unbelievable, I know! I should be filthy stinkin' rich! But I'm not! I'm filthy stinkin' poor! And I think I have a rash! You probably didn't need to know that! Let's just get to the story!

* * *

Episode IX-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Two 

Sonic and his team ran through the woods surrounding the Shire. Eventually, they made it to what looked like a farm, and were halted by a crazy old man wielding a scythe.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" The old man dropped the scythe.

"Oops. Sorry to scare you guys. You wouldn't believe how many corn rustlers there are around here."

"Riiiiiiiight. So, can you direct us to Mt. Doom?" The old man gasped and jumped back.

"MT. DOOM!"

"Yes…"

"Y'all don't wanna be goin' to that there volcano-y place up there in that there thingamajigger."

"That sounded creepily familiar…"

"I swear! Don't be goin' there! It's baaaaaaad stuff! Baaaaaaaad stuff I tell ya!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiight… let's go, guys." Team Sonic rushed away like a speeding bullet stuck in the butt of a cheetah running away from a horde of genetically engineered aard-monkeys. (Did that make any sense?) Luckily, the old (and I'm assuming senile) man was unable to fully catch up to Team Sonic. He did grab Tails and drag him away, but otherwise a flawless escape. For a time, things went smoothly. But then…

"Let me see that thong, that thong th-thong thong thong…"

"Wow. 12 minutes before Tails starts singing an annoying song. That a new record."

(A.N. No disrespect to Sisqo, who I know could have me killed if he felt like it.)

"Tails, stop singing. I hear something."

"But it's so catchy, you know? 'Thong thong th-thong thong thongity thong…'"

"I said be quiet!" Sonic listened intensely for some time. His eyes then opened wide. "Everybody hide!"

"What?"

"Why?"

"What's coming?"

"Thong?"

"Shut up!" Sonic grabbed Knuckles, who in turn grabbed Rouge, who in turn grabbed Amy, who in turn grabbed Tails, who in turn grabbed a mutated mushroom, which in turn grabbed Atomsk. Sonic dragged the group into a ditch under a large tree root. Sonic peeked up over the root and saw what he was fearing. He quickly ducked back down under the root.

"What is it? Demons? Aliens? Canadians? That tall guy from Everybody Loves Raymond?"

"Worse."

"WORSE than the tall guy from Everybody Loves Raymond?"

"Much… MUCH worse." Above Sonic and friends stood the The Ring Wraith. Clad in black robes with breath that could raise the dead, they moved slowly around the tree, scaring the everlasting crap out of Team Sonic.

(A.N. Since these creatures don't actually 'talk', subtitles will be provided for the next bit of dialogue.)

"GRRARGHHAGHGAHRGREHARG."

(Translation: The Ring Bearer must be around here somewhere. I sense it.)

"GHHHRHR -sniff- GRGRGRGEHE DR. SCHOLLS HEHAAGRARG. ARGRGA."

(Translation: All I sense is -sniff- manure, tacos, and Dr. Scholl's foot powder. And ham.)

"AERHAE. AARRGGRGAGHHAGRGRGRHHAHAG."

(Translation: Ah, crap. Oh well, I guess we might as well look somewhere else.)

"AHRGGRGHDHEAHAGHAAREHGRGARAEEHRGWRAEAEARAEARAEGGRHGEGEAAEARREEHHRRGRGAARAERAERHGRHEGRAERARARARABGRHRHEGGAGAARARARGEGEGEHHAHAHAGGEERHGREGHERGARARAGERHRGEHGEERRARA."

(Translation: Okay.)

The black demons left, and Sonic breathed a sigh of relief. No one said anything for about a minute. Eventually Tails and Atomsk, who seemed to be sharing brainwaves at the time, blurted out what everyone else was thinking.

"WHAT THE FLIPPITY-FLOPPITY WERE THOSE?"

"Bad things. I'm not 100 sure myself."

"But I thought you knew all about Lord Of The Rings!"

"Well, I know the basic premise. I mean I do own Lord Of The Rings. I just haven't paid that much attention."

"Wait, do you own the movie or the book?"

"They made a book about it?"

"Oh dear…"

"Okay, listen. What does it matter? I mean, I know where we're supposed to go, I know what we're supposed to do, so, no problems, right?"

"Aaaaaaaaaand if we're screwed and we know it clap your hands…" -clap--clap- "If we're screwed and we know it clap your hands…" -clap--clap-

"Okay, I get the point. Let me put it this way: what other choice do we have? Huh? We've got to get out of here as fast as we can. Who knows what plan Eggman is hatching (no pun intended) at this very second?"

-At Eggman's base-

-click- "_Today in the news…_" -click- "_Car 12 is three seconds ahead…_" -click- "_Like sands in the hourglass, so are the days of…_" -CLICK- _"…and now, back to **'Celebrity Pudding Wrestling'**!_"

"Eeeeeeeexcellent…"

-Back with Sonic (not a moment too soon)-

Everyone looked around in silence. Sonic did speak the truth. Sonic's knowledge of LOTR, though minimal, was still greater than that of any of the others. He was their only hope. Amy stepped forward.

"I say we go with Sonic." Sonic was as surprised as everyone else. "If my Shmoopsie says it's the right thing to do, it's the right thing to do."

"Well, I guess so. I mean she DID use the word 'shmoopsie'."

"All right. Let's keep going."

"Yeah!" They ran away once again.

-Later on at night-

Sonic and friends had come upon a huge door which apparently led into a sort of small 'hideaway' town. Built into the door was a large square peephole through which Sonic could see two eyes.

"Whaddaya want?"

"Um, me and my friends are just looking for somewhere to spend the night."

"Really? Well, my bed is off limits."

"What? No! I meant, like, an inn or something."

"Oh… oh, right. Yeah, okay. Come on in." The doors opened and Team Sonic stepped into the small town. The small eyes, by the way, belonged to a 4-foot-tall old man clad in a suit made out of lettuce. The cobblestone pathways were lined with small houses and shops. Eventually, they came across a sign for 'The Pratfalling Pony Inn'. They stepped inside and walked to the counter where a man of 7 or 8 feet was staring at them.

"HI!"

"Hi there. We'd like a room for the night."

"I'M BOB!"

"Okay… hi, Bob. So, we'd like a room…"

"I LIKE CHEESE!"

"That wonderful. So can we…"

"DO YOU LIKE CHEESE?"

"Cheese is okay. Now could we please get a room?"

"I'M BOB!"

"Riiiiiiight… say, Bob, shouldn't you be at home watching Spongebob Squarepants?"

"CHEEEEEEEESE!" Another man came to the counter.

"Bob! What are you doing out of your cage? And why are you wearing lipstick and mascara?"

"I'M BOB!"

"Get back in your cage! You've already lost your food privileges, do you want to lose your air and gravity privileges too? Now get!" The man pushed Bob into a back room. "I'm sorry about that. Now what can I do for you…" He glanced at Sonic and his friends. "…people?"

"We need a room for the night."

"Okay. We only have one room, and there are only 3 beds, so two people need to sleep in each bed." Amy immediately smiled and looked at Sonic. Rouge also smiled and looked at Knuckles. Tails and Atomsk looked at each other, and shared looks of utter disgust.

"Thanks… I guess." Sonic and the gang began walking upstairs. Atomsk suddenly stood still. "What is it?"

"I lost the ring."

"WHAT?" Sonic jumped down the stairs and began frantically searching the floor. After about ten minutes, he found it. "Oh, hallelujah! I found it!"

"Good for you, Sonic!"

"You know, this thing looks pretty cool. I wonder what it would… look like on me…" Sonic stared at the ring deeply. The others looked slightly worried.

"Sonic? Are you… okay?" Sonic stood motionless.

"My… my precious…"

"Sonic!" Sonic looked slowly up.

"Psych! Got you!"

"Sonic! You got me all worried for nothing! Mr. Whack Whack doesn't like that." Amy held up her hammer.

"PUT AWAY MR. WHACK WHACK! PUT AWAY MR. WHACK WHACK!"

"Oh, Mr. Whack Whack isn't going away. Come heeeeeeere, Sonic!" Amy ran towards Sonic, hammer over head. Sonic immediately ran away. The rest of Team Sonic enjoyed the show.

"DON'T HIT ME!" Amy swung towards Sonic and missed, crushing a table. "I'M FRAGILE!" Once again, swing and a miss. "PLEASE! I'M… wait a minute…" Sonic looked at the ring in his hand. Sonic smiled and put the ring on his finger. Sonic disappeared.

"Sonic! You take that ring off and get back here!"

"Now you can't see me! Nya nya nya nya nyaaaa nya! Now you can't… AHHHHHH!" -SQUISH- Sonic was apparently too caught up to realize that Bob was wandering around again, and that he had a tendency to trip over invisible hedgehogs.

"Serves you right. Come on, guys." Amy and the others walked upstairs leaving Sonic stuck between the floor and Bob's bellybutton. "Night, Sonic!"

"Help… me…"

"See you in the mornin', Son-Son!"

"IT SMELLS LIKE CHEESE UNDER HERE! BAAAAAAAAAAD CHEESE!"

"Good niiiiight!"

"BAD CHEESE AND CABBAGE! BAAAAAAAAAAD CHEESE AND BAAAAAAAAAAD CABBAGE! AND FEET! BAD CHEESE AND BAD CABBAGE AND…"

-The next morning-

"…AND CABBAGE, AND FEET, AND CHICKEN MCNUGGETS! **OLD** CHICKEN MCNUGGETS!" As Sonic continued ranting about what Bob smelled like, Amy and the other climbed down the stairs.

"-yawn- Mornin' Sonic."

"AMY? IS THAT YOU? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HAPPY HELP ME OUT!"

"Oh okay. Hey, Bob! There's a chicken outside!" Bob immediately lifted his head.

"CHICKEN?" Bob stood up and jumped through the window. "CHICKEEEEEEEEEN!" As Bob ran off on his chicken chase, Sonic stood up slowly and walked over to Amy.

"That… was not nice. I will now vent my anger in an unreasonable way. TAILS!"

"What, Soni-" -SQUISH- "AHHHH! MY SMALL INTESTINE! OOHHH…" -thunk-

"Well, that was fun."

--INTERMISSION--

--END INTERMISSION--

"So where do we go now?"

"To the one big volcano-y thing."

"And… HOW do we get there?"

"Um… we ask the guy at the counter?" Sonic smiled and walked to the counter. "Excuse me, fine sir."

"What can I do you for?"

"We would like to know how to get to…" Sonic looked at a piece of paper. "More… door?" The innkeeper gasped.

"You wish to go to Canada? Are you insane? Alan Thicke lives up there for cripes' sake!"

"No, no! We need to get to Mordor! And that Mount Doom place! Do you know where Mordor is?"

"Sure I do."

"Well where the flip-dippity is it?"

"5 miles west of Lessdor." A silence filled the air. "3 miles east of Lottador. 12 miles north of Nodoratall. 5 miles southwest of Wishihaddador. 27 miles northeast of Thisisnottador."

"Heaven help us…"

"On the way you should stay at the Dor-Stop..."

"Okay, I get it. KNUCKLES!" Knuckles walked over to Sonic.

"What is it?"

"Was that better or worse than the puns in Mean Bean Machine? Ya know, Davy Sprocket and Humpty's 'Please egg-scuse me,' and all that."

"I'd say worse."

"My sentiments exactly. Innkeep! Come over here." The innkeeper walked over to Sonic. "Walk ten paces that-a-way and bend over." The innkeeper did so with a disturbed look on his face. "FORE!"

"No, that's the FLOOR, actua-" -BOOT- "WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" -CRASH-

"Wow. Right through two stories. Nice one, Sonic."

"A-thank you."

"Yeah! Wight on, Sonic!"

"TWIGGY! Wait, what are you doing on the roof?"

"Well, I was in the Shiwe setting the wutabaga salesman on fiwe, when…" Twiggy stopped talking.

"When what?"

"What? Oh… it's just that you usually shut me up at this time."

"No, please. Continue."

"Okay. So, as the wutabaga guy wan awound scweaming bloody muwdew, I saw a magic wainbow that smelled like bubblegum and doody gas pop out of an oak twee, so I walked ovew and fouw squiwwels came out and stawted singing the theme song to Spongebob Squawepants hip-hop style, and…"

"NEVER MIND! Ay-yi-yi…"

"I always wondered how long Twiggy could talk before causing brain damage to everyone within listening range."

"Come on, let's go." Sonic exited the inn, his eye twitching. The others followed, including a newly reborn Tails, and Twiggy eventually fell through the hole in the roof and landed squarely on Bob, who'd returned to the inn.

"Hi thewe!"

"HI! I'M BOB! YOU FUZZY CHICKEN! COME HERE CHICKEN!"

"Uh-oh."

-Later, on the woods, Sonic and friends are faced with a choice-

Sonic led the gang up a wooded path which ended up at the edge of the woods. At the edge, the road split into three paths, which were marked with a signpost. The sign read 'Right: Caves of Certain Doom, Left: Death-Hazard Mountain, and Straight Ahead: Happy Bunny Forest.'

"Wow. Difficult choice. Come on, guys. Happy Bunny Forest it is."

"You don't want to be doin' that." Sonic turned around quickly. Shadow was standing directly behind him, and the sight of him gave Sonic a bit of a jump.

"Shadow! How'd you get here?"

"I still do not know who this 'Shadow' character is, and I wish you would stop referring to me as him. I am Shandolf, the…"

"Yes I know. Shandolf the Black. So, refresh me. Why would we not want to go into the Happy Bunny Forest again?"

"Why? WHY! I'll tell you exactly why. That forest is evil. PURE evil. Evil so… evil, that the devil himself would shudder at the mention of its name. Do you know what's in there? Within that forest are demons… demons so horrible… so wretched that your soul would shrivel up to nothing but a… SOUL RAISIN if they so much as touched you. You take one step into the Happy Bunny Forest… you'll be lucky to leave with your kidneys." Everyone's jaw was now wide open. Shadow then took out a small box from behind his back. "Here are some Band-Aids. Enjoy your trip." 'Shandolf' walked away, leaving Sonic to contemplate his choice in direction.

"Ah, he can't possibly be telling the truth."

-Later, in the Caves of Certain Doom-

"I can't believe he was telling the truth…"

"Bu… b-bunnies… the b-bunnies… they were… EVERYWHERE!"

"Yes, we know. We all know."

"BUNNIES! HELP! MOMMY!"

"Get a hold of yourself!" -SLAP- "It's alright! We are all alright!" -SLAP- "Stop overreacting!" -SLAPSLAPSLAP- "Just calm down!" -SLAPPITYSLAPPITYSLAPSLAP- "Okay?"

"O-okay."

"Thank you." -SLAP- "Now let's get going. We have a lot of cave to get through." Sonic continued to walk through the silent and lifeless cavern. And, for no apparent reason, Tails began talking in the fourth person.

"The area the group occupied was a great hall, filled with pillars which seemed to go on infinitely in every direction. The ceiling, which was too high to see, loomed over them with an ominous darkness. Tails was uncertain what to make of it, but did not say anything, at risk of having aorta unceremoniously removed via his nose."

"And yet it's STILL not as annoying as 'It's A Small World After All'."

"Wait! What was that!" Everyone stopped moving.

"Team Sonic stood motionless as each member tried to determine the sound which was slowly building up within the cavernous hallway. It sounded like footsteps; Tails could only hope that it was not the sound his own narrative speech that led whatever was following them to their location. He wondered if his talking right then was only further sealing the fate of the group of heroes…"

"TAILS! SHUT THE FLUDGE UP!" Sonic raised his hand. "YOU WANT A FRESH ONE!" Tails was now quivering on the floor. Sonic lowered his hand. "I apologize. I was just a bit frustrated. Now let's keep moving. And for MELVIN'S sake be quiet! Jeez… I'm working with a bunch of tater-brains here… come on." Sonic kept walking, and everyone followed after a momentary awkward silence.

(A.N. Awkward… that's a funny word! Like… flibbertigibbet! And butterball! That is also a funny word! Yes, I know, this really has no point. Sorry to waste your time. Butterball!)

-Later, near a rocky precipice of doom (that still isn't HALF as scary as Happy Bunny Forest)-

The cave was slowly transforming from a finely crafted hallway to a rickety pathway of unaltered rock. According to Sonic (who was a real LOTR whiz, yeah $#&!#$! right,) they were nearly out, and the only thing that stood between them and the exit was a 3-inch-thick 2-foot-wide rock bridge overlooking an endless dark abyss of certain (splatter-y or fiery) death. This was a less-than-pleasant turn of events, and it evoked a less-than-pleasant reaction, to say the least.

"WHAT THE FLAMING #$!&?"

"Oh, relax. It's not that… bad…" Knuckles looked over the edge and gulped.

"NOT THAT BAD! NOT… THAT… BAD! IF YOU THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT I'M GOING TO WALK OVER THAT… OVER THAT…"

"Chasm of definite fatality?"

"...OVER THAT CHASM OF DEFINITE FATALITY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL COVER YOURSELF IN STRING CHEESE AND TACO SEASONING AND RUN AROUND IN THE SNOW SCREAMING 'I'M HAPPY DAN THE JELL-O MAN!'"

"Okay, that makes no sense whatsoever."

"IT DOESN'T HAVE TO! IT… DOESN'T… HAVE… TO!"

"Okay, now you're scaring me Sonic."

"THAT'S GOOD! EMBRACE THE FEAR! EMBRACE IT! DANCE WITH ME! DANCE THE DANCE OF FEAR!"

"SONIC!" -SLAP- "Snap out of it!"

"Um… thanks, Amy. I… probably needed that. But, don't do it again."

"One more for luck." -SLAP- "Now listen, all we have to do is cross this bridge like so." Amy daintily stepped across the bridge, and was soon on the other side. The demented side of Sonic's mind secretly wanted her to fall, just to say 'I knew it. See? You shoulda listened to me.' Amy turned around. "See? Easy. Now you try." Tails shrugged his shoulders and stepped onto the bridge. Sonic couldn't resist.

"YOU'RE GONNA FALL!" Tails turned quickly.

"What?" -trip- "WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! HELP ME!" Tails began falling into the endless rocky void. Sonic slapped himself in the forehead.

"OH, COME ON! YOU CAN FLY, TAILS!"

"WHAT? OH, RIGHT!" Tails bashfully flew up to the cliff where Amy stood. Amy pointed to Knuckles.

"You next, Big Red."

"You calling me gum?"

"Just walk." Knuckles jumped up and glided over the bridge. "Maybe I don't FEEL like walking. So there. Nya." Knuckles stuck his tongue out. Amy pointed to Rouge.

"Come on. You too."

"You have to be kidding!"

"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."

(A.N. Airplane! reference.)

"Ooooookay… well, here goes nothing." Rouge got a running start and jumped and glided over as Knuckles did. Amy pointed to Atomsk.

"C'mon." Atomsk turned to Sonic and backflipped onto the bridge. He then walked casually across and was soon with the others. Sonic now stood alone.

"Come on, Sonic!"

"Yes, you might want to be moving, Sonic." Sonic turned around to see 'Shandolf' standing mere inches away from him.

"AAH! Man, don't you ever knock?"

"Knock what?"

"You know, knock."

"What knock?"

"Knock knock!"

"Shut up, Tails. And, never mind, Shandolf."

"Right… so, like I said, you might want to be moving quickly across that bridge now."

"And what reason could I possibly have to do that?"

"Funny you should ask… here they come now." Sonic was too caught up in talking that he hadn't realized that the sound which the group had been hearing earlier was back, and growing. Sonic looked over Shadow's shoulder, and he saw something moving towards him. As the moving entity came closer, it became obvious to Team Sonic what was approaching. This time, not just Tails but everybody yelled out in unison what they were thinking.

"BUNNIES!"

-TO BE CONTINUED-

* * *

Don'tcha just HATE it when they do that to you? Coming soon in episode X-Will Team Sonic escape the bunnies? Will they find their way out of the cave? Will they destroy the ring? Will this whole thing end? Will they end up in the real world? Will I stop asking all these questions? Will I actually get around to writing episode X? God only knows. Episode X-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Three 


	10. The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Three

Death Bologna

* * *

Holy crap-crunk doodle McDiddly it's been a while. Mainly due to writer's block and laziness. (And being without an internet connection for an ungodly, and I do mean UNGODLY amount of time.) But FINALLY, DUM DA-DA-DUM! EPISODE 10! Man... it's been such a long time, and several people have been waiting for this episode so eagerly (I assume), I R-E-A-L-L-Y hope I don't disappoint. Really. I mean... there's no pressure... but... if this episode turns out crappy... then... I...-twitch-...MOTHERFU- 

(WE APOLOGIZE, BUT THIS INTRO IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. THE AUTHOR IS BEING SEDATED AND STRAPPED DOWN AS WE SPEAK. IN THE MEAN TIME, ON WITH THE SHOW!)

* * *

-Disclaimer (not to be confused the anti-sclamming lotion, De-Sclammer)- 

I do not own Sega, Sonic Team, Cheerios, Juicyfruit, Volvo, Cheese Doodles, or LOTR. In the words of Mike King (AKA Metal Sonic EX), bite me!

* * *

Episode X-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Three 

-PREVIOUSLY-

"BUNNIES!"

-AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY-

"BUNNIES!"

-ONE MORE TIME-

"BUNNIES!"

-AND NOW, IN GERMAN-

"HÄSCHEN!"

-Seriously, though, back to the story-

"BUNNIES!" The group watched in horror as thousands upon thousands of ravenous bunnies came rushing towards them at full velocity. Their red eyes shone and pulsated through the dark, and their razor-sharp teeth glistened with what little light was inside the cave. Yes, it was a tidal wave of pure bunny hell.

"So... you're back to finish the job, eh? WELL, COME AND GET SOME YOU CARROT-CHEWIN' RATS WITH FUR!" Knuckles had to be restrained by Tails and Atomsk. "LEMME AT 'EM! LEMME... lemme... at... them... rats... -SNORE-" It was lucky for everyone that Amy always had her 'anti-wiggy-wiggy' sedative syringes with her.

"Well, now that that's done, SONIC GET YOUR FUZZY BLUE BUTT OVER THIS BRIDGE!" Sonic whimpered.

"But I don't wanna..."

"GET OVER HERE OR ELSE...!" Amy then broke the world record by going from demon to angel in 2.8 seconds flat. "Oh, Sooooooooonic! I'll give you a kiss if you come over here!"

"Yeeeeeeeah... can I have cash instead?"

"SONIC!"

"Demon's back."

"SHUT UP! SONIC, MOVE IT!"

"ALRIGHT! I WAS JUST KIDDING! Honestly... okay, here goes nothin'." Sonic took one step onto the bridge. "Okay. I must do this like a man. Hedgehog. Hedgehog man." Sonic inhaled deeply. "WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Sonic closed his eyes and ran across the bridge with all the grace of a construction worker on ice skates, flailing his arms around and screaming like a little girl. Or Tails, if you prefer. After a few... awkward seconds, Sonic was safe and sound on the other side of the bridge. He slowly opened his eyes.

"Congrats, fuzz-butt."

"I made it?" Sonic looked down and realized that he was standing on solid rock. "I MADE IT! YEAH! WHOO! I RULE! YOU ALL SUCK! I'M THE BEST!"

"Okay, Sonic. We get it."

"OH, YEAH! NUMBAH ONE! MAD SKILLZ!"

"WE GET IT, Sonic."

"I'M GREAT!"

"Sonic..."

"YOU CAN ALL KISS MY-"

"SONIC!" -BIG, PAINFUL SMACK- "SHUT your FLAPPING PIE HOLE!" Sonic's face now sported a brand-new red mark in the shape of a hand. Suddenly, Shadow's voice arose from across the bridge.

"Quick! You must be going children! They are coming!"

"Children?"

"Quickly! There's no time!" Sonic again gazed at the horde of rampaging rabbits.

"Shan-duh is right. We gotta go now!"

"Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!"

"Tails, if you say one more word I will staple your upper lip to your forehead."

"But it's catchy! Gotta go, gotta go, gotta HOLY-" -k-CHIK k-CHIK- "OW!" Sonic put the stapler away.

"What did we learn?"

"You are a maniac?"

"That's right. More specifically, a maniac with a stapler."

"Let's hear it for random acts of violence!" Knuckles gave a thumbs up and winked.

"Let's go!"

"Right!" Sonic and pals ran away from the bridge at full speed, leaving 'Shandolf' behind to stop the horde of bunnies. With a flash, he produced a long staff and moved to the center of the bridge. The bunnies were now about to move onto the bridge. With a mighty swoosh, Shadow slammed his staff down onto the rocky bridge and screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"You can't be bleeping serious." The bunnies moved closer.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" The bunnies came even closer.

"YOU SHALL NO- WAAAAAAH!" -trample trample trample- "AH! OOF! WAH! URGH!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Knuckles and Atomsk couldn't help but laugh as they watched Shadow get trampled by several hundred stampeding rabbits. He didn't seem too pleased.

"DO NOT LAUGH AT ME! I AM A PIMP! PIMPITY BOO-YAH! OW!" One final rabbit nailed Shadow right in the noggin, putting him in a rather amusing stars-circling-around tongue-hanging-out semi-comatose state.

"STOP!" A loud, booming voice suddenly filled the cave. Every man, hedgehog, or bunny froze in its tracks.

"What?"

"Who?"

"Pimp?"

"IT IS I! THE GREAT CREATOR!"

"Baskin Robbins?"

"SHUT UP TAILS! IT IS I, KINETIKAI!"

(A.N. Note my awesome cameo. Oh yes, it is the good stuff.)

"Kineti-who?"

"KINETIKAI! I AM THE ONE WHO CREATED YOU, YOUR LIVES, AND YOUR ACTIONS! I AM THE SUPREME BEING OF THIS WORLD!"

"Wait... I thought the pope was the supreme-"

"FORGET THE POPE! THERE ISN'T EVEN A POPE IN YOUR WORLD!"

"Oh, right. Then... how did I know that? I'm not supposed to have this knowledge! I'm freaking out here! THIS WORLD MAKES NO SENSE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Knuckles ran off the cliffside screaming, to the somewhat amusement of the others.

"Oooookay... sure. So, O Kinetikai, what's the dilly-o?"

"NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN."

"Sorry."

"GETTING TO THE POINT, THE DEAL IS THAT THIS PAR-TIC-ULAR EPISODE IS JUST PLAIN SILLY. SILLY, POINTLESS, AND... OOOOHHH BIZA-R-R-E WIBBIDY WOMBLY STUFF!"

"Well, duh. I mean, half the stuff that Tails does could qualify him as mentally unstable."

"Sonic has a point. Watch!" Tails pulled out a pair of scissors out of nowhere and snipped off a tuft of fur from Sonic's head for no apparent reason.

"Oy! What in the world was that!"

"Hedge trimmers!" Tails cocked his head and smiled as a rage-filled silence filled the room. After a few seconds, Sonic grabbed Tails arm and broke the silence.

"Tails, I will put this bluntly. If you ever... EVER make a pun like that again, I will smack the orange off of you and you will become clear blob of gooey fuzz."

"YES. NO MORE PUNS. I WILL SMITE THEE. PAINFULLY SO."

"Okay, okay. Settle down, hedgie-man."

"GOOD. NOW, WE HAVE TO SQUEEZE TWO-AND-A-HALF MOVIES WORTH OF FUNNY INTO HALF A CHAPTER. SO QUIT THE SILLINESS AND GET A MOVE ON!"

"Sa right my boogie!" Sonic turned back to the rest of the Fuzz 4 Brains lot. "Come on, people! Let's go go tomato!"

"Right!" Everyone then began running in random directions, eventually falling off the cliff one way or another. After respawning, Sonic clarified.

"Good start! But this time, go towards the exit!"

"That's even better!" Sonic and the rest began running again. This time they actually stayed on solid ground. Pity.

"You know, this cave isn't too bad a place." Rouge began looking around the cave. "It's quiet, spacious... I might just get a summer home up here. You know, a little cavern getaway." Tails immediately turned to Rouge.

"Sweet jeepers, Batgirl! I guess that would make this the Batcave!"

"ENOUGH!" A bolt of lightning suddenly appeared out of nowhere, striking Tails in the head and causing him to disappear.

-In the woods, somewhere-

-Reappearing BOINK- "Where... where am I?" Tails looked around as a trumpet fanfare played in the distance.

"What's that sound? Footsteps of some sort? Actually, it almost sounds like... OHMYGODITSADOG!" Tails screamed as a foxhound grabbed hold of him and kept running. "Ahhhhh! This was not the greyhound I was expecting to catch!"

"In Soviet Russia, greyhound catches you!"

"Oh, shut up, Yakov!"

-Back in da cave-

"Who wears short shorts?"

"I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!"

"Who eats Cheerios?"

"I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!" Sonic sped onward, shouting bizarre cheers at his comrades. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Sonic tangoed right off the edge of the cliff while dressed as a large stick of Juicyfruit gum. Knuckles then proceeded to blow up a Volvo dealership, while Tails played pinball with a couple of bearded antelopes. Amy then ate 12 sticks of butter, and simultaneously George Bush misplaced the White House. At the same time, I appeared in the cave in the form of John Cleese floating upside down and wearing a green top hat. Then, some other weird stuff happened, oh, and by the way, the guys destroyed the One Ring in the fires of Mount Doom and saved the day. The end.

* * *

Random Fanboy - What? What the crap! That's it? How can you end the story like that? You can't just compress that much movie into a single paragraph! And what's with the randomness? And how did you suddenly go from normal writing to screenplay-style writing? YOU CONFUSE ME! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN! YOU WILL BURN FOREVER! 

Kinetikai - Sorry. Them's the breaks.

Random Fanboy - GRAAAAAAARGH! -Spontaneous combustion noises-

Kinetikai - Alrighty. Now that that's over with, let's take a long trip on a short bus back to normality. Clap on. -CLAP CLAP-

-In darkness-

"Whoa! What just happened?"

"Yeah! And... where'd all the dark come from?"

"And who's... Norman Krandolf?"

"Norman Krandolf? What in the world are you talking... ohhh..." Sonic turned around and noticed a series of giant white letters rising up from the floor, which spelled out N-O-R-M-A-N-K-R-A-N-D-O-L-F.

"That's... um... yeah... right..."

"Hey, look! There's another one! Martin... Floogenheimer?"

"It's pronounced 'Smith', Knuckles."

"Sorry. I can't read. But I'm learning! I'm gaining knowledge!"

"And knowledge is power!"

"Be quiet."

"Holy crap! I... I think I know where we are!"

"Where?"

"We're in... we're in... (wait for it to sink in...) the END CREDITS!" -Dramatic DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!-

-TO BE CONTINUED-

* * *

-RIGHT ABOUT NOW-

"We're in... the end credits!"

"You just said that."

"I know. I was recapping for the people at home."

"What people?"

"Fourth wall! YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!"

"Oh, take a pill or something."

"Hey, did Knuckles just disappear for two seconds?"

"Who cares?"

"Wait a second. What is that?" Sonic noticed something rising up from the floor, sitting atop one of the giant letters. It was... something furry... something familiar... something potentially mentally handicapped...

"Hi evewybody!"

"TWIGGY!"

-TO BE CONTINUED-

"Oh, just cut it out."

-SORRY-

"Twiggy! What are you doing here?"

"I was just a-cwuisin' downtown in my Aspawagusmobile looking for the All-Nite Veggie-Fest in Chucklemebuckle, Montana when..."

"Yeah, okay. We get the point. Now go away and play 'Let's Stand In Front of a Moving Bus'."

"You know, come to think of it, we didn't really reach a 'point' of any kind during that last verbal transaction." Sonic pondered Knuckles sudden and odd usage of words longer than one syllable.

"I realize that, but do you really want to stick around listening to him until we do?" Knuckles took a second to think.

"Good point. Well made. Go on."

"Thank you. Now go stand in front of a moving bus."

"Okey-dokey, awtichoke-y! Off I go, to... hey, look! It's the top of the scwee-"

-SATISFYING SQUISH-

Sonic, Knuckles, and Atomsk shared a chuckle. "Ah... no matter how many times I hear that sound it never gets old."

"And yet... somehow I feel he'll be coming back very soon..."

Atomsk smiled. "Oh, come on. What're the odds of that?" Everyone turned to face Atomsk. "Yeah, I know. Excuse me for being positive."

"I'm sad now."

"Yeah." Amy turned to face the scrolling names. "How long are these credits? They've been going on for like... a... like... long time."

"I know. How many people worked on this movie, anyway?"

"Well, I'm no good at judging numbers, but by what I've seen so far, I'd say between 3 and 6 billion. Give or take, you know?"

"So... we just wait?"

"Like a guy in a bank standing behind an elderly lady counting out $3000 worth of pennies. We wait."

"Arrgh..." Shadow shook his fist at the giant white letters. "CURSE YOU, PRODUCTION ASSISTANT MEG WAFFLEHOUSEN!"

"Wait... Shadow! You're back! And... you're normal!"

"CURSE YOU TO DEATH, WAFFLEHOUSEN! I WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL!"

"...within reason."

"Yeah. So, what's going down, Shadow? You were acting a bit... uh..."

"Funked up."

"Pretty much." Shadow, who now moved on to cursing 2nd gaffer Jim Juicebuggy, finally seemed to notice that someone other than the voices in his head was talking to him.

"Say wha?"

"What was with the whole weird 'Shandolf' thing?"

"'Shandolf'? Ohhh... you must have encountered my twin." Eyes open wider. The plot thickens.

"Did you say 'twin'?"

"What? No. I said... um... 'tin'...'can'. I... have a tin can that slightly... resembles me..." Eyes go back to normal. The plot thins out again.

"Yeah..." A few minutes of steady, semi-awkward silence passed. Suddenly, Knuckles noticed something.

"I'm noticing something!" All eyes turned to Knuckles, then to his pointing finger, then to the credits, which he was pointing at. "The credits are ending!" It was true. The final names, logos, and various bits and bobs of credit-y goodness rose up and out of sight. Suddenly, -Dramatic gasp!- just as the final letters vanished from sight, a new object became increasingly more visible. It looked like a TV screen, only it kept growing in size until it was the size of a movie screen. All of a sudden, an image began to form on the giant screen.

"It's... it's... IT'S...!"

-TO BE CONTI--

"Oh, would somebody punch him out!"

Knuckles pulled a pair of nunchuks out of nowhere. "Ninja?"

"Not yet. Down, boy. Now, as I was saying... IT'S..." -LARGE DRAMATIC PAUSE- "EGGMAN!"

"Gasp!"

"Wait... is he... in his UNDERWEAR?"

"Gasp and retch!" It was sadly true. The sight that greeted the furry bunch was gruesome indeed. Eggman was sitting on what appeared to be an overstuffed sofa, holding an unidentifiable bottle in one hand and wearing nothing but a pair of _tiiiiiiight_ tighty-whities and his signature two-broom 'stache.

"AAAAAAAHHHH! MY EYES! MY EYES!" Nearly everyone began covering their eyes while shrieking in pain.

"SONIC! NOOOOOOOO!"

"LOOK AWAY, AMY! LOOK AWAY!" -Spontaneous combustion noises- "AMY? AMY!" Sonic looked behind him, seeing only a pair of smoking pink shoes. Not 'smoking' as in 'fashionable' or 'attractive'. I mean 'smoking' as in 'holy crap, Amy just blew the &#! up'.

"What're you doing in there? You're not part of the Lord of the Rings movie!" Sonic was too shocked to notice that Eggman had stood up and was now moving towards the screen. "Where's the blasted rewind button?" Eggman's stomach and underwear were now in Def-Con 4 range.

"So... disgusting..." -Large, squishy explosions-

"NO! Shadow... Knuckles... Rouge... everyone... EGGMAN! YOU MONSTER!" Eggman fiddled with the knobs on his TV, unaware of the exploding furries strewn around the bottom of the screen.

"I really should contact that video store... MAN that itches." Eggman's hand began moving in what seemed like slow-motion.

"NOOOOOO! DON'T SCRATCH! TOO... HORRIBLE... TO... COMPREHEND!" Eggman's hand kept moving further and further... and to add do the disgusting factor, Eggman had accidentally dropped the remote and was now bending over to pick it up. "PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! NO SCRATCHY!" Sonic ran to the screen and began pounding it furiously with his hands. "PLEASE! STOP!" But these cries fell on deaf ears. The scratch had begun.

"Ahhhh... now THAT feels good. Yarr... where be my Cheese Doodles?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" -Loud, hedgehog-y explosion-

-In the house of Sonic, 3:01 A.M.-

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sonic bolted upright, beads of sweat dripping off of each of his quills. "I... wha... where... I'm..." Sonic looked around. "I'm... in my bed. It... it was all just a dream. It was all just a dream!" Sonic smiled, still surveying his surroundings. "It was all just a... dream?" Sonic's smile turned into a grimace. "All of it... a dream? Ugh... how terribly cliché..." Sonic hopped out of bed. "Oh well..."

Sonic plodded his way downstairs, flipping on the kitchen light switch and sitting at the table. "I need some grapefruit juice." Sonic stood up again with a grunt and ambled over to the fridge. He opened the door, and fell backwards in shock as a single red-eyed rabbit leaped out of the fridge and hopped its way out the kitchen window. Sonic quickly righted himself and grabbed a large wheel of cheese out of the refrigerator, which he began eating nervously.

"No... -munch- this is just a coincidence... -munch munch- it was all just a dream... -CHOMP-... it was all just a dream..."

Suddenly, a voice arose from a darkened corner. "Was it? Was it all a dream?" The figure stepped into the light, revealing himself as Shadow, in a full 'Shandolf' getup.

"Well, spin me sideways and call me Rita."

"So, I ask again. Was it all a dream? Or... or perhaps... is your grasp on reality not as tight as you think it to be?"

"Were you dropped on your head as a child? Like, repeatedly? From the top of the Sears Tower?"

"Maybe. I suppose..." Shadow gazed toward the ray of moonlight shining through the kitchen window. "...we shall never know."

"Oh, don't worry. I know." Sonic looked around. "Hey, where are the others?"

"Good question. Where... ARE they?"

"Okay, yeah, I'm gonna go back to sleep. And if I don't get any real answers by morning I'll cover your head in steak and hang you upside-down over a pool of hungry piranhas."

"Or... WILL you?"

-5 minutes later-

"Okay... so you WILL." -Piranhas chomping below-

"Yep. Nighty-night. Sleep tight. Don't let the piranhas bite." Sonic mock saluted the hanging 'Shandolf' and walked back to the house. "Now, where's that wheel of cheese..."

* * *

Coming soon in episode XI-Ta-da! The Furryship has ended, and the journey begins anew. However, questions still remain! Was it all really just a dream? Who was the BOOBITABOOBITA bandit? Will Shadow survive the night over the piranha pool? And, if he doesn't, will anyone care? All will be revealed... soon! -Ish! Episode XI-Back To Reality... Dang It 


	11. Back To Reality Dang It

Death Bologna

* * *

WHOA! Another long break! In case you're wondering what's taking so bloody long, my hard drive got fried the second after I posted chapter 10. Heh... fried Death Bologna... but I digress. So, without further ado, and awaiting inevitable impending disaster, HERE'S CHAPTER 11!

* * *

-Disco? No... Discovery? No... Discredited? No... Disclimber? Close enough.- 

I do not own Sega, Sonic, or-

-Disclaimer! That's it! Continue...-

AS I WAS SAYING... I do not own Sega, Sonic, IHOP, Oreck, Lunchables, Wal-Mart, or anything related. Not that anyone thought I own any of that stuff anyway...

* * *

Episode XI-Back To Reality... Dang It 

Sonic sat at the kitchen table holding and eating the remainder of his cheese wheel. The rest of the furry ones were scattered around the kitchen, including Atomsk, who was opening and closing the refrigerator door, trying to find out if the little light DID in fact turn off when the door was closed. Eventually, he just became annoyed and sliced the fridge in half with a sword he pulled out of, apparently, the thin air behind his back. "Well, it's off now."

The entire morning had been spent filling Sonic in on the 'true' events of the past couple of days, as Sonic's own story was a bit... on the wibbly side. After the talk was over, it took Sonic a few seconds to take it all in.

"...so, after I was knocked unconscious, I, along with all of you, was put into a virtual reality program which simulated the world in the Lord of the Rings. The program was built by Robotnik, aided by a secret government organization, for the purpose of observing my actions in order to more easily defeat me. During this period of virtual incapacitation, Eggman decided to try a new form of personality alteration using the same machine that, presumably, turned Cheese evil for a brief period of time."

-FLASHBACK-

"_Hey, Cheese! I'm HOLY $#&!" Cream looked at her living room, or, at least, what was left of it, in shock. Everything was either in disarray or in pieces. And at the center of the disaster was Cheese, sporting an evil smile and laugh. "What… why… how could you do this?"_

"_Hahahaha!" Cheese said, in a deep booming voice._

"_HOLY $#&!!!"_

"_Stop that! Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Come to papa!" Cheese said, jumping onto Cream's head._

"_HOLY (muffled angry expletives)!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

-END FLASHBACK-

"However, fearing that using the machine on me might wake me up from my cybernetic sleep, he decided to test the machine on Shadow first. The result was 'Shandolf', proving that the machine worked, but the end results were generally unexpected. Fearing that the error would damage the system, Eggman immediately came up with a plan to exit us from the virtual reality system. Killing us off in virtual reality seemed to be the easiest way of removing us without damaging the system. However, complications arose when Knuckles awoke from the system prematurely. That explains the two seconds where he mysteriously disappeared."

-FLASHBACK-

"_What people?"_

"_Fourth wall!!! YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!!!!!"_

"_Oh, take a pill or something."_

"_Hey, did Knuckles just disappear for two seconds?"_

"_Who cares?"_

-END FLASHBACK-

"In that brief two seconds, the government agency went into a furious program-fest, creating a new virtual Knuckles from scratch as to not arouse our suspicions. However, the model was not perfectly in tune with our own Knuckles, thus explaining the other discrepancy."

-FLASHBACK-

"_Yeah, okay. We get the point. Now go away and play 'Let's Stand In Front of a Moving Bus'."_

"_You know, come to think of it, we didn't really reach a 'point' of any kind during that last verbal transaction." Sonic pondered Knuckles sudden and odd usage of words longer than one syllable. _

"_I realize that, but do you really want to stick around listening to him until we do?" Knuckles took a second to think._

"_Good point. Well made. Go on."_

-END FLASHBACK-

"After Knuckles woke up, he was immediately subdued by several government agents, and moved to an undisclosed location. We think he is now kept as a slave of sorts, being forced to be the perpetual greeter at a Wal-Mart in Wonkie-Tonk, Montana."

-Meanwhile, somewhere in Montana-

"Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your #$!& and get out!"

-Back with da fuzz-

"So, after we 'died' in the program, we were released into Eggman's custody, to be immediately dispensed with. However, instead of staying unconscious as planned, we all woke up unexpectedly in Eggman's lair, sans me, of course. It was then that a daring escape took place, in which my helpless body had to be carried by you guys while you fought of hordes of killer robots. Running aimlessly into the night, tired and hurt, you managed to escape the waves of robotic death machines, sneaking aboard a passenger train heading to Minnesota. From then on you hitched a few rides, met Elvis, opened up a taco stand on highway 12, released a #1 single (Meat 'N Taters -ThugMastaRemix-), accidentally cloned some dinosaurs..."

Atomsk raised his hand. "Yeah. That one was on me."

"...won the Nobel Peace Prize, taught Twiggy how to samba, made your way back to my house, and brewed a big ol' pot of coffee. Is that pretty much how it went?"

"Yep. That's exactly the kind of plot that would make this story a whole lot more interesting. Alas, reality is reality."

"Yep. Turns out all that happened was some freak in a mask pumped you full of juju juice and you had some kinda freaky-deaky dream sequence."

"Right. But... if that's all that happened, where's Knuckles?" Amy, Rouge, and Atomsk all looked at each other.

"We... think he's the perpetual greeter at a Wal-Mart in Montana." Sonic stared blankly for a second. "We're, uh, not really sure how he got there, either."

"I see... so, what about Shadow? I mean, what was up with him being Shandolf in real life?"

"You talk in your sleep. I assume it was just a practical joke."

"Oh. Well, at least he had it coming."

-Over a pool of piranhas-

"Um, help? Please? I've got candy..."

-Back in da house-

"So that explains Knuckles and Shadow. But... what about the red-eyed rabbit in the fridge?" Amy and Tails looked at each other.

"Um... coincidence?"

"I'll buy that."

"Alrighty. Let's go."

"Go? Go where?"

"To the temple of Balhallazera! To slay the horned demons of Ixphah! That's where we are to go!!!" Everyone turned to face Tails, who was wielding a spatula like Excalibur.

"Yeah... right... probably not gonna do that. Sorry to, uh, burst your bubble." Tails sighed.

"Okay... I guess... well, if anyone needs me, I'll be in my hat." Tails pulled a fedora out of nowhere, placed it gingerly on his head, and stood in the corner of the kitchen, facing the wallpaper. "Mmmm... hat... hat... hat... hat..." Rouge walked over and prepared to tap Tails on the shoulder, before being stopped by Sonic.

"Hey! Don't bother him. He's in his hat. Leave him be." Sonic cracked his knuckles and rolled his neck. "Now, unless anyone has any objections, I say we continue our search for Eggman's base before this thing gets any bigger!" Everyone now noticed that Sonic was holding a weird squid-like creature in his hand. "This thing's gettin' bigger by the minute! Last week it was half this size! It's really starting to creep me out!" Sonic threw the creature into the sink and walked towards the front door.

"What's your plan Sonic?"

"Phase 1: We find Knuckles." Suddenly, the front door burst open, revealing a badly-beaten red echidna with a happy face branded on his forehead.

"OH, GOD!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!!" Knuckles staggered through the door, leaving a trail of blood and fur behind him. "'Welcome to Wal-Mart!' 'Welcome to Wal-Mart!' Day and night! Night and day! The horrors! THE HORRORS!!!"

"Well, Phase 1 complete!"

"You can't just walk out. They own you! They OWN you! I had to claw my way through hundreds of senior citizens with pricing guns! I BARELY MADE IT OUT ALIVE!!!" Knuckles began sobbing hysterically, while the others attempted to keep their sweet distance. "I bear their mark! Their MARK!" Knuckles pointed to the smiling face burned into his skull. "I'm a wanted man! If I walk outside, I'm dead! DEAD! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!? DEAD!!!! D-E-D, DEAD!!!!"

"D-E-_A_-D." Sonic whispered.

"D-E-A-D, DEAD!!!! CURSE YOU, WAL-MART!!!!!!!!!!"

(A.N. It should be noted that I have nothing against Wal-Mart _per se_. I think it's a lovely place. Wonderful, in fact. It's just a bit of comic license. Bear with me. They know where I live.)

Knuckles crawled into the fetal position and continued bawling as Amy tiptoed over to Sonic. "Um, Sonic? D'ya think he's gonna be okay?"

"Who, Knuckles?"

"No, Abraham Lincoln." A seething aura of sarcasm and anger now surrounded Amy. She hated blatant stupidity laced with transparent heartlessness.

"But I thought he was dead. If you ask me, good ol' Honest Abe's chances of being okay have long since gone down the ol' tubes." Witty comment. Light punch. Sonic's aura was now in the lead.

"Well, why don't you go and take a trip down the ol' tubes? You might come across your personality." Hard body blow. Amy's aura ahead.

"Well, if it was a tube of bleach, maybe after I found my personality I could make that mustache of yours a little less visible." Kill shot. Sonic's aura wins.

"GASP!!!!! THAT'S IT!!!!! MR. WHACK WHACK HAS A HOUSE CALL WITH YOUR SKULL!!!!!" Amy took out her hammer as Sonic let out a loud, squeaky, yelping noise.

"YEEP!"

"YEEP THIS!" The next five minutes, if recorded and played in fast-forward, would have looked like an old Benny Hill skit. Amy chased Sonic around for what seemed like hours, hammer poised, feet unrelenting, and antiperspirant wearing dangerously thin. Then suddenly, with a simple hockey stick, (which was lying on the floor despite the fact that no one in the house played hockey,) it was all over.

Sonic tripped.

And fell.

And falling was the least of his troubles.

Actually, acne was the least of his troubles.

Falling was probably right above acne.

Or, maybe that was osteoporosis.

Ah, screw it. I'm getting confused. ON WITH THE BEATING!!!

"SWEET MOTHER OF TURNIPS!!!!" -WHACK- -SCRUNCH- -SQUISH- -CLOBBER- -SPROING- -WHACKITYWHACKITYBA-ZING- -STOMP- -ANOTHER WHACK- -MORE SQUISHING- -TWEAK- -SPURT- -KABOOM!!!!!-

"And I'm just getting STARTED punk!!!"

-Several minutes... uh, HOURS later-

"...and take some of THIS!" -SNAP- -CRACKLE- -POP- -WHAPWHAPWHAP- -SPROING- -CRUNCH- -HOT BUTTERED TOAST- -FIZZLE- -UNLEASH THE FLAMES OF THE UNDERWORLD- -SMACK- -POW- -SPLASH- -KERSPLAT- -LOUD NOISES- -YEEP- -LARGE FIERY EXPLOSION- "Yeah! Eat it!"

"Um... Amy?"

"EAT IT!!!!" -WHONGO- Amy noticed that she got a kind a bizarre adrenaline rush whenever she beat someone up. She found it comparable to skydiving, only, instead of jumping out of a plane, you were hitting someone over the head repeatedly with a large hammer. Same difference.

"Amy?"

"WHAT?!"

"You realize that you've been beating up a stuffed animal for, say, the last hour-and-a-half?"

"Stuffed... what?!" Amy took a second to notice what she was pounding into the ground. It was a life-size, yet now quite flat, stuffed Sonic doll. It was one of the special ones that said phrases such as 'Pass me that chili dog' or 'How's it hangin', Bernie?' whenever you pushed on it's nose. This, at least, explained why Sonic was referring to Amy as 'Bernie' during the last hour of beating.

"Wha... how... HOW DID HE ESCAPE?!?!" Amy took two steps before realizing that the beating had left her insurmountably tired. "Ugh... oh, fine. He gets of lucky this time. But NEXT time... ohh... next time he's gonna get it."

"Whew! That's a relief."

"Wha-?" Amy turned around and noticed that the real Sonic was standing right behind her.

"How's it hangin', Bernie?"

"What the?! Where were you???"

"Right behind you. I've known you long enough to know that you don't turn around that much."

"But... I just turned around right now." Sonic stopped for a second.

"Fluke."

"Yeah, well... NEXT time..." Amy shoved her forefinger into Sonic's face.

"Yeah, yeah. I know. It's always 'next time'." Sonic walked away, not noticing the hockey stick which sealed his fate last time. He tripped over it, again, and fell down a flight of stairs. At the bottom, he brushed himself off, straightened his quills, and acted as if nothing happened. "Still pimpin'."

"SONIC!" A shrill cry from upstairs stopped Sonic in his tracks. Sonic spun his head around like Linda Blair.

"Yeeees..." Sonic said through clenched teeth.

"WHAT are we going to DO about Knuckles?" Amy pointed to Knuckles, who was still crying his eyes out.

"That's a good question." -Ding- "AHA! I have a plan!"

"Where'd that ding come from?"

"Never mind that! Quickly, to the Hedge-cave!"

-Meanwhile, in a test lab somewhere in Nevada-

"Goggles on."

"Goggles on, boss."

"Goggles on, boss."

"Lower the elevator."

"Lowering elevator, boss."

"Lowering elevator, boss."

"Stop that."

"Stopping that, boss."

"Stopping that, boss."

"Stop talking or you'll both eat lead!"

"Stopping talking, boss." -BLAM-

"Eating lead, boss."

Eggman and his two cronies, Scratch and Grounder, descended into the bowels of his Nevada-side test base. It was here that Eggman would create and test out his new machines, death rays, egg-shaped Sonic-destroying machines, and idiotic sidekicks. "Hmmm... haven't tested a new sidekick in a while." The base itself was divided into three wings. Wing One was a design and creation laboratory, Wing Two was the controlled testing arena and viewing booth, and Wing Three was the cafeteria. As it was designed to serve Eggman and Eggman only, it was consequently much larger than most cafeterias. What did it serve? Anything and everything edible... except bologna.

Everyone remembers the incident on July 22nd when Eggman was served a single bologna sandwich for lunch. Suddenly, all the horrible childhood memories returned. All the wasted lunchtime opportunities. Those sandwiches. Those blasted sandwiches! Everyone else had sloppy joes, Lunchables, or big bags full of candy. And what did Eggman have? Those blasted bologna sandwiches!!! The memories all began springing into Eggman's mind like jackrabbits springing into the blades of an apache helicopter. In a moment of unbridled rage, Eggman slammed the sandwich onto the floor, clamped his hands onto the table, and attempted to tip it over. 12 seconds later he was passed out on the floor from exhaustion, the table still firmly planted on the ground. True, it wasn't the most spectacular of incidents. True, it only further proved that, without machinery, Eggman was about as tough as an overripe banana. However, the point got across.

Eggman unloaded himself and his subordinates into the viewing booth, which was a small area overlooking a large, warehouse-like testing room which was completely empty, except for a single ham sandwich on a steel pedestal in the center. Eggman then moseyed his way over to a control panel and flipped a switch marked 'PA', as hilarious amounts of feedback began spewing out of the base's PA system. "Aye, now that's annoying."

"You're telling me?"

"Oh, shut up." Eggman picked up a microphone and tapped it twice. The taps reverberated throughout the base, causing the ground to shake slightly. Eggman smiled, and put the mic up to his lips. Scratch sighed.

"Here we go again."

"**_-K-SHOOK- Test one: ham sandwich. Bring in the laser! -K-SHOOK-"_** The words circulated throughout the building in massive hi-fi, including the mock-static K-SHOOK's that Eggman threw in to make everything he said sound like a walkie-talkie conversation. Within seconds, a machine of epic proportions (at least, in comparison to the sandwich,) was rolled through large steel doors into the testing arena. Eggman immediately turned around to face his underlings. "You two! Did you bring in the scientists I asked you to bring?"

"Yes boss."

"Yes boss."

"Just as you specified, we flew in Herman Danoyse..."

"...and Jerry Defunk. Just as you asked, boss."

"Eeeeeeeeexcellent..." Eggman turned back to the microphone. **_"-K-SHOOK- Attention! Bring in Danoyse! Bring in Defunk! -K-SHOOK-" _**The large steel doors remained open as two men in black suits came into view on the testing room floor. **_"-K-SHOOK- Gentlemen, I thank you for gracing me with your presence. What you are about to witness may possibly be the most important thing you will ever experience. -K-SHOOK-"_** The two men looked at each other, before a single voice shouted out...

"Who the crap are you?"

* * *

Indeed. Who the crap IS he? Coming soon in episode XII-On the road again. They can't stand to be on the road again. Mostly due to Tails. But, alas, evil plans must be foiled! Speaking of which, what does a ham sandwich and a duck have in common? Find out next time! Episode XII-Chainsaw Therapy 


	12. Chainsaw Therapy

Death Bologna

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H-O-L-Y space C-R-A-P! Yes, I know. Another excruciatingly long break between chapters. Although, 'break' is hardly a fitting word. 'Galaxy-sized rift' would probably be more appropriate. I would gather that most of you have lost interest in this fic entirely, however I'm sure some loyal followers are still looking forward to the continuation of this thing, and are wondering what the POOF has been going on. Well, let's just say that I've bitten off more than I can chew, project-wise. I'm writing, composing, FFR-ing, flash animating, and getting more than my fill of online games. All at the same time. With the same keyboard (which, thankfully, has not yet spontaneously combusted). Oh, yeah, and my compy crashed again. AGAIN! Not to mention the fact that I'm quite astounding good at procrastinating. Heck, it took me two days to write this intro. I'm THAT good. 

I know. It's no excuse. I'm sorry. I really am. I never expected it to get this out of hand.

Fear not, though. My computer is back up and running, and from now on I will be focusing mainly on fanfic writing, so you should be expecting a new chapter of this (or Lost in Reality, or Wilywood, or Bartlett & Pimpsworthy Gaming Syndicate, if I decide to release it) every couple of days... maybe even quicker, if I get enough Sobe into my system. This writing spur will continue until I take a planned sabbatical around the halfway point of the fic. Yes, PLANNED. Plus, as an added bonus, expect a super-special surprise around chapter 17. I'm sure you can hardly contain the excitement.

Note: If this kind of unwarranted breakdown in fanfic-ing should occur again, you should know that you, the readers, have every right to come over to my apartment and pimp-slap me with a metal spatula.

So, talking aside, for the two or three of you who've been waiting patiently, an extra-extra-EXTRA-long chappie awaits below. This one's been in the works for several months. Does it show? Heck no! Enjoy!

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-Disclaimer! From the people who brought you -Warning!-, -Stop!-, and -Please note!- 

I do not own Sonic, Sega, Tylenol, Chevrolet, Sobe, Cheerios, Hello Kitty, Spyro the Dragon, Disney, Home Depot or anything related. Um... so there. Yeah. Whatcha gonna do now? Huh? Punk?

* * *

Episode XII-Chainsaw Therapy 

The two men in black suits remained immobile on the testing room floor. For the second time, the man on the left posed the eternal question to the round man in the box. "Seriously! Who the crap are you?" Eggman stood in his viewing booth, now quite befuddled.

"_**-K-SHOOK- Ummmmm... -K-SHOOK-"**_ Eggman turned to Scratch who just shrugged his shoulders. Befuddled, Eggman search for the right response.

"Well?"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Corn... flakes? -K-SHOOK-"**_ This, obviously, was not the right response.

"Dr. Cornflakes, eh? Well, that's all fine and lovely, but I have a lunch appointment in about 20 minutes so if you could-"

"_**-K-SHOOK!- No! No! My name is Dr. Eggman! Er... Dr. Robotnik! I am the greatest evil mastermind to ever walk the face of the earth!"**_

"Yeah, well-"

"_**-K-SHOOK!-"**_

"Riiiiiiiiight... Well, I've never heard of you."

"_**-K-SHOOK- But... we met last year! At the annual Mad Scientists' Meet-N-Greet Breakfast Buffet! -K-SHOOK-"**_ The men looked at each other again for a second.

"Oooooooohhhhhhh. NOW I remember you. You're the really fat one! The really fat egg-shaped guy! With pencil-like legs!" This remark made Eggman quite angry indeed. Few insulted his legs and lived to tell the tale. Danoyse did not know this fact.

"_**-K-SHOOK- Silence! I will not be made fun of in my OWN EVIL BASE! - K-SHOOK-"**_ Eggman was practically boiling with rage.

"Eh... I've seen eviler."

"_**-K-SHOOK- THAT IS IT!!! -K-SHOOK-"**_ Eggman jammed down a button on the console in front of him. _**"-K-SHOOK- Take THIS!!! -K-SHOOK-" **_

Suddenly, the square of steel Herman Danoyse was standing on (the only one with a large red 'X' in the center of it) disappeared, and he fell into a dark bottomless pit screaming "YOU CALL THAT A TRAPDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR?!?!?!" That last 'Doooooooooor' continued for about a minute before ending with the sound of a human body landing on a pile of aluminum shavings and old Cheerios before being covered in Doberman Pinschers. -SOUND UNKNOWN-

Eggman chuckled to himself for a second (he loved it when his enemies stood directly on the 'X') then turned to Defunk._** "-K-SHOOK- And you! -K-SHOOK-" **_

"What did I do?!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- You've seen too much. You must die. Thank you for your cooperation. -K-SHOOK-"**_

"But... but... I haven't seen anything!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Can you see me? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Yes, but-"

"_**-K-SHOOK- So you admit it! -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Admit what?!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Aha! I knew it! -K-SHOOK-"**_

"What?!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- What? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Why?!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Knick knack. -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Paddy whack?!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Give a dog a bone. Bye-bye! -K-SHOOK-"**_ Eggman jammed a second button on his beloved console. This one caused a large metal box with no bottom to fall on top of Defunk. Two seconds later, after some mechanical whirring noises and some screaming, the box was raised to reveal nothing but a can of tuna. 'Defunk'-brand. No preservatives. _**"-K-SHOOK- MUWAHAHOOHAHA! -K-SHOOK-" **_

Eggman smiled for a second. "Well, those two were useless. All the better. The test goes on!" Eggman hit a small green button on his console which caused a large, shiny red button to rise up from the ground on a pedestal behind him. Eggman smiled. He loved big, shiny buttons and this was by far the biggest and shiniest. "You! Out! Now!"

"Yes sir!"

"Yes sir!" Scratch and Grounder evacuated the area as hastily as they could manage for fear of being turned into rather expensive and idiotic paperweights.

Eggman spent a good half-minute admiring his enormous button before making his way back over to the microphone. _**"-K-SHOOK- Alright! Let's get it on! Underling #12, prep the ginormous laser! -K-SHOOK-" **_Eggman watched from the viewing booth as a person in a white lab coat with #12 written on the back walked out onto the testing room floor and made his way over to the large and unwieldy laser contraption. He flipped a series of switches, pressed a button or two, and pulled a gigantic lever on the side of the machine, causing all manners of lights and flashing widgets to turn on on the outside of the laser.

"Everything's set, sir!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Even the flashing widgets? -K-SHOOK-" **_

"Even those, sir!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Excellent! Well done, #12! No beatings for you today! -K-SHOOK-" **_

"Yay!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Well, maybe one beating! For energy! -K-SHOOK-" **_

"Aww..."

"_**-K-SHOOK- Hey! No complaining! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... until it kills you! -K-SHOOK-" **_

"Yes, sir." #12 walked out of the room, wishing he had a couple of Tylenol and the number of a good attorney and a registered chiropractor.

"_**-K-SHOOK- Okay! Let's do this like Buddhists! Test one: ham sandwich on white bread! No mayo! -K-SHOOK-" **_This is what Eggman had been so anxiously waiting for. The Great Egged One jammed down the biggest of buttons behind him with both hands, squealing gleefully. Immediately, the great laser began charging up, pulses of bright white light shooting out of every crevice. Of the machine.

(A.N. Whoo! That came close to being naughty. Heh... crevice... funny word...)

Just then, a glass sphere filled with blue and white light popped out of the head of the contraption, rumbling violently. Suddenly, a bright ray of light shot out of the sphere, heading straight towards the defenseless sandwich. Eggman giggled like a schoolgirl with a new Hello Kitty backpack. The sandwich began shaking with the rhythm of the machine. Suddenly, there was a loud banging sound combined with a puff of white smoke.

-LOUD BANGING SOUND-

When the smoke cleared, Eggman squealed again. As the smoke rose up and disappeared into the ceiling, Eggman (along with about 30 should-be-working underlings viewing the incident through a small window on the door) saw that the ham sandwich was no more. It had disappeared.

However, in its place, there was something else... something not-at-all-ham-sandwich-like.

The ham sandwich, on white bread, no mayo, had been transformed into...

...a duck.

"_**-K-SHOOK- -silence- -K-SHOOK-" **_Eggman stood motionless. He had done what others could not. He had succeeded where others failed. He had made duck. A mallard, specifically; 58 centimeters long, weighing 779 grams, and with a slightly enlarged left eyeball.

"_**-K-SHOOK- We... have... duck! I repeat: we have duck! -K-SHOOK-" **_

"Good job, sir!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Who was that? You should all be working! Double beatings for all staff tonight! -K-SHOOK-" **_The sounds of 30 people groaning and grumbling faded off into the distance. _**"-K-SHOOK- And no complaining! Underling #355, prepare test two! -K-SHOOK-" **_

"But sir, isn't test two-"

"_**-K-SHOOK- That's right! Pastrami AND turkey on rye with iceberg lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and... SWISS CHEESE!!! -K-SHOOK-" **_

-TO BE CONTINUED-

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-Dramatic pause for effect-

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-Meanwhile, in Sonic's house-

"To the Hedge-cave!" Sonic turned to the stairs and ran up them with lightning speed, sporting a creepy, Mickey Mouse-like smile on his face. Amy followed reluctantly. "In here, quick! With haste, Amy! There's no time to lose!" Sonic opened a blue door to his right, stepping inside and slamming it before Amy had a chance to respond. -SLAM-

"Um, Sonic?" No response. "Sonic? That's... a closet." There was a silence, followed by a muffled response.

"Um... that's what YOU think, tra la la!" Amy rolled her eyes and opened up the blue door to reveal Sonic, huddled in the corner of a perfectly ordinary coat closet.

"Sonic, you're huddled in the corner of the upstairs closet."

"That's what YOU think, tra la la!" Sonic looked to his left, and then to his right. "...and, you'd be right!" Sonic stood up and walked out of the closet. "Ha! Silly me! Walking into a closet! You must think I'm all wiggy-wiggy!"

"The thought had crossed my mind..."

"Well I'm not! The Hedge-cave's over here!" Sonic walked across the hallway and opened up a second blue door opposite to the closet.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Sonic! Would you... wha?" Amy stared blankly as the door opened to reveal a shiny brass pole leading to a large hole in the floor. Sonic immediately jumped on the pole and slid down to God-knows-where. Amy sighed, mouth still hanging open. "I know I'm going to regret this." Amy regrettably jumped on the pole and prepared to join Sonic in God-knows where. After a minute or so, Amy landed on what felt like solid rock, shrouded in total darkness.

"Hold on, I'll get the light!" Amy heard footsteps, followed by the click of a light switch. Suddenly, the entire room was illuminated. Amy's jaw hit the floor.

"Wha... who... how..." Amy was standing in a room that seemed to be equal in size with most airplane hangars, carved out of solid blue rock, containing scores of computers, a vast selection of sports cars and motorcycles, a wall of James Bond-esque gadgets, three small airplanes, a personal chili dog vendor, a shooting range (with pictures of Fatty Fatty Eggman as targets, of course), and a 2-story high steel door with 'Sonic Rulz' painted on it. (In blue paint, of course.)

"D'ya like it? It's my Hedge-cave! Cool, eh?"

"How... when... what... how did you even build this?! This was like... a bathroom two weeks ago!"

"You forget, Amy, that this is a fanfiction we're in. Thus, the laws of time and space do not apply. Note thusly." Sonic snapped his fingers and suddenly a top hat with the words 'Party Naked' on it appeared magically on top of his head. "You see?"

"Right... well then, where's the bathroom now?"

"There isn't one." More silence.

"You... you realize that this is going to create some problems, right?"

"I'm starting to realize that, yes."

-Elsewhere, in a part of the house where there used to be a bathroom door-

Atomsk stood in the hallway, his hands clasped on his crotch, hopping up and down. "YESTERDAY, there was a bathroom door here! TODAY, there is not! If someone doesn't explain to me what the $#!&'s going on SOMEONE IS LOSING A LIMB TONIGHT!"

-Back in da cave-

Amy was still flabbergasted at the sight of the magnificent Hedge-cave. "I am simply astounded. But... refresh my memory. What... EXACTLY... does this have to do with consoling Knuckles, catching Eggman, or this story in general?" Sonic thought.

"Little to nothing at all." Sonic smiled idiotically, idly kicking the blue dust on the ground.

"I thought as much. Well, this has been fun but I think we have to head back to reality, now."

"But... the cave... so awesome... can't leave... " Sonic smile turned into a bizarre grimace.

"Come on Sonic!"

"The cave..."

"COME ON, SONIC!"

"THE CAAAAAAAAAVE!!!!!!!" Sonic's face contorted into an otherworldly scowl which now resembled a character in a Picasso portrait, as seen through a funhouse mirror.

"Oh, FINE! If it makes you happy, we'll chase Eggman in your uber-cool mega-powered Sonic-holy-frick-that's-awesome-mobile."

"The blue one?" Sonic queried through a chipmunk grin.

"FINE! The blue one it is." Amy crossed her arms.

"Yeeee!" Sonic made a series of unusually high-pitched squealing noises while jumping up and down and clapping his fists together. "We'll take the blue one. But first, a chili dog for the road! Amy, hit the chili dog button!" As Sonic made his cheerful way toward the uber-cool mega-powered Sonic-holy-frick-that's-awesome-mobile (which resembled a cross between an Aston Martin and the Batmobile) Amy turned around and found herself faced with a wall (and I mean _wall_) of buttons. At least 13,000 of them, each round, each a glowing blue.

"Um... Sonic?"

"Yes?"

"Which one's the chili dog button?"

"The blue one." Sonic made another series of high-pitched squealing sounds and brought out a key ring with a small remote (blue remote, mind you) on it. Sonic tapped the large button on the center of the remote and the driver-side door opened up with a whoosh of smoke.

(A.N. In the future, all doors will open with a whoosh of smoke.)

Meanwhile, Amy stared catatonically at the rows and rows of buttons, any of which could be considered, 'the blue one'. "Could you be, uh, slightly more specific, Sonic?"

"Uh, okay. It's a round, blue button, on that wall, that if you push it, will cause a delicious chili dog to pop up and shoot right into my open hand. Mmm... chili dog..."

"That's not helping, Sonic!"

"Well fine. Be that way."

"Oh, just shush!" Amy again tried hopelessly to find a button with any kind of chili dog distinction. Eventually, she just started at the top and eeny-meeny-miny-mo'd her way to a button somewhere in the middle of the wall. "Let's just try... this'un!"

Sonic just happened to turn around as Amy's hand made its fateful way to the shiny blue button. The next few events seemed to occur in slow motion, starting with Sonic yelling out a very Hollywood-like, "Noooooooooooo!!!!"

But it was too late.

As the button made its depressing half-inch journey...

(A.N. 'Depressing'... heh... pun... that's upscale humor right there.)

...Sonic could only foresee the terror about to unfold. A loud bleep signified that the button had, indeed, been fully pressed, and that loud bleep was followed by the even louder sound of the uber-cool mega-powered Sonic-holy-frick-that's-awesome-mobile exploding. -EXPLOSION SOUND-

"NOOOOO!!! NOT THE UBER-COOL MEGA-POWERED SONIC-HOLY-FRICK-THAT'S-AWESOME-MOBILE!!!"

Sonic could only watch as shards from his precious automobile began flying across the Hedge-cave, embedding themselves in various walls, ceilings, and computers. In an act of sheer coincidence, a selection of shrapnel pieces managed to fly directly into the wall of blue buttons, hitting, by sheer coincidence, each and every one of the automotive-self-destruct buttons.

"THIS... IS... NOT... HAPPENING!!!"

Thousands of pounds of hot metal whizzed through the air like a horde of misshapen fireworks, destroying everything except for Sonic and Amy, who took shelter behind Fatty Fatty Eggman. As the last few bits of shrapnel coincidentally hit the 3 small-aircraft-self-destruct buttons, Sonic took a few moments to ponder why he had installed self-destruct mechanisms into everything in the Hedge-cave in the first. In yet another coincidence, Amy took that exact moment to yell out, "WHY THE $#!& DID YOU INSTALL SELF-DESTRUCT MECHANISMS INTO EVERYTHING IN THE HEDGE-CAVE?!"

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time..." -MORE LOUD EXPLOSIONS- "Oh, man! Not the motorcycles, too!"

"OH, $#!& THE MOTORCYCLES!"

"Amy! Language!" As the dust and debris settled, Sonic took a few sobering seconds to gaze at the devastation that surrounded him. Everything, and I mean everything, was destroyed. The vehicles were gone. The gadgets were gone. The computers were gone. Everything was destroyed. Everything except... "MY PERSONAL CHILI DOG VENDOR!!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!!"

Sonic rushed himself across the debris to see if it was real. And, indeed, it was. His magical, mechanical, chili-dog-makin' machine was still alive, and boasted not a scratch. "I'm... so... happy..."

"Whoop-de-doo, Sonic."

"This deserves a celebration! Chili dogs all around!" Sonic moseyed his way over to the wall of blue buttons, ripping out some of the larger chunks of embedded metal. "By the way, Amy..." Sonic pointed to the blue button directly to the right of the one Amy had pressed. "..._this_ is the chili dog button." Amy and Sonic exchanged glares as Sonic tapped the supposedly _real_ chili dog button with his knuckle. Within seconds, a panel in the roof slid open and a 16 ton weight was dropped rather mercilessly on the totally innocent and utterly defenseless personal chili dog vendor.

(A.N. For the sake of knowledge, the _really real_ chili dog button was precisely 13 rows down and 56 columns to the left of the button that Sonic pressed. How Sonic could be so far off, button-wise, in a cave that _he himself_ designed is something we may never know.)

After a moments -cough- minutes -cough- of total silence and dropped-jaw-ed-ness on Sonic's part, Amy patted Sonic on the back and began to make her way across the war-stricken cave to the nearest exit. "Well, I guess we'll have to eat out today. Not to mention the fact that we now have to take Shadow's car."

"Sha... Shadow's car?" Sonic's eye twitched noticably.

-Some time later-

"You know, I used to think that it was impossible to fit seven people into a brown Geo Metro, and boy did you prove me right." Sonic glared at Shadow from the back seat, where he was squished (from all sides) between Rouge, Atomsk, and Knuckles.

"I told you to shut up, Sonic. This was all I could get on such short notice, considering how my other car mysteriously disappeared."

"I suppose... say, has anyone seen Cream lately?"

-Somewhere in Mexico-

In a darkened room, two figures stand enshrouded in shadow. A single lightbulb illuminates the center of the area, where a heavy-set man in a mustache is tied haphazardly to a wooden chair. One of the darkened figure steps forward. "I got you the 'stuff' you needed, Ricardo. And all I asked for was the money I so richly deserved. I have yet to receive this money, Ricardo. This worries me. And when I get worried, people get hurt."

"Please, don't! I will get you the money, Cream! I... I only need a little more time! A week at most!"

"A week?"

"Yes! A week! I promise! I give you my word!" The man in the chair squirmed and sweat as the darkened figure circled him slowly. The darkened figure suddenly leaned into the light, placing her hands on the back of the chair.

"Well, Ricardo, you're in luck today. Because, I happen to think that you're telling the truth."

"Really?! Oh, thank you! Thank you, Cream!"

"However..." Cream made her way back to the front of the chair as the second, noticeably tinier dark figure made its way into the light. "...my friend here thinks that you are a big..." The small blue figure pulled out a chain gun (from nowhere) which seemed much to large for him to carry. "...fat..." Cream stepped back into the darkness. "...LIAR!!!"

"No! NO!!!!!"

-Back in the car-

"Yeah, Cream never seems to be around here."

"You've got a point. What is she up to these days?"

"Who knows. Nothing special, I imagine."

"Hey, where's Tails?"

"Tied to the roof."

"Oh. That's okay then."

"So, can we go already? I can't sit this way for too long."

"Sit what way?"

"With my knees behind my ears!"

"Oh... okay. Let's move it! Shadow?" Shadow put the key into the ignition and twisted it into place. As the engine came to life, Shadow slammed on the gas as the car barreled into the garage door. As the fuzzy seven came back to their senses, Shadow muttered something about reverse gear and backed out of the driveway.

At last, team Sonic was on the road again.

"On the road again... I can't wait to get on the road again..."

"Oh, for the love of Pete, is Tails singing again?"

"He always sings."

"Yeah, I guess, but... wait... WHO GAVE HIM A BANJO?"

"That's a good question. And for that matter, how'd he learn to play so well?"

"This is gonna be a long trip..."

INTERMISSION

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Why don't you go enjoy a delicious beverage?

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Or perhaps some lovely microwaveable popcorn?

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Maybe you have to use the bathroom?

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Seriously, find something to do. I got, like, nothing for the next five minutes.

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I'm not kidding.

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Intermission, dude.

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Just killin' time.

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Come on, don't be like that.

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I'm doing the best I can.

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Okay, okay! Intermission over. One more set of dots.

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END INTERMISSION (You just HAD to be pushy about it.)

-Somewhere in the middle of Nebraska-

As the tiny Geo puttered its way down some lonesome highway in the middle of Nebraska, carrying the six fuzzy heroes (seven if you count the banjo-playing freak who was strapped to the roof) to their final destination, Sonic tried desperately to cope with his less-than-luxurious surroundings. "I think that several of my joints have fused together in unnatural ways. Are we anywhere close to 'there' yet?"

"In a while. Just be quiet."

"So where is this secret base of Eggman's located, anyway?"

"It is located in a secret location, in the middle of Nowhere. Nowhere, Alabama, to be specific. The exact coordinates are only known by one human: Martin Farmsworth McCollywoddle. However, he died in an unfortunate grain-thresher-related accident."

"Ah. Wait... what about Eggman?"

"Not even he knows the location of his secret base."

"Wow. Wait, WHAT? How's that supposed to work? How's he supposed to make his way to a base that he doesn't even know the location of?"

"He can't. As far as we can tell, that place has been deserted for, like, the last seven years."

"Right. Sooo... where are WE going?"

"El Fatso has a testing facility in Nevada somewhere. We assume that's where he is at the moment. Probably working on some kind of warped experiment, no doubt..."

"Yes. No doubt..."

-Back in El Fatso's test lab-

"_**-K-SHOOK- Right! Let's begin the next warped experiment! Test two! Pastrami and turkey on rye with iceberg lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and... SWISS CHEESE!!! -K-SHOOK-"**_

Eggman shook with delight as one of his henchmen placed the sandwich on the center pedestal. "The sandwich is ready, sir!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Excellent! Firing the laser!!! -K-SHOOK-" **_Eggman slammed down the big, red, shiny button with unmatched enthusiasm, then quickly pirouetted around to witness the result. Again, the machine began flashing and twitching and rumbling and generally spazzing out. Again, a great beam of light shot out and hit the poor, defenseless sandwich. Again, Eggman giggled in a highly... non-masculine way. Then...

-LOUD BANGING SOUND-

Eggman jumped up and down impatiently, waiting for the smoke to clear again. When it did, the look on Eggman's face could only be described as...

...confused.

"_**-K-SHOOK- -silence- -K-SHOOK-"**_ Eggman stared at the pedestal where the sandwich had been. Now, in its place, there was something else. A roundish object, colored off-white, about the size of a basketball now took center stage. _**"-K-SHOOK- Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? We have... -K-SHOOK-" **_Eggman squinted._** "-K-SHOOK- ...an egg? What kind of weirdness is this? Underlings, give me the readouts! -K-SHOOK-"**_

Down on the floor, a couple of nameless henchmen began ticking away at computer keyboards. "We're getting something on the foreign object, sir."

"_**-K-SHOOK- Well? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Sir, I've got a PRCQ rating of 3.765."

"_**-K-SHOOK- Okay, what about you? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"I've got elevated TSP numbers and a Q rate of 78."

"_**-K-SHOOK- Fair enough. And you? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, sir."

"_**-K-SHOOK- Are they all a-standing in a row? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Yes, sir. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your-"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Yes, yes, fine, fine. What does all this data tell us, gentlemen? -K-SHOOK-" **_A silence filled the air.

"Um... we... don't know, sir."

"Yeah, it just looks like a bunch of letters and numbers to me, sir." Eggman smacked his forehead.

"_**-K-SHOOK- Imbeciles! What do you think I pay you for? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"You... don't pay us at all, sir."

"_**-K-SHOOK- You're darn right I don't with sloppy work like this! Now get back to your duties before I break out my size-17 steel-toed footwear and go MEDIEVAL on your sorry-"**_

"Sir! Wait! Look! The egg!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- What are you jabbering about now? -K-SHOOK-" **_Eggman turned to look at the egg-like thingamabob, which was now shaking and rattling and bouncing all over the pedestal like a Mexican jumping bean's bigger, meaner, whiter brother. _**"-K-SHOOK- What's going on? What is... gasp! The egg! It's... it's..."**_

"It's hatching, sir!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Shut up! That was my line! Two hours in the box of pain for you tonight! -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Oh, not again..."

"_**-K-SHOOK- Now, where was I? Oh yes. -ahem- It's... it's... it's HATCHING!!! -K-SHOOK-"**_

-Back in the car, again-

"...and that's why I'm afraid of Regis Philbin."

"Well, what an -yawn- enlighteningly boring story that was, Rouge."

"Hey, it killed four hours."

"I think you mean 'slaughtered'."

"You got that wight!"

"Yes. Wait..." Sonic leaned over and looked out the window. "TWIGGY?!?!"

"Howdy!!" In true freak form, Twiggy was riding down the highway on a brownish moped, with streamers on the handlebars.

"How'd you get here? And what are you doing in Nebraska, anyway?"

"Well, I was wowking, at NASA, twying to cweate the wowld's fiwst wocket-powewed didgewidoo, when suddenly-"

"Never mind, Twiggy. Just... just never mind."

"Suit youwself."

"So... where are you headed?"

"Gweenland."

"And... you're going to Greenland on a moped?"

"Yep!"

"Okay. I will resist the urge to ask for details." Amy opened her mouth as if to say something, but Sonic stopped her. "Believe me, you don't want to know either way."

"I was just going to say, Sonic, that I didn't know that Twiggy could drive in the first place." Sonic turned to face Twiggy, who was now scratching head head as if in thought. Sonic sighed deeply.

"You can't drive, can you Twiggy?" Twiggy smiled then began shaking his handlebars back and forth, swerving from side to side.

"Nope!" Twiggy then made a hard left turn into a concrete wall.

-CRASH-

Sonic just looked at Amy with a sneer. "You just HAD to say something, didn't you."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"If he isn't okay, does anyone care?"

"Point made."

"Good. Let's keep driving."

-A few hours later-

"Say, Tails has been pretty quiet for the last couple of hours. Is he still tied to the roof?"

"Let's find out." Shadow slammed on the brakes and watched as a lone banjo was flung off the roof of the car, landing on a cow.

"No! My precious Banji!"

"He's still there. Unfortunately."

"Come back, Banji! Come back!"

"Relax, spaz. It's just a banjo."

"It was MY banjo and HIS name was BANJI!"

"Say, right, whatever. Say, what were you doing up there for the last few hours, anyway?"

"For your information, I was composing a lengthy banjo concerto with vocal accompaniment." Sonic and Shadow looked at each other.

"That seems like a bit of a stretch for you, Tails."

"I think what he means is he's come up with a banjo-themed version of '1,000,000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall'. Right Tails?" Tails was quiet for a moment.

"To-may-to, to-mah-to."

"I thought as much. Let's get back on the road, Shad-man."

"Wait, don't you guys want to hear my new song?" Sonic and Shadow looked at each other again.

"I think that I would rather have my tonsils removed without anesthesia by a blind Albanian doctor who uses garden shears and is prone to violent muscle spasms."

"So... do you want to hear it?"

"That's a no, Tails."

"Oh." For a single, shining second, silence was present in the minuscule automobile.

One second.

One.

"Why don't you want to hear my song?"

"Because I think that it'll be about as enjoyable as a swift kick in the nether regions."

"How do you know?"

"I'm just guessing."

"Well, I'll tell you what: I'll sing my song, and you can tell me what you think after I'm done!"

"No..."

"I think you'll like it."

"NO..."

"Don't worry, it's only 6 hours long."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-6 very, very, VERY painful hours later-

The mood in the car had changed considerably. The faces of the brave six had been twisted into permanent grimaces. Each visage showcased a unique vision of depression and anguish. Tensions were high, morale was low, thoughts of suicide were abundant. The only consolation was that it would all soon be over.

"17 banjos just... lying around... 17 banjos around... take one down... play it... for a bit... 16 banjos just lying around! 16 banjos..."

"MOMMY, MAKE IT STOP!!!! MAKE... IT... STOOOOOOPPPPP!!!!" Despite the hysterical sobbing and attempts to gnaw his own leg off as a means of escape, Sonic seemed to be holding up the best out of those in the car. As for the others... well... they weren't doing so well.

"...take one down... play it for a bit... 13 banjos just lying around! 12 banjos..."

Amy spent the majority of the song shivering and twitching in an unnatural position after spending the first two hours of the song attempting to squeeze herself into the glove compartment. Knuckles spent the time drooling and giggling to himself in a mentally unstable fashion while holding a flamethrower up to his head and referring to himself as Susan. Shadow, who was behind the wheel, rolled down his window and shouted obscenities at little children while driving on the wrong side of the road. Rouge stuffed a tennis shoe into each ear and then sealed herself in a plastic garbage bag where she cried herself to sleep. Atomsk was the luckiest of the group, though. Early on in the song he bashed himself on the skull repeatedly with a clock radio until he lost consciousness.

"...play it for a bit... 2 banjos just lying around! 2 banjos just..."

"It's nearly over! IT'S NEARLY OVER! HALLELUJAH!!!" Amy removed herself from the glove box.

"Is it... is it true? Is the horror nearly over? IS IT?!?!?!"

"YES! YES IT IS!! HOLD ON, AMY!!! HOLD ON, EVERYONE!!!"

"...1 banjo just lying around! 1 banjo just lying around..."

"YES!! YES!!! FINISH IT!!! QUICKLY!!!"

"...1 banjo around..."

"COME ON!!! WE'RE NEARLY THROUGH THIS!!!"

"...take it down... play it for a bit..."

"COME ON!!!"

"...play it for a bit..."

"COME... ON!!!!"

"...play it for a bit..."

"COME ON!!! COME ON COME ON COME ON!!!"

And...

Just then...

Another silence entered the car...

A silence that had not been heard for 6 hours...

And what followed...

Could only be described as 'apocalyptic'...

"COME ON, TAILS!!! WHAT'S THE HOLDUP?!?! FINISH THE $#!& SONG SO WE CAN ALL GET ON WITH OUR LIVES!!! PLEASE!!! I'M BEGGING YOU!!!"

-silence-

"Well, wouldn't you know it. I've forgotten the words. I'll just have to start over!"

(A.N. The following sound effect gets the R.B. Splishy Award for 'Longest Sound Effect In A Sonic Fic'. Enjoy.)

-THE COMBINED CRACKING AND SHATTERING SOUND OF SIX PEOPLE'S HOPES AND DREAMS BEING DESTROYED AND COMPACTED INTO A CAR-SIZED VORTEX OF SADNESS-

In that second, as Tails began the horror show for an agonizing second time, everyone's eye twitched simultaneously, and everyone's heart sank deep into their stomachs. Would they really have to relive the terror and anguish a SECOND time?!

"No... NO..."

Shadow knew; this was the time for action.

"NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN!!!!! THIS... ENDS... NOW!!!!"

-SCREECH-

Shadow clenched his teeth and slammed on the brakes with every ounce of rage in his body, nearly destroying the pedal. True, it was an unwise move to make while on the freeway, but this was not a time to be concerned with such details. "I am NOT going to SIT for THIS!!!" Shadow immediately turned the car around and began looking for the nearest exit ramp (while avoiding the large fiery accident caused by his sudden stop in the middle of the road). "I am going to end this ONCE AND FOR ALL!!"

Sonic looked up at Shadow through tear-drenched eyes. "Whe- where are you going?"

Shadow responded in a loud and demonic voice, "I'M GOING TO HOME DEPOT!!!!!"

(A.N. Insert dramatic music here. I mean, I can't really do it myself, can I? I mean, I CAN, but you can't really hear it where you are. This is just text and all. You know what? Screw it. Move on to the next scene. Back to Fatty Fatty Eggman.)

-Back in Dr. Fatso's base-

"_**-K-SHOOK- It's... it's... it's HATCHING!!! -K-SHOOK-"**_

(A.N. Yes, I realize that it's been over six hours in fanfic time and the egg is still hatching. Luckily, time is rarely a fixed construct in fanfictions. So... bite me!)

"Sir! What do you want us to do?"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Just bugger off right now! I want to see what pops out of this thing! -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Righty-o, sir!" The underlings left the test area with haste as Eggman stared at the rapidly gyrating egg. Suddenly, a tiny crack appeared, right on the top. That was followed by another crack, and then another, until the top of the egg looked like it was ready to cave in.

"_**-K-SHOOK- Go on! Go on! -K-SHOOK-"**_

Suddenly, the top of the egg burst open, and something could be seen coming out of it. A claw... or maybe a talon?

"_**-K-SHOOK- Go on! GO ON! -K-SHOOK-"**_

A second claw-like thing appeared, and the egg began to further disintegrate. Within seconds, the egg was nothing but an empty shell, and the creature that emerged was most certainly one-of-a-kind.

It was...

"_**-K-SHOOK- Could it be? Could it actually be? We... have... DRAGON!!! -K-SHOOK-" **_That's right. From out of the egg came a real, bona fide, honest-to-goodness dragon. It was about 3 feet long, and was colored a light purple. _**"-K-SHOOK- We have dragon! WE HAVE DRAGON! -K-SHOOK-" **_Eggman quickly glanced to the left and right. _**"-K-SHOOK- SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Good work, sir! Very cool!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Quiet! This is no time for tomfoolery! This is a time for serious action and stern professionalism! Go do... something! Something important! But... not too important! Find a nice middle ground. -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Right, sir!" As Underling #23 walked away, Eggman stared at the freshly-hatched dragon that was now circling the giant laser with all the flight skill of the Red Baron himself.

"_**-K-SHOOK- Hmmm... I think I'll call you... Spyro! Spyro the Dragon! -K-SHOOK-"**_ Everybody in the building turned to face Eggman. _**"-K-SHOOK- What? WHAT? What's wrong? Have you got a problem with my taste in names? -K-SHOOK-" **_Nobody in the building blinked. Eggman sighed and grumbled. _**"-K-SHOOK- Okay, FINE! We'll call him Norman! Norman McDragonpants! Is everyone happy now? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"I'm relatively satisfied!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Well, isn't that special! Triple beatings for everyone tonight! Now... Underlings #12, #13, and #2784! -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Yes sir?"

"Yes sir?"

"Yes sir?"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Prepare... TEST 3!!!! -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Gasp!"

"Gasp!"

"Well, $#!& me!"

-In the parking lot of Home Depot-

Shadow parked the car haphazardly in the center of the lot, amazingly managing to take up six spaces at once. He then proceeded to turn off the engine, step out of the car, and slam the door hard enough to shatter the window.

(A.N. The current world record for parking misfortune belongs to Mr. Cardinal Lemming, who managed to park a stretch limousine in 13 spaces at once, outside of a convenience store in Wisconsin. Now THAT'S some information you can use in life.)

"I'll be back in a minute."

"Okey-dokey..." Sonic waved Shadow off and went to sit back down. "So... Knuckles... seen any good movies lately?"

"My name is Susan, and I don't like movies."

"I see..."

-Inside the Home Depot-

Shadow stepped through the automatic doors and gazed at the vast array of hardware-related stuff before him. "Hmm... this may take a while..." Shadow began his journey down aisle one with a sigh. "This is for the greater good. As in, this is for MY greater good."

After a few minutes of meandering, Shadow had his first encounter with a member of the Home Depot staff. "Do you need any assistance, sir?"

"I need no help from a weakling like you!" Shadow spun around and cocked his leg back in preparation for a visit with the intruder's shin. However, after realizing that the man behind him was not technically an enemy who required instant annihilation, Shadow reluctantly set his foot back on the ground. "Um... -cough- ...yeah. What I meant to say was 'Could you please guide me to the area where you keep your instruments of death?'"

"Ex- excuse me?"

"Could you show me to your power tools..." Shadow glanced at the employee's name tag. "...Jim?"

"Cer- certainly, sir." The employee hesitantly smiled and began walking towards the power tool area. "Thi- this way s- sir."

"Wonderful."

After a minute or so of walking (during which Jim cursed the fact that he always seemed to pick the job where the wackos turn up) Shadow came face to face with the display of his dreams. "Here we are, s- sir."

Shadow just stared in pure glee and admiration. "That... is a fine wall of chainsaws." Yep. Chainsaws. A whole wall full of 'em. Big ones, small ones, weird-lookin' ones, and some that just screamed 'You can cut down a lot more than trees with me, kiddo'. Perfect.

"Top of the l- line, sir. We only car- carry the finest cutting m- machines around, s- sir."

"Beautiful. Simply beautiful." Shadow stared at the wall of happiness like a kid staring through a toy store window. So many options... so much power... But then, he saw something. Something in the tip top row. Something that was just... awesome. "Let me take a closer look at that one." Shadow pointed to the beaut staring back at him.

"The W- Widowmaker 3000? Isn't- isn't that a bit extreme?"

"I'll tell you when things are getting extreme around here! Now shut up and fetch me my killing machine- I mean gardening implement!"

"R- right away!" Jim (who was on the verge of a bladder-related emergency) made like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a genetically engineered cheetah and retrieved the Widowmaker faster than you can say 'Wishahaddadoddlewonkywizzleberrysnap'. "H- here you go!"

"Wonderful! Wonderful!" Shadow felt the adrenaline rush through his body. Black and red... 6 feet long... this was it. This was the machine he'd been waiting for all his life. "I'll take it!"

"Oh, thank heavens. Have a nice day, sir!" Jim began walking away.

"Oh, just one question, Jim." Jim inhaled sharply and turned around.

"Yes?"

"How quickly d'ya suppose this thing could cut through a human femur?"

"WHAT?"

"I mean, how quickly could this this cut through an oak tree?"

Jim forced a smile as his eye twitched, and spoke slowly through clenched teeth. "I'm... sorry... sir... I'm... on... my... break... now. Have... a... nice... day." Jim turned around and walked slowly away, muttering something about getting a job in Iceland. Shadow scoffed.

"Worthless humans. Oh well. I might as well pay for this thing now. NOT!" Shadow popped a spare Chaos Emerald out of... somewhere. "CHAOS CONTROL!!!"

-SPECIAL EFFECTS-

With a flash of light, Shadow was transported into the parking lot with his new best friend. "Who needs money?"

"I do!"

"Quiet, hobo."

Noticing the bright flash, Sonic pressed his face against the window. "Oh, you're finally back, Shadow. Well that took you long en- HOLY GUACAMOLE! WHAT... IS.. THAT?!?!" Shadow smiled.

"This is Margerie. She's my friend." Shadow stroked the chainsaw and gave it a quick kiss.

"And, -gulp- what are you proposing to do with... Margerie?"

"Heh..." Shadow just smiled and walked toward the car. Upon arriving he made a beeline for Tails, who was, _still_, atop the car. Sans Banji, of course. Shadow just stared at Tails, then at Margerie, then at Tails again. "Heh heh heh..."

"What? What?" Shadow leaned in towards Tails.

"The doctor is in, Miles."

* * *

YAY!!! We're back! And isn't it awesome. Coming soon (and I mean it this time) in episode XIII-What will Shadow do to Tails? What is Test 3? Why doesn't Susie like movies? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? We may never know. Episode XIII-The Happy Waffle Club (And Other Crimes Against Humanity) 


	13. The Happy Waffle Club

Death Bologna

* * *

Hey, look at this! A second update in the same year. I am on a roll! 

Seriously though, I'm back on track for good this time. Enjoy.

* * *

-There was a farmer had a dog and DISCLAIMER was his name-o- 

What a weird farmer. Anyway, I do not own Sonic, Sega, Red Bull, Fruit Roll-Ups, Hasbro, Coca Cola, Home Depot, or anything related. However, I do own... um... Twiggy. Yep. That's about it. Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

* * *

Episode XIII-The Happy Waffle Club (And Other Crimes Against Humanity) 

"_Are you awake, Tails?"_

"W- what?"

"_Are you awake, Tails?"_

"What?"

"_I SAID, 'ARE YOU AWAKE?'"_ Sonic grabbed Tails and shook him around like an Etch-A-Sketch, giving him a couple of good slaps. -SLAP- -SLAPSLAP- _"You awake now?!"_ Tails finally opened his eyes.

"Yes! Yes! I'm awake! Sweet criminy... where am I?" Sonic leaned into Tails' face.

"You're in the parking lot of Home Depot, Tails. And now, I'm going to tie you to the top of the car."

"NO-" -fumble fumble fumble-

-A minute or so later-

"There, that wasn't so bad, now was it?"

"At least you didn't use the shovel this time..."

"That-a-boy. By the way, do you feel like singing, Tails?"

"Of course not! I've just been shaken, slapped, and forcibly strapped onto the hood of an automobile!" Sonic and Shadow both smiled.

"Doctor Shadow, I commend you. The operation was a success."

"Operation? What operation?"

"Oh, nothing, Tails. By the way, how does your head feel?"

"Fine, I guess... hurts a bit... wait..." Tails reached up and felt his forehead. He felt... something. "What is this... a bandage? Wait... WHY DID YOU BANDAGE MY HEAD UP? SHADOW! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HEAD?!?!"

"Oh, relax, Tails. It was all for the better."

"WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU... wait! I think it's all coming back to me now! I think I'm gonna have a-"

-FLASHBACK-

"Thank you!"

-NO PROBLEM-

All of the sights and sounds flooded back into Tails' mind. Tails narrated as each new scene returned to his memory. _"Okay, so I remember Shadow rushing into Home Depot, after I forgot the last line to my song. Then, a few minutes later he came running back, carrying this... BEHEMOTH of a chainsaw."_

"The doctor is in, Tails."

"_Then, he untied me, threw me into a burlap sack, and dragged me off."_

"Stop struggling, Tails!" -WHACK-

"Ow!" -STUFF-

"There we go."

"_So, he drags me off, heading to God-knows-where, and then all of a sudden he dumps me onto this steel table."_

-DUMP- "Ow! Hey... where are we?"

"_We were in this dark room, with brick walls lined with power tools and various sharp instruments. Shadow began putting on these rubber doctor-gloves."_

"This is..." -GLOVE SNAP- "...my office." -GLOVE SNAP- "Isn't it cozy?"

"This place looks like the basement of a serial killer."

"Wow. Spot on. I must remember to thank my decorator."

"Hey, who's that big guy in the corner with the beard and the tattoos and the scars and the leather jacket?"

"That's Nurse Johnson. He'll be overseeing the operation today. Nurse! Would you come over here and strap down the patient?"

"Right away, boss."

"_Nurse Johnson strapped me down to the table with a series of car safety belts that looked like they were stolen from a bunch of old Buicks."_

"Nice and tight." -PULL-

"Ow! Too! tight! Circulation! Losing!"

"That'll do, nurse."

"_Then Shadow put on a surgeon's mask, making him look like the doctor from H-E-double-hockey-sticks..."_

"Alright. Let's get this underway. My name's Shadow, I'll be your mal-practitioner today... heh heh..."

"That's not funny, Shadow!"

"It's funny and you know it. Nurse! Scalpel!"

"_Then 'Nurse Johnson' walked in and handed Shadow his chainsaw..."_

"I couldn't find a scalpel. Will this work?"

"Perfectly..."

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME?!?!"

"I'm going to cure you, Tails."

"_As Shadow began walking towards me with that thing... I could feel my heart pounding like... like... something that pounds a lot..."_

_  
"For Pete's sake..."_

"_As he got closer, he said..."_

"Don't worry, Tails. The anesthesia should be kicking in any second now. You won't feel a thing."

"But... you didn't give me any anesthesia!!!"

"Oh, right. Well, in that case, this is gonna hurt like a mother."

"No! NOOOO!!!!!"

-END FLASHBACK-

"What happened next?"

"My memory is a bit fuzzy..."

"...Like the rest of you..."

"...But it doesn't matter! He cut open my head! You monster!!!" Shadow rolled his eyes.

"Oh, come on. You're always jumping to conclusions."

"You came at me with a chainsaw! What else were you gonna do?!"

"FYI, there were a million things I 'could' have done. Besides, I'm not gonna waste a sharp chain on a sorry little meatbag like you. However, if you were actually a bag full of meat, then..."

"I get it. So what DID you do?"

"Yes. Enlighten us, Shadow."

"I can't, I left my flashlight at home." -RIM SHOT- Everyone turned to stare at Shadow. "Oh, God, did I actually say that? I've been hanging around you corn muffins for far too long."

"Did he just call us corn muffins?"

"Let it slide, Knuckles. Let it slide." Sonic cleared his throat. "So, Shadow, you were about to tell us about what _really_ happened with Tails?"

"Oh yes. Now would be a good time for a..." Silence. "AS I WAS SAYING, now would be a good time for a..." Shadow waited as nothing happened.

"What are you babbling about now?"

"I'm just saying, now would be a good time for a... thing... that starts with the letter F... and rhymes with 'smashtack'..." Shadow waited a couple more seconds. "Oh, go to hell."

"What'd I do?"

"Not you!"

"Well who are you talking to?"

"Just... never mind. So, as I was saying, what actually-"

-FLASHBACK-

_"Oh, FINALLY. Y'know, I oughtta-"_

-END FLASHBACK-

"What the... -grumble-. Fine. Be that way. As I was say-"

-FLASHBACK-

_"Oh, now you're just toying with me."_

-END FLASHBACK-

"I'm warning you..."

-FLASH...-

"Come on..."

-...FORWARD-

"That's it! YAARGH!"

What the-trhhtbd8hp6[opoho0-jo0i y yphp00h48 htrh9stnr8s9h890m89ma-a3-mu8amy8hw45uiy24gbh0te9h450-hj45b0-e-erfbjesvrnbfiopnbtehgrjngrj nb bgnjkbdg bk bdj fkgjfnki jgrbd bf HELPMEHELPME8e89bfyn n24 890-0900ozjk rfknliyusuyaktakycytcuctcvsok-ovo3425nmt24llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

(A.N. Ugh... uh... -cough cough-... um... well, for the confused amongst you, what happened was -cough- after the 'flash-forward' thing, Shadow got rather angry -cough, wheeze- and proceeded to jump out of the fanfic and into my room, in the form of a 6-letter word in Trebuchet font. He then proceeded to pummel me rapidly -cough cough- using his large S, slamming me into the keyboard several times leaving me bloody and bruised. I eventually -sniffle- landed unconsciously on the letter L, and I have just woken up. Using whatever -cough cough- energy I have left, I shall try to restore order.)

"Take that, Kinetikai! And let me tell you something, if you ever-" Shadow stood silently as an ending quotation mark appeared mysteriously in the middle of his speech. Somewhere off in the distance, a teenager with a computer began laughing maniacally.

(A.N. This chapter seemed to take a bit of a surreal turn, eh? Oh, well. Let's get things back on track.)

-POOF!-

"So, Shadow, you were about to tell us about what _really_ happened with Tails?"

"Oh yes. Now would be a good time for a..."

-FLASHBACK-

"Thank you."

-DON'T HURT ME! I MEAN, DON'T MENTION IT.-

_Shadow coughed and went on to tell his side of the story. "So, after Nurse Johnson had strapped the Amazing Orange Imbecile to the table, I put on my mask, grabbed Margerie, and walked over to Tails..."_

"_Where you cut my head open!"_

"_Shut up. This is my flashback."_

-IT'S HIS FLASHBACK!-

_ "Darn right! So, as I was saying..."_

"Don't worry, Tails. The anesthesia should be kicking in any second now. You won't feel a thing."

"But... you didn't give me any anesthesia!!!"

"Oh, right. Well, in that case, this is gonna hurt like a mother."

"No! NOOOO!!!!!"

"HYAAAAA!!!" -WHACK-

"_I whacked Tails upside the head with the butt of my chainsaw..."_

-WHACK- -WHACK- -WHACK-

"_...a couple of dozen times."_

-WHACK- "Tails..." -WHACK- "...don't..." -WHACK- "...EVER..." -WHACK- "...sing..." -WHACK- "...that..." -WHACK- "...STUPID..." -WHACK- "...BLOODY..." -WHACK- "...SONG..." -WHACK- "...AGAIN!!!" -WHACKWHACKWHACK-

"_That seems a bit excessive, Shadow."_

"_I think it was worth it."_

-WHACK-

-END FLASHBACK-

"So you basically just knocked Tails into next week with the back end of a chainsaw."

"Basically."

"You don't think there will be any lasting damage, do you?"

"Meh."

"Works for me. Tails, quit your whining. We're getting back on the road."

"Okey-dokey! Let's get back on the... -twitch- PICKLED FISH PASTE!!!!" Everyone turned to look at Tails.

"Would you consider that 'lasting damage?'"

"Hasn't he always been like that?"

"To an extent..."

"Precisely. Let's get a-going! Ding dong!"

"Ding dong!"

"Ding dong!"

"Ding dong!"

"Ding dong!"

Shadow turned around in his seat and stared at the other fuzzballs. "What's... what's going on? Did I miss something?"

"Never you mind, young dippitydoo!" Shadow blinked several times.

"Did you just call me a-"

"Tut tut! Now is not the time for chittery-chattery, O Dippitydoo! Ding dong!"

"Ding dong!"

"Ding dong!"

"Ding dong!"

"Ding dong!"

"Okay, seriously, was I late for some kind of meeting, or-"

"DING DONG!"

"Okay! Okay..." Shadow started up the engine, chalked the previous dialogue up to sugar and group psychosis, and exited the parking lot.

-The next day-

Running off of a potent combination of pixie sticks and Red Bull, Shadow drove through the night and into the morning. Luckily for everyone, during this time Tails had resisted the urge to sing or otherwise annoy everyone. However, in an effort to counteract the happiness within the car, a new problem arose. "Sonic, I'm hungry!"

"Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm squashed in the back here! Grab a Fruit Roll-Up and shut up."

"But... we're out of Fruit Roll-Ups!" Shadow slammed on the brakes, bring the car to it's second screeching stop on a public freeway.

"NO... FRUIT... ROLL-UPS?!?!?!" Shadow turned around in his seat, fury building in his eyes. "I am NOT going to SIT for THIS!!!"

"Hey, come on, Shadow! It's... it's not that bad! We can always go get some more!" Shadow turned back to face the steering wheel.

"Oh... right." Shadow began driving again. "I mean, they're only just -cough- Fruit Roll-Ups. It's... not the end of the world." Shadow tore open a handful of pixie sticks, emptying the contents into his mouth with a twitch.

"Exactly..."

"Well, I'm still hungry!"

"Tough bananas, Tails."

"Squishy avocados, Sonic!"

"A handful of grapes that are mildly firm to the touch, Knuckles!"

"Seriously, did I not get a pamphlet or something? Is there an e-mail I should have read, or what?"

"Never you mind."

"Stop saying that!" Shadow ripped open and gulped down another handful of hyper sticks.

"Sonic, I'm huuuungry!"

"I don't caaaaaare!

"Actually, I'm getting a bit hungry too, Sonic."

"Not you too, Amy!"

"Come on, Sonic. Let's find somewhere to eat."

"Can't you just pretend you're not hungry?"

"No, Sonic."

"How about you just eat Knuckles?"

"He's not even dead!"

"A relatively easy fix..."

"No, Sonic!!!"

"Oh, fine! Shadow, take this exit. Maybe there's a restaurant around here or something. Say, did anyone notice that 17-car pileup behind us?"

"Driving... quickly..."

-A few minutes of searching later-

"Well, I dunno, Sonic. I mean, we've been wandering around this little town for like, forever, and we haven't even seen the slightest hint of-"

"WAFFLES!!!"

"Quiet, Tails. As I was saying-"

"WAFFLES!!!"

"Quiet, Tails!"

"No, I mean it! Look! Waffles!" Amy looked out the window and saw that most beautiful of sights...

"A waffle house! We're saved!"

"Saved from what?"

"Shut up. Shadow, park the car! We're eating waffles!"

"Oh, joy." Shadow drove indifferently into the waffle house parking lot (which seemed eerily empty for some reason) and parked the car. "We're here."

"Alright then. Let's get some grub." The group hastily exited the automobile and began walking toward the entrance. As they walked, Sonic looked up at the waffle house sign, which, astoundingly, was shaped like a large waffle. "Hmm... 'IWOW: International Wigwam Of Waffles'. Sounds like fun." Sonic pushed open the glass doors and the group walked inside.

The interior of the IWOW was well-kept and relatively run-of-the-mill. The tables, chairs, and booths were all neat and tidy, the floors looked like they were recently swept, and the windows were clean enough to eat toasted marshmallows and thick oatmeal off of.

(A.N. There's not many foods that you can eat off of a window. Think about it.)

The decor was plain and nice enough, and most everything was draped in some shade of beige. It was a lovely little waffle house, perfectly normal in every way... except one. "Where is everybody?"

"That's a good question. It's 11:00 on a Saturday morning in the only waffle house in this town. Where are the hordes of hungry hungry hippos?"

"I don't know." Everyone looked around. "Creepy..."

"HIMYNAMEISCATHYWELCOMETOTHEINTERNATIONALWIGWAMOFWAFFLESMAYIHELPYOU?"

"Holy-!" Knuckles jumped backwards, knocking over the life-sized statue of Doofy Nantucket, the IWOW founder and waffle enthusiast. "What just happened?" A red-headed waitress now stood in front of the furry group. "Where'd you come from?"

"HIMYNAMEISCATHYWELCOMETO-"

"Whoa, whoa! Slow it down, there! Your lips are gonna start a fire!"

"Oh... sorry..." The enthusiastic waitress smiled and giggled. "I must have overreacted. You're the first customers we've had here in quite some time, now."

"I don't doubt it..."

"Come this way, please!" The young lady directed the fuzzy group to a booth by a window, and handed out a set of menus. "My name is Cathy, I'll be your server this morning. So, can I get you some coffee to start?"

"Sure, Cathy. Although I think my dark friend here would prefer a tall glass of liquid rage." Sonic turned to Shadow.

"Yes... I can't start my day without a bit of rage." Shadow's head twitched.

"Righty-o!" Cathy smiled brightly and skittered away to the kitchen with another giggle.

"Well, she seems... enthusiastic."

"Yeah... oh well. Let's just just see what they have to eat here..." The group opened up their menus.

-A few minutes later-

Cathy returned to the table in her usual chirpy fashion. "Here's your coffee and rage! Are you all ready to order?"

"Yes. And may I say, congratulations on finding over 300 ways to prepare waffles. I... would never have thought of that."

"Thank you! We love waffles here at the IWOW! It's what we do best! We love waffles! Waffles waffles waffles!" Cathy was now smiling wider than any human being should ever smile.

"Okay... spaz..."

"So, what can I get you?" Cathy spoke through a very unnerving set of perpetually smiling teeth.

"I will have the Belgian Waffle Supreme with garlic and yogurt."

"I think I'd like the Fiesta Waffle with extra sparklers. What about you, Tails?"

"Waffle!"

"Excellent choice. Shadow?"

"I'll have the Evil Waffle with some evil on the side."

"Let's see... how about the Holy-Freakin'-Crap-That's-A-Big Waffle with the one-gallon jug of syrup... and a Diet Coke."

"For me, the Jarlsberg Wafflette with buttery-flavored whatsits and extra spacklins will do well enough. What about you, Knuckles?"

"Just some pancakes for me." Cathy's eye twitched quite noticeably.

"Ex- excuse me, sir?"

"I just want some pancakes. Thank you." Cathy forced her smile wider as she cocked her head to one side.

"May I suggest a... different dish, sir? Perhaps... something waffle-based?"

"Eh... I'm not in a waffle-y mood today. A nice stack of hotcakes will do well enough." Cathy's smile was becoming forced and now contained a hint of sadistic dementia. "Is... that okay?"

"Su- Sure! One... moment... please!" Cathy tweaked and twitched as she made her way back to the kitchen. Sonic just stared at Knuckles.

"You just have to throw a wrench into everything, Knuckles."

"What? It's just pancakes."

(A.N. Who here thinks that statement is gonna come back to haunt him? Anyone? Anyone?)

-A couple more minutes later-

Cathy returned from the kitchen, carrying a tray that was practically overflowing with waffle-y goodness. "Here comes your food!"

"Wonderful! Looks awesome!" Cathy began handing out plates.

"Here's yours... and yours... and yours..." Cathy passed out each mouthwatering plate to its rightful and hungry owner. "...and yours!"

"Thanks!"

"Great!"

"Lovely!"

"Superb!"

"Freakin' sweet!

"Waffle!"

"Hey, where's mine?" Knuckles looked around at his happily eating friends and glanced down at his remarkably empty portion of the table. Cathy smiled her inhuman smile again.

"Oh, about that; the chef wanted to have a word with you."

"Are you serious? I just wanted some pancakes for crying out loud..." Knuckles started to get up from the table. "Hold on. Is the chef a small, two-dimensional man with a red hat who looks like he's made entirely of small squares?"

"As far as I know, the chef has always been three-dimensional!" Knuckles shrugged.

"Oh well. I won't be gone long."

"Or so you think..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" Cathy smiled and showed Knuckles the way to the kitchen. The others continued eating without a second glance.

"This is great! How's your waffle?"

"Fan-freakin'-tastic! How's that Fiesta Waffle?"

"Muy bien!"

"Stick to English, please."

"Sorry."

"How about your wafflette?"

"Delicious! Decadent! Amberfresious!"

"Amberfresious?"

"I had to invent a word to describe how awesome this thing is."

"Understandable."

The group continued their relentless assault on the poor, defenseless waffles. Each precious bite was tastier than the last; every morsel was blissful and euphoric.

This... was truly a breakfast of the gods.

The group nearly spent a solid two hours eating, stuffing their faces with waffle after waffle until they couldn't manage another bite. "I... am... stuffed!"

"Whoo! That was like... the greatest breakfast in the history of man."

"I concur. Simply wonderful."

"Well... I think we should leave."

"Yes. Check please!" Cathy skittered to the table.

"Here you go, sir!"

"Thank you." Sonic glanced at the check. "The meal was deli- WHAAAAAA?" Sonic took a second look at the check. "SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS?!?!?!?! ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?! ARE YOU TAKING CRAZY PILLS?!?!?!"

"Well, sir, your group DID eat a combined 213 plates of waffles." Sonic looked befuddled.

"YEAH?!?! WELL... I... um... you... SO?!?!?!"

"You can pay up front at the register. Have a nice day."

"Oh, you can stick your nice day up your-"

"Hey, wait a minute. Where's Knuckles?" A short silence filled the air.

"That's a very good question. I thought he was just going for a quick chat with the cook."

"Huh. Weird... oh well. We might as well go."

"Go? What about Knuckles?"

"He'll be okay. It's just a waffle house. He's not in any real danger." Sonic got up from the table with some difficulty (those waffles were really quite filling) and headed over to the cash register. "Knuckle's catch up eventually. I mean, come on. He's Knuckles."

-Meanwhile, in a darkened room...-

"Where... where am I?" Knuckles opened his eyes. He was in some kind of enclosed area, but couldn't see through the darkness. He tried to move his arms; they were bound behind his back. The same went for his feet. As for his body in general, it was tied to a chair. His head was pounding, and he felt concussed.

Suddenly, a dim light leaked into the room from the rightmost wall. Knuckles heard the sound of a door opening, and he could see the outline of a cloaked figure walking into the room. The door slammed shut, and Knuckles was immersed in darkness again, but he could hear footsteps approaching him. All of a sudden, the cloaked figure lit a large flaming torch which illuminated most of the room. Knuckles could see stone walls and a stone floor, plus an enormous, oddly-shaped item covered by a tarpaulin. In the center of the floor was a large, round insignia, carved into the solid rock.

The door opened again, and two more people in dark cloaks walked in, joining the figure in front of Knuckles. "Hello, red one."

"What... what's going on?"

"The Happy Waffle Club is... displeased with your alliance to the blasphemy."

"The happy what? What the cock-a-doodle is a Happy Waffle Club?"

"The Happy Waffle Club is an ancient society that has existed for centuries. And we will smite all blasphemers with an iron fist!"

"What blasphemy? What are you talking about?"

"We do not speak _its_ name, suffice to say _it_ is our sworn enemy, and have made it our mission to destroy _it_, and all of _its_ followers."

"What are you talking about?!? WHAT IS_ IT_?!?!"

"Silence, scum!" -SLAP- "All you must know is that you have committed an unforgivable act which must be dealt with!"

"Oh, is THAT what you're talking about? Listen, I had no idea that goat was lactose intolerant..."

"SILENCE, SCUM!" -SLAP-

"Ow!" The first cloaked figure removed a walkie-talkie from somewhere within his cloak and began speaking into it.

(A.N. Why don't you ever see a cloak with pockets? Even cult members have stuff to carry around. Oh well...)

"Jeremy!"

"_Yes, sir?"_

"We have a feisty one on our hands. Bring in... The Persuader!"

"That can't be good..."

* * *

Oh no! Ding dong! Coming soon in episode XIV-We delve even further into the dark and disturbing world of breakfast cookery. Plus... more Fatty Fatty Eggman! Yay! Episode XIV-Three Tales Of Soul-Sucking Terror 


	14. Three Tales Of Soul Sucking Terror

Death Bologna

* * *

-No animals were harmed in the making of this Disclaimer... well... not many, at least- 

Once more, allow me to stress that I do not own Sonic, Sega, or anything related, even though I obviously deserve it. Right? Right? Oh, shut up.

* * *

Episode XIV-Three Tales Of Soul-Sucking Terror 

Knuckles flinched as the chamber door opened for a second time. A fourth cloak-wearer entered the room, carrying with him a small red box. He made his way over to the first cloaked person's side, and presented the box to him. "Behold, blasphemer, The Persuader!!!" Gallons of sweat dribbled down Knuckles' face as the cloaked man slowly removed the lid from the box. As he reached inside, Knuckles could feel his heart pumping like an engine piston. With one swift move, the cloaked man removed his hand from the box and held in front of him...

...a key. A little gold key. "Haha!!!"

Knuckles was confused, as he could not comprehend how a key could be used as an effective torture device. Nevertheless, Knuckles decided that it was in his best interest to act frightened. "What? Oh, um... oh no! Not the key! PLEASE!!! ANYTHING BUT THE KEY!!!"

"Quiet down, moron. This isn't The Persuader. The Persuader is that big thing in the corner." The cloaked one pointed to the large object that was covered by the tarp. "The key just turns it on."

"Oh, right. I... I knew that."

"Jeremy! Amajabujingo! Bring The Persuader over here!"

"Righty-o!" Two of the four cloak-people ran over to the large item in the corner and began hauling it over to where Knuckles was seated. A few seconds later, the mysterious object was within arms' reach of poor, defenseless, mentally-subnormal Knuckles.

"Excellent..." The cloaked key-holder stood beside the machine and turned to face Knuckles. "Now, red one, you have one last chance to redeem yourself. If you renounce your alliance to the blasphemy, and choose the wafflicious path of yummy gooey righteousness, then you may go free."

"What blasphemy are you talking about?!?!"

"We are talking about the blasphemy that we dare not talk about!"

"Oh, that makes sense..."

"We are talking of the evil force that has tried to invade our realm. The evil force that begins with the letter... P." Knuckles got a confused look on his face.

"P... P..." Knuckles tilted his head to the side. "Paleontology?"

"No!"

"Portugal?"

"No!"

"Porcupine Tree?"

"No!"

"Thank goodness. Well, I have no idea what you guys are talking about, so, if you don't mind, I'd like to get going now; besides, these ropes are beginning to chafe me in some pretty odd places, and I-"

"Enough!!!" -SLAP- "If you will not change your evil ways voluntarily, then we will just have to change you ourselves!" The cloaked man ripped the tarp off of the large object.

"What... is that?" Knuckles stared at the item that was sitting in front of him. It looked like... well... it just looked like a giant boom box. The face housed two large speakers, and Knuckles could make out a series of buttons on the top, that read 'Play' 'Stop' 'Self-Destruct' and 'Dance Break', respectively. The cloaked man inserted the key into a small ignition slit on the side of the contraption and turned it. The two speakers suddenly lit up and began rumbling, as if they were about to explode.

"This... is The Persuader. Our top scientists have been working on this bad boy for the last two years."

"What... does it do?" Knuckles spoke slowly, as sweat streamed down his face.

"It is a large speaker system, that simultaneously plays the three most annoying sounds known to mankind over and over again. Those sounds are: nails on a chalkboard..."

"Good God..."

"...two balloons rubbing together..."

"Sweet Moses..."

"...and the most evil of all..."

"No... not that..."

"...the song 'It's A Small World' by Disney!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Knuckles screamed and squealed like a bagful of pigs being tossed into a cement mixer. "PLEASE!!!!! PLEASE NO!!!!! NOT THAT!!!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!! BESIDES, THAT JOKE WORE OUT IN EPISODE 7!!!!!" The cloaked man chuckled and moved his hand so it hovered over the 'Play' button.

"So, red one, I will give you one last chance. Now that you know the fate that awaits you, will you cease your evil ways and convert to the waffled side of goodness?"

"WHAT... ARE... YOU... TALKING... ABOUT?!?! You guys are driving me insane, here!!! I haven't done anything evil!!!"

(A.N. Cue eyebrow raise.)

"Well... not _that_ evil, anyway..."

"Very well! If you refuse to come to the side of goodness then I have no choice but to-"

"WHAT ARE YOU WAFFLE-HEADED FREAKS TALKING ABOUT?!?! I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!!! ALL I DID WAS WALK INTO THAT STINKIN' WAFFLE PLACE AND ORDER A PLATE..." Knuckles stopped. "Wait a second..."

-FLASHBACK-

"_For me, the Jarlsberg Wafflette with buttery-flavored whatsits and extra spacklins will do well enough. What about you, Knuckles?"_

"_Just some pancakes for me." Cathy's eye twitched quite noticeably._

"_Ex- excuse me, sir?"_

"_I just want some pancakes. Thank you." Cathy forced her smile wider as she cocked her head to one side._

"_May I suggest a... different dish, sir? Perhaps... something waffle-based?"_

"_Eh... I'm not in a waffle-y mood today. A nice stack of hotcakes will do well enough." Cathy's smile was becoming forced and now contained a hint of dementia. "Is... that okay?"_

"_Su- Sure! One... moment... please!" Cathy tweaked and twitched as she made her way back to the kitchen. Sonic just stared at Knuckles. _

"_You just have to throw a wrench into everything, Knuckles."_

"_What? It's just pancakes."_

"_It's just pancakes..."_

"_It's just pancakes..."_

"_It's just pancakes..."_

-END FLASHBACK-

A small lightbulb flickered on inside Knuckles' head. "Pancakes?!"

"YAAAAAAHHHIIIIISSSSSSS!!!" The four cloaked figures immediately put their hands to their ears while making a weird screaming-hissing sound. Knuckles just looked on confusedly.

"What's your problem?"

"Do not say that word in our presence!!!"

"What? 'Pancakes'?"

"YAAAAAAHHHIIIIISSSSSSS!!!"

"Seriously? That's what this whole thing was about? You guys are upset because I ordered pancakes in your stupid little waffle house?"

"Stop saying the P word!"

"Jeez... you guys have got some serious issues."

"Enough!!! Enough of this blasphemy!!! Do you renounce your alliance to the evil, or do you need some Persuading?"

"Renounce pancakes? Are you serious?"

"I AM DEAD SERIOUS!!!"

"Oh, blow it out your waffle hole." The three other cloakees gasped. Even though the first cloaked man's head was completely enshrouded by his hood, Knuckles could tell that the expression on his face was somewhere between 'I am going to punch you in the throat' and 'My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'

"VERY WELL!!!!! IF YOU REMAIN ON THE SIDE OF BLASPHEME, THEN I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!!! BRETHREN, EARPLUGS IN!!!!!" The four cloak-wearers each instantly produced their own set of earplugs, and applied them quickly without even dropping their hoods. "ANY LAST WORDS, RED ONE?"

"Yeah, actually. All of you waffle-suckers can LICK MY-"

"La la la la, I can't hear you! PERSUADER ON!!!" The cloaked man jammed down the 'Play' button.

And thus, the horror began.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-But hey, what say we leave that tale of soul-sucking terror behind for a second and move on to Dr. Lardomancer's test lab-

(A.N. Excellent idea, if I don't say so myself.)

"_**-K-SHOOK- Prepare... TEST 3!!!! -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Gasp!"

"Gasp!"

"Well, $#!& me!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- No need for obscenity, #2784. -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Sorry, sir! Test 3 starting, sir!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Yesssssss... at last I get to sample the sweet fruits of my labor. Is it all set down there? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Ready to go, sir!!!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Wonderful! Let's get jiggy with it! You feel me? -K-SHOOK-"**_

"I am in awe of your whiteness, sir!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Fo' shizzle! But enough with the foolishness! Test 3: one pound..." **_Eggman looked to his left, then to his right. _**"...of Death Bologna!!!! MUWAHAHOOHAHA!!!! MUWAHAHOOHAHA!!!! -K-SHOOK-" **_Underling #13 gasped a second time.

"Not... not bologna, sir! We need more time! We should do more tests!"

"_**-K-SHOOK- Phooey with the tests! I want to see what this baby can do!!! -K-SHOOK-"**_

"But sir, if the meat becomes unstable, there's no telling what will-"

"_**-K-SHOOK- I don't give two hoots! Now prepare the bologna before I take you outside and set fire to you! -K-SHOOK-"**_

"Of course, sir! Apologies, sir!" Underling #13 saluted from the ground floor and gave a thumbs up to #12 and #2784, who stood beside him holding a styrofoam cooler. #12 and #2784 then made their trek over to the pedestal in front of the ginormous laser. A sci-fi-like mist poured out of the cooler as they popped the top off and gently reached inside.

"_**-K-SHOOK- Yes... YES... -K-SHOOK-"**_

With one swift-yet-dainty move they lifted the lifeless hunk of processed meat out of it's cheap styrofoam home and placed it ever-so-gingerly on the pedestal. The underlings gave a quick thumbs-up in Eggman's direction and exited the testing grounds. Eggman closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. Finally... finally his plans were going to come to fruition.

He pressed his lips to the microphone one last time.

"_**-K-SHOOK- The following message goes out to all staff, and I'm not saying it again, so stop fiddle-faddling about and listen up! **_

"_**Gentlemen... ladies... robots... imbeciles... and 'other'... may I be the first to say, congratulations. I know that I'm... well... I'm probably not what most people would consider a 'nice' employer. You might even come to the conclusion that I despise all of you with a passion, and that I enjoy watching you suffer like an Alaskan ice fisher enjoys a cup of hot chocolate. However, I would like to set the record straight, and let it be known that nothing could be further from the truth. True, I do take delight in the misery of others. And, truth be told, I probably would have no problem with shoving each and every one of you into a burlap bag and tossing you into the Atlantic Ocean. However, that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the hard work that you've done for me. And, of course, when I say 'hard work', I mean 'standing around idly, doing sod-all, and asking for a swift kick in the backside'. But that's beside the point. **_

"_**When it comes right down to it, you guys are the reason that this evil plan of mine came together. Each and every one of you guys are irreplaceable. Well, actually, I could probably replace you guys pretty easily, but you shouldn't let that get you down. The bottom line is, without you, I would have to lift all the heavy stuff myself, and that would totally suck. Now, I... I know that I may not be the most eloquent of speakers, but I think that it's important that you all know that you should be very proud of yourselves, and that you all rightfully deserve your place on Team Robotnik. Well, except for the scientists in F-Block. God knows they haven't done diddle-crap for me... (Note to self: destroy scientists in F-Block. Actually, for that matter, destroy F-Block.) Attention people in F-Block! Resistance is futile! Prepare to be annihilated! And just remember, you can only blame yourselves. **_

"_**As for the rest of you, I'm sure you've reason to be proud. You've all done a not-exactly-terrific-but-at-least-slightly-better-than-mediocre job. And, as a reward for not being total and utter screw-ups, I announce that from this day forward, no beatings will be given... unless absolutely necessary... or unless I feel like it. And also, from now on, Triple-Punishment Tuesday will be reduced to Double-Punishment Tuesday, however I will be instilling Double-Punishment Thursdays and Sundays as well... and possibly Saturdays. Finally, as a token of my appreciation, it should please you to know that on July 20th, I will be holding a big celebration barbecue over at my summer home in the Bahamas, and you are all invited to come... **_

"_**...and serve punch to the important people who I've invited. If you choose, you may also take their hats and coats. It's my way of saying thank you. **_

"_**So, now that that's all taken care of, let's kick off this shindig with a bang! I think this calls for a spot of music. Underling #219385-B, kick on the jams! -K-SHOOK-"**_

-Meanwhile, in another part of the world-

Sonic and gang plodded onward, sans Knuckles, across the better part of nowhere. Each country road seemed more desolate and lifeless than the last, and the-

Random Whiny Fanboy – Hold it! Hold it right there!

Kinetikai – Oh, not you again. What's the matter this time? Did I double-space?

Random Whiny Fanboy – How can you just keep stalling?!

Kinetikai – Oh, this is nothing. Did you see the gap between episodes 11 and 12?

Random Whiny Fanboy – Quiet!

Kinetikai – Quiet yourself. What do you mean, 'stalling'?

Random Whiny Fanboy – You are deliberately and maliciously drawing out Test 3 in Dr. Robotnik's Test Lab. It was mentioned in Episode 12 and has yet to be acted upon! You can't keep stringing it out! I want to know what happens!

Kinetikai – Is that all?

Random Whiny Fanboy – Yes!

Kinetikai – You're angry because I'm stringing out the Death Bologna test.

Random Whiny Fanboy – Yes!

Kinetikai – Well, as an architect once said to a greengrocer, "Tough luck, Chuck."

Random Whiny Fanboy – Meh! I will not stand for this!

Kinetikai – Have you considered that perhaps I am building dramatic tension?

Random Whiny Fanboy – Nuts to your dramatic tension!

Kinetikai – Oh, how uncalled for. Now listen here, Meddling Marty, this just so happens to be my fanfic. Ergo, I can write it however the POOF I want. I've got the plan, man. Now step aside or I'll subject you to a vicious stream of spelling and punctuation errors and your head will explode.

Random Whiny Fanboy – You wouldn't dare.

Kinetikai – O h, yees I w'oudl

Random Whiny Fanboy – GRAAAAARGH!!!! -CRANIAL EXPLOSION SOUND-

Kinetikai – Yuck. Nerdbrains. Oh, well. So much for this chapter. Don't worry. Next one'll be better. POOF!!!

* * *

Um... yeah... Coming soon in episode XV-Terror! Intrigue! Weirdness! Lollipops! Buttery scones! Excelsior! Oh yeah. It's a good'un. Episode XV-Stories From The Drunken Spud 


End file.
